up

Wandering aimlessly. My only purpose now is school. I have no other focus at all. I think I'm falling into depression. Friends urge me to see a Dr. get some "pills". I won't do it. I will tough my way through it. I will get up each day and go to work. And if that is all my life is...then that is all it is.

I miss her every day. There have been so many others, meaningless wastes of time and energy. I was with one and realized I was lonely. How do you tell someone you're lonely even though they are right there?! Seems pretty cruel and I just can't be cruel like that. So you lie, a little white "save the feelings" lie. What difference...

And I dream about her. Sometimes I wake up remembering that she's gone, and it's a pit...and it's as those old cartoon's that ended with the screen closing in to black from the outside to the center. Which way is up. Melissa Etheridge stays in the player in the truck. Playing over and over. I lack for nothing materially. Yet I'd trade it all for that truest friendship. Someone who checks on you...makes sure you are ok. Someone who knows you and your faults and doesn't bat an eye.

How do you find that? How do you move from here to there? Which way is up?

my web

O no, I see,
I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,

The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.

-Coldplay-

Feelings hurt and I'm too proud
to run screaming right out loud
I miss you so I must confess
Oh such a fucking great big mess

Dry my eyes and push on hard
Keep breathing, moving, hold up my guard
No end in sight no plan in play
to clear this tangled broken web away

When all is lost...how does one know
How do you just...stop the flow
Second guessing every action you take
Doing nothing for fear of mistake

And all the time and along the way
If I ever caused you trouble...
I never meant to cause you trouble

-Gern-

all the leaves are brown

And the skis are gray.

This was a very bad week. A week to remember to forget. Two people at work lost their fathers this week, A fellow student killed themselves and I found out Thursday that my mom had a stroke. And I still morn a loss which I can not begin to describe and which has taken away a piece of me that I may never get back.

In the bleak mid winter frosty wind made moan........

I have been a wreck lately. I am loosing myself to the darkness. I don't even care anymore and I guess it shows. It's such an effort to put on a smile and be positive. I feel so bad for my co-workers. I try to just stay in my little place and not bug them so they don't get sucked down in the Whirlpool.

So I've made an emergency trip to VT. Odd thing is she is doing better. It's good news and I'm grateful. But I still have these recurring dreams of singing the bass solo of Rutter's Requiem at her service...I can't do that.

Father let this cup pass from me. I can not drink this wine. I can not drink this wine. I'm on the brink of complete meltdown every moment lately. If this cloud doesn't pass soon I'll be wearing a new kind of jacket with long sleeves that tie around in the back and reside in a soundproof padded room so no one can hear me make odd noises.

While much of the above may be exaggeration...I can't take a lot, lot more. They say he knows our limits. I'm beginning to question...

free me

One day you just get tired of crying
Runnin' can't escape the beating heart
One day you just get tired of dying
Living can't escape the beating march
But a higher bloom unveils
In a low down dirty day
And all that dreams entail
Come and take your suffering away
This eye looks with love
This eye looks with judgment
Free me take the sight out of this eye

-Edie Brickell-

Free me from this lack of faith
Save me from falling away
Catch me when I am unkind
Keep me of a simple mind
When I falter when I slip
Buoy me up don't let me trip
If I don't pass on your love
Free me...

-Gern-

Irene

To followup on a question from the last post about Aunt Irene, actually Great Aunt Irene...she is still with us although I believe her body is all but dead, the mind isn't quite at peace yet.

We believe she is afraid to die possibly because she thinks my Dad needs her. The Hospice worker said if she was put at peace she would likely die shortly after. I am told by my sister that my father very lovingly and beautifully told her that we would all be ok. That we loved her and it was ok for her to rest. He told her it was ok for her to be with Jesus and her loved ones that had gone on before her.

I understand it was so moving and touching that everyone there was in tears. Who is this man that claims to be my father? Why am I learning about the breadth of his dimensions and depth of his feelings so late in life? Is this new or have I not been paying attention? I feel so isolated and alone down here like my family is fading away. I call them so often I'm afraid I'm becoming a pest.

The weird thing is that we weren't close to Irene growing up. However it is way too sobering watching her deteriorate, somewhat less than 80lbs now and the mind giving up logical thought and reason. It's not fair God. It's not right to continue to drag this on. She has done her work here. Volunteered for over 40 years at the clinic and likely many other things.

But I digress. Irene seems to be very much stuck. Eventually her body will completely give up on her. But for now she continues to live for others. Caught in some sort of cruel misunderstanding. Life is full of them.

step

Into the light
step in to the light
you've earned your rest
time and this world have exacted their best

Step to the light
where no darkness exists
no shadow - no gray - no waver

Step too the light
they wait for you there
gram and gramps, uncle john....
longing to see you healed, restored to perfection

Step into the light
follow its glow
the strongest woman we've known
strength leaves you now, let it flow
you won't need it
not where you go

Step into the light
you must leave us behind
we'll carry on in your place
for a time

Step into the light
enough is enough
no more pills no more suffering
no more, no more of that stuff

Step off to the light
what a burden it's been
the top rung of our family ladder
not vacant, now the next of your kin

Be at perfect - perfect peace
please prepare the way
I'm on the ladder
but two steps away

Bless you Irene and the life that you lived
may the light warm you always where always you live

Expounding

Days of our lives. I've been digesting something a friend and fellow blogger wrote about recently. They wrote the days of their life passing by and no one seemed to notice. I feel this way myself. More often than not. But for some reason I keep thinking about the Soap Opera titled "The Days of Our Lives." As I think about this I realize the human condition is way more universal than we understand or perhaps like to admit. We want to think the pain, torment, turmoil or what-ever is unique unto us...but it's not. Billions of people have come before us. They have lived, died, loved, lost, hurt, been hurt, felt alone, lonely, listless and on and on and on. Look at the songs that are sung, that we listen to. Why do they resonate so clearly with us? Are these song writers also mind readers? No they have gone through the same shit, fell flat on their face in the same way and drawn the same short straw we have at one time or another.

Does this realization (revelation) make us (me) feel any better? Worse? Less special? More integrated? No. What it does make me think is that there is always a kinder. gentler way of handling a situation. While I want to believe that I always choose that option, I am going to strive to be more conscious of it.

So the days of our lives are passing by. Not many of them are all that special or memorable. I submit that we need to make an effort to add something special to others days whenever we can. If we do it enough, maybe what goes around what will come back around.