Farewell

Great Aunt Irene took her leave of this life Monday 1/25/2010 at approx 12:30 in the afternoon. Safe journey, move boldly into what is next.

Shallow Water

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah

Choke me in the shallow waters
Before I get too deep

What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?

- Edie Brickell -

I'm not aware of valuable things
I know what I know and have what that brings
Philosophy is to question the why of it all
Religion is the package of how - and it's small
Wrapping it up with a nice little bow
Here's what to think, here's what you know

I couldn't care about all these odd things
Can't give advise, can't save my own skin
Philosophy forges a new path or fresh road
When the old way we've used doesn't lead to truth
Religion has a plot and a plan the way mapped out
Sometimes we can't go there...not by that route

Do you know what I mean? d-do ya?
Am what I am and truth is for me - are you what you want or...what?

- Gern -

stars

There is no light pollution in Southern Vermont. I always forget how many stars you can see at night. So many more than here or other places I have lived. Christmas was good this year back in the other "V" state. So many things are different now. I didn't recognize my brothers kids. Literally didn't know who they were. This stupid misunderstanding has been a travesty. While my brother is still a self centered ass...words directly from the mouth of his 17 y/o son...he is still my brother. I won't let that hurt my relationship with his kids or his wife any longer.

The kids all played together...the adults all drank together and mom was so very happy...

Christmas Pictures

Lots of new things for 2010...and the hope of one more reconciliation. It's going to be a great year.

1 down

Spoke with my brother for the 1st time in over 3 years yesterday. I told him I love him and will always be here for him if he needs me. That did not appear to mean much to him. He has grown into a very selfish and self centered man. I don't really know him anymore. He is no longer the shy little brother that I protected as a youth. He isn't the little guy I would allow to play with the "big" kids to keep him close and keep an eye on him. I was grateful that he seemed to listen and we have exchanged phone numbers to stay in touch.

There is one more broken relationship in my life. Someone I have no tie to except a deep desire to know and be known by her. I do not know how to go about repairing the damage. I have neither the courage or the wisdom to know how to begin. But I kneel in church every Sunday and pray God will help repair this cherished friendship. If there is a God out there somewhere...he/she knows my heart and knows I need help.

I pray that it will not require three years.

There is a phrase, "The burden of this is intolerable". It fits.

up

Wandering aimlessly. My only purpose now is school. I have no other focus at all. I think I'm falling into depression. Friends urge me to see a Dr. get some "pills". I won't do it. I will tough my way through it. I will get up each day and go to work. And if that is all my life is...then that is all it is.

I miss her every day. There have been so many others, meaningless wastes of time and energy. I was with one and realized I was lonely. How do you tell someone you're lonely even though they are right there?! Seems pretty cruel and I just can't be cruel like that. So you lie, a little white "save the feelings" lie. What difference...

And I dream about her. Sometimes I wake up remembering that she's gone, and it's a pit...and it's as those old cartoon's that ended with the screen closing in to black from the outside to the center. Which way is up. Melissa Etheridge stays in the player in the truck. Playing over and over. I lack for nothing materially. Yet I'd trade it all for that truest friendship. Someone who checks on you...makes sure you are ok. Someone who knows you and your faults and doesn't bat an eye.

How do you find that? How do you move from here to there? Which way is up?

my web

O no, I see,
I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,

The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.

-Coldplay-

Feelings hurt and I'm too proud
to run screaming right out loud
I miss you so I must confess
Oh such a fucking great big mess

Dry my eyes and push on hard
Keep breathing, moving, hold up my guard
No end in sight no plan in play
to clear this tangled broken web away

When all is lost...how does one know
How do you just...stop the flow
Second guessing every action you take
Doing nothing for fear of mistake

And all the time and along the way
If I ever caused you trouble...
I never meant to cause you trouble

-Gern-

all the leaves are brown

And the skis are gray.

This was a very bad week. A week to remember to forget. Two people at work lost their fathers this week, A fellow student killed themselves and I found out Thursday that my mom had a stroke. And I still morn a loss which I can not begin to describe and which has taken away a piece of me that I may never get back.

In the bleak mid winter frosty wind made moan........

I have been a wreck lately. I am loosing myself to the darkness. I don't even care anymore and I guess it shows. It's such an effort to put on a smile and be positive. I feel so bad for my co-workers. I try to just stay in my little place and not bug them so they don't get sucked down in the Whirlpool.

So I've made an emergency trip to VT. Odd thing is she is doing better. It's good news and I'm grateful. But I still have these recurring dreams of singing the bass solo of Rutter's Requiem at her service...I can't do that.

Father let this cup pass from me. I can not drink this wine. I can not drink this wine. I'm on the brink of complete meltdown every moment lately. If this cloud doesn't pass soon I'll be wearing a new kind of jacket with long sleeves that tie around in the back and reside in a soundproof padded room so no one can hear me make odd noises.

While much of the above may be exaggeration...I can't take a lot, lot more. They say he knows our limits. I'm beginning to question...