Suckin wind

And then there were two. The trinity dissolved on Christmas day. My favorite; the one who stole my heart, gave it back on our Lord's natal day. This was done with her kids just 15ft away. Now I'm sure they didn't hear. Yet it allowed for no discussion. I didn't get to say goodbye. We spent 3 nights a week together for the last 6 weeks and now nothing.

She doesn't want to be uncomfortable (in an email) so no communication. I see her on the IM. A timid hello...followed by the most resounding silence. She claims to be a fundamental Christian. It's all wrapped up in a nice neat package. She's saved, good to go. No need to treat people with loving kindness. No need to step outside of your comfort zone to spare the feelings or ease the hurt of another of God's created.

I'm pretty sure Christ would not have responded quite this way. Maybe I haven't digested the bible and marked all the spots that reinforce my viewpoint. So secure in her exclusionistic boxed up world. If that's really the way to be a Christian, I'll have no part of it.

You'll never see this Peggy, so your comfort is ensured. I hope you find someone as narrow minded as you to navigate your lives together through the narrow paths in your over sized SUV. The world outside your box is vast and beautiful and in need and hurting. But never mind eh. We'll attend to it.

Peace to you

Trinity

The Christian phenomenon. How can three be one and one be three? It's a conundrum, a paradox. We don't have the ability to understand more than that it is not comprehensible.

Now this is not a religious or spiritual writing. It is about the three who are not one but three. And they are not really aware of the other two, yet not ignorant of the fact the there are other(s). Why couldn't they be three in one. Would be much easier, but then perhaps I'd be dating God. And I'm guessing he/she/they are a bit busy for casual dinners at the Thai place. The quintessential question, does God like sushi?

Back to subject, I have never done this before. You'd think by almost 43 I'd already have this experience under my belt. But no. In the past women have faded so quickly it never mattered. I'd have 2 or 3 or 4, turn around and realize there were none. So quickly it'd make your head spin. So what's the deal? Three that won't give up? It's unprecedented. I mean in a sense it's not a bad problem. But then how does one proceed without hurting at least 2 people. Possibly all three.

And the one I like the most is the most reluctant which goes in my mind to prove that we really do want that which is hardest to achieve. In this case even though she treats me with the least kindness. Picks at my religious liberalism, my political views (liberalism), my abundance of gay and lesbian friends. The fact that I like bow ties. She got angry with me for handling a difficult situation passively. Which I might add worked quickly, to my advantage and no one got angry! I have to ask myself what I see in her. And deep down I'm really afraid it's the chase. If I catch her I'm afraid I'll loose interest. How frigging screwed up is that?

The remaining 2 are both really nice and kind and fun to be with. They deserve the lions share of my time, not meany pants. I believe I will stop chasing, this is why people play games. There is an underlying meanness in all this shit. I feel as though it is completely unavoidable. Upon my next visit I hope to have dissolved this trinity.

Not for me

How is it that you are still hurting me? I thought we would spend Thanksgiving together. They say with each hurt you build a scale a toughness against the next...well not for me.

I know in my head that you are wrong. I deserve better than this and you deserve what you get. You've no idea what you threw away with yesterdays trash. Why can't I be angry....it's not for me.

I hate you, I love you, I miss you and I wish I'd never met you. I wish I could save other men from you. The only person I really feel I wish for a time machine to go back and avoid that day. Skip it, take a nap, go out of town...fantasy is not for me.

Why do I still think about you. Wonder how you are. If your mom is better, how you dad is holding up and even if you might just call me. You're a death, a Cancer a stain on my life. You are not for me!

how

How does stuff get lost? Matter can neither be created or destroyed. So when we say "it's lost" we just don't know where it is. But where did it go. Did it get bored with us? Maybe it doesn't feel comfortable being around us anymore. Maybe it found someone new to be around.

Do we look for it? We do if it meant something to us. Maybe we look more desperately than we should. Perhaps we even morn its loss. Is this a result of our own carelessness? Is it anothers doing? How long should we look? How deep, how far, how wide? Can it be replaced? Or was it just slightly unique unto itself? Different, special, precious.

Stuff lost, such a cost. Give me things that wont get lost. Like a coin that wont get tossed rollin home to you.

Revelation

I've had a revelation this evening. Reading a book I have learned something about myself that I don't like.

Time is a wasting. What is time, this intangible thing which never takes a break. Waits for no man (or woman) and yet leaves no one behind. The only thing that time leaves in it's wake is memories. I want to build memories to cherish. As I look back there are precious few. This is no ones fault but my own.

Time is sort of like the wind. However we at least can describe wind. Wind is the movement of air. It is not the air, but the movement. It is not the force that causes the movement but the movement. Wind is a noun I think, that gives name to the result of an action. This is becoming a bit unwieldy. And no I'm not smoking weed.

Time is not the passage of such. Nor the specific nano-second called now. It's not a depiction of the millenia past nor is it a measure of a specific interval. Time is the constancy of change. It is the unrelenting wearing down of all things, including the birth (and immediate degradation) of new things.

Time is a concept, a principal, an awareness of our human frailty. The conversion of time into precious beautiful memories is my new chief goal. The building, sharing and giving of LOVE to those in my life the tools of construction.

Time and wind and love.....and love

poison...don't read this

missed again

thought maybe busyness would make up for loneliness. totally stupid, indiscriminately signing up for things...not the answer!

As a result of stupidness:

I must help clean up the church grounds today, drive to Williamsburg and sing in Latin, French and Italian...and English. Buy a Tuxedo! Yeah that's in the budget! Install a new 3 phase breaker in the basement with a fused disconnect and prepare a weatherproof power distribution box for the upcoming Oktoberfestival.

I don't want to do any of these things!

just bitchin

10-4

Random thoughts from VT.

Where does all the dust come from? when no one goes in or out. how can there be such dust? do mice eat soap or just crap on it? why is it so much like a time warp here? I can't sleep in this house anymore. I'll be sleeping fine in VA and then i could stay awake for a month here.

I miss my audio equipment. I have picked out the "A" list to listen to while here. Currently playing the Kyrie from Messe Solenelle. Sung by the Men and Boys of St. Lukes Evanston IL. Mighty nice with 1 HP/channel into the lows and mid range, 60watt/channel of crystal tube amp clarity into the tweeter and super tweeters. Little Tim Allen Haw-haw more power.

So the air in here was so stale I opened all windows and doors at midnight when I arrived and it got right cool by morning. Nice. Got my six mile run in before the heat of day. So much nicer running on the dirt roads here. Beat the 1 1/4 mile hill that used to always kick my butt. So I know I'm in pretty good shape.

Just waiting for the replacement realtor to get here and have a little meeting. Then off to town, repair the server in families biz, then off to Stratton Mtn to service and perform some training on the CCTV sys at the PD up there. Dinner with family, happy 76 b-day mom and off to Dorset Mtn for many many drinks with the Ed & Steve show. They always have me up when I'm in town. Church in Arlington tomorrow and fly back for hopeful sleep and back to work.

May write more later. St. Lukes is calling.

OK - So why is it when people start having network problems they suddenly decide to re-wire everything. JHC if it worked for 3 or 4 years the way it was...leave the GD wires alone. Please I beg you. Please leave my wires alone. I'm not sure the pain and anguish is coming through. OK I'll get back down in the basement and try to figure out what happened. Course no one remembers.

Patterns

What makes us recognize some patterns especially those obscure, like the shape of a cloud or random stars in the sky.

Yet we fail to see others as clear as the nose on our face. The familiar passive aggressive behavior of that new someone we're dating. The backstabbing habits of the new fat girl in accounting. The psycho chick that won't go away and treats you like crap.

I see happy puppies in the clouds and soothing interstellar shapes in the stars. Failing to acknowledge the damaging and often hurtful behavior of the nutcases all around.

Thank God for the few really good folks that remind us there is a reason to get up each day and continue to regularly breath in and out.

Milestone

For whatever it's worth. One year ago today I returned to Virginia from Vermont. It's been about the fastest year I can recall...or can't recall. Grateful to those who shared parts of it with me.

Been here a year and still living out of boxes. I like to take things slow.

Alphabet

Are you listening

Before you leave I'd like to know

Companion is not a description

Desire fades with time

Exhausting, time consuming

Forget that suggestion...

Grand scheme of things

Happens all the time

Insomnia

Juxtapose...the good and the ugly

Kindness is not enough

Loud enough to

Making excuses is not necessary

Narcissistic

Omnipresence for whom

Powerful are the words

Quiet are the dreams

Respect?

Sincerity

Tenacious is the norm

Universal lack of reason

Volumes spoken without a sound

Words are lost

X - Tough any help here

You will not get it

Zen - right

pencil neck

Spilling coffee in your favorite keyboard does not make you a geek. Having a favorite keyboard...that makes you a geek.



If you only need to read this once you are a geek:

if
$girlfriend <> 0
then
Dim possibility_of_getting_laid as N

possibility_of_getting_laid = 0 + i

while dating
i=0 + numb_of_dates
end while
end if


You are a geek if you have more than a cursory understanding of what the Internet is, how it works, or that computers actually have other uses.


Your likelihood of being a geek increases with the number of acronyms you know.


You might be a geek if you have more than 5 no...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8...more than 8 computers.

You could be a geek if you think "it" is an acronym

Lastly you are most definitely a geek if you use or even know what Lynx is...command line Internet browsing...palease

Wander

All my mistakes. Made more than a few. I can't go back. I don't want to and the rest is not applicable. How accurate can they be? I did all those things. Wretched man that I am. Who will rescue me from this body of death?

I wonder as I wander...aimlessly. Where am I going and will I ever get to finish this song. When will all my mistakes lead me to you?

Chasing the Wind

Love is all that exists. All else is vanity, illusion and a chasing after the wind. Can not get those words out of my head. I fear as though I have been chasing after the wind (a poetic expression of an act of futility) most of my adult life.

I believe I was only ever truly happy in the early years of my marriage, some 17 years ago, when we were so involved with the youth group. I know in my heart that endeavor was not vanity or futile.

Sometimes (not often luckily) I think about what I want to do...Do! Do? Ah...I don't want to do anything. I want to be something...someone. I want to be someone who quietly goes about his life and is admired and respected as a good and kind person. Someone to trust...to rely on...to love.

As much as I want this and am very introverted I find my inner self screaming for attention. Notice me! Love me! Break bread with me and share with me. Love is all there is and it is all I want. To seek it is chasing after the wind.

The kids of my youth group of the past are all grown. Many are married, some have children, one is even a widow. Life continues to dump upon us while we chase the wind building our illusions. Sometimes when the illusions fail life is so damn raw and real that we can't sleep...can hardly breath.

So many times the bible talks about washing, cleansing. Wash me though and through of my wickedness. Lift the illusions and bring it on...life raw

inalienable

RIGHTS.

We have rights! We're Mericans. We have the right to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We have the right to wage war on Tarror.

We will spread democracy if we have to kill every one of em. Then they'll be free! And the world will be safer. We'll have the right to drive a Ford Gargantuan or whatever. We'll take what we need and what makes us rich because it makes us happy. We have the right.

Why aren't we "Americans" spreading Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Where does it say in the Declaration of Independence that we have the right to arrogance? That we can force our views and beliefs on all those who differ or who have the oil?

Our forefathers decided to break from England because we had developed an identity of our own. Something that worked for us and it was different. We embraced the diversity of folks from all over the world with dreams and vision. We refused to tolerate the ideals of a Nation remote and removed from us telling us what to do, how to think and why. We were willing to die to the last to be free from this.

What is so different for Iraq? Look out Iran and Afghanistan. You're next.

On this day of independence and freedom I'm saying a prayer for those whom we are "Americanizing", for the blockheads who decided this is necessary and of course for all the people over there dieing in the senselessness of it all.

When ever I hear that song, "I'm proud to be an American..." initially I want to smash the radio...then I wonder would the artist still sing those words?

I wouldn't....would you?

Unknown

my song is love unknown,

Interestingly beautiful hymn. It describes to us how much God in Christ loves us...


Who am I that for my sake my Lord should take frail flesh and die?


And yet why isn't this Love enough? Why do we seek the love of another? Some of us it seems might spend our whole lives in this quest. And what do we do when the importance of this search outweighs all else. When the distraction of it becomes so great that we can't think. Can hardly breath.

How do we take a gigantic step back and evaluate our priorities? Is it ever OK to seek first a love here on earth?

But enough of waxing rhetorical. I am seeking peace from a hurt, broken human being. It doesn't even make sense.

O my friend, my friend indeed, who at my need his life did spend.

uneven

Do you ever feel like this?

I often think of the inequities of the world. I guess they have existed since the dawn of time but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to stomach. Perhaps it's a selfish reaction to why does it seem so easy for him/her and so hard for me. But I also have a number of friends who seem to constantly struggle

Of my friends there is a growing category of single woman with children. This is likely due to the fact that I have been trying to date for about 8 or 9 months now and most women approx. my age have been married at least once and have at least one child. The fact that they are just friends is a testament to my dismal luck. Not that I don't cherish these friendships. I do!

Anyway the point? Oh point here is that so many of my new friends seem to constantly struggle. If any of you read this and i know a few do. Deal ok?
My struggles. Relationships. Why is it so hard. Every guy at work is married. Every one, there is not one exception other than me! I look at some of them and think "he can get a girl". Toothless or at least missing quite a number of prominent ones, those still hanging out don't look too great. Crude, rude, disrespectful towards woman. And on and on. I know I'm not perfect. Far from it perhaps but I should be like a shining bastion on a foggy night!

Dude at church, doesn't really "work" much. Wise ass, some days I'd like to introduce him to my 5 brothers and sisters at the end of my right arm. He drives a Lexus SUV and develops real estate. Also owns a bunch of car washes with a friend of mine. Been working for them nights and weekends lately cause I'm so hard up for cash. Lots flowing in. Just more flowing out. It's all in the flow. You know. So we show up last Saturday and he gets me started, then leaves. I work my ass off for 9 hours to the point where i can hardly move. Slept from 6PM Sat night to 8AM Sunday morning. For this I'm paid $8/hr!

Now as I'm writing the check to the college freshman who cuts my grass in VT w/ my tractor and I pay for gas @ $10/hr I realize there is an inequity. So I tell Lexus man to fork off. Recently spoke to a friend w/3 young children. She is in nursing school and has very little. Finances are hard for her. I recently asked her to ride with a bunch of us this weekend. But it's so much harder for her isn't it. Someone to watch the kids, time away from her studies, money for the restaurant we'll likely stop at. No wonder women hate and mistrust us guys. Somewhere some guy screwed her and although she's OK, everything is at least twice as hard for her.

The folks who live next door to me. This isn't the nicest place to live. They have 3 full size vans. Not really sure why. None of them run right and two have been replaced at least once since I've been here. The man looks 60 to me and the woman somewhere between 30 and 50. She seems to have been ridden hard and put up wet more than once. You can just tell these folks are struggling. There is always crap on their lawn. Most of the time I'm not really sure what it even is. They park one of their GD vans in front of my house all the time. It infuriates me. The garbage men won't empty my can cause there is not enough road from the the damn van to get to it. How would I help them?

The receptionist in our office. She is so cute and single and 26y/o. I know she really wants a boyfriend. That's been made clear even to someone who is oblivious of the standard signs, signals, whatever. She is struggling, supporting her brother working as a receptionist (i'm guessing doesn't pay real well) no kids but lonely. Believe me I know. I've serviced her PC a couple of times. Replaced parts with used ones I have laying around. I need not be in her apartment again.

There are so many more stories, that I'm directly involved with. The Lexus driving bastards of the world keep getting richer and the poor bastards of the world keep breaking their backs to that end. And here I am whining. Someone who makes far too much money, spends even more because I plan poorly and am missing something really big. I know I am. So what should I/we do?

Give alms. I guess and don't buy a Lexus.

it happened this year

I may use this for as running tally


A recount of to the best of my remembrance all incidences of injury. These would be in no particular order of severity, chronology or whatever.

1. I hit a deer. Yes ran into it while running. It was dark OK?

2. Caught my hair on fire while welding.

3. Got a respectable shard of metal in my right eye.

4. Chain saw blade broke and wrapped around my arm. No stitches.

5. Was sprayed by a skunk.

6. knee injury forcing me to miss Shamrock marathon

7. Got in a fight with a guy and a knife. I won against guy. I think knife was ahead 2 points on me.

8. was hit by a car only last week. I think I bruised my hip. Hurts a bit.

9. Very slight electric shock today on a 480Volt 3 phase circuit. Silly. No external wounds.

10. Wonder if broken hearts count? Wounded pride? Assassinated character?

I need to talk to my mom. I'm really not this klutzy, clumsy, foolhardy etc. I think I barely ever got hurt as a kid.

This here is pure documentation. Read with southern accent.

the stuff of peace

I'm such a simpleton. I don't ask for much. I do without much more than most folks I know. My life is so very simple and maybe that's the problem. All you complexites out there have no idea what you're missing. I think perhaps I'm projecting my values and freedoms on others. Most of the rest of you are too caught up in your stuff! Physical and logical stuff.

What do you need all that crap for? It's weighing you down and holding you back! You can't make a run for it if you need to. All your stuff would be clattering along behind like the cans they tie to the back of the wedding "get away" cars.

I went to the beach a few nights ago with a book, towel and refilled bottle of water. Totally on a whim. Needed to get my mind off all the stuff at work. Drop everything and go to the beach. Most of you could not do that. Admit it. It's a major planning evolution. I wanted to relax and read. Smell the salt air, listen to the waves and the gulls.

What I got instead was a beach full of people who brought their stuff with them! Skinny teenage girls who would have been attractive were it not for the "F" word splattering out of their amazingly large mouths thrice per sentence. Totally obliterating the ocean and the gulls. Makes you wish you could take a video and show it to them 10-15 years from now. Two young "men" (very loose use of that term) deciding to beat on each other suddenly clearing the beach of about 50 or 60 sick-o's who needed to watch? What stuff were they fighting over?!

Could be my fault for going to ghetto beach. But it makes you wonder, age old ponderings. If we are so offensive, so trashy, so intolerant of our close brothers and sisters. How can we find peace. How can people of vastly different cultures, beliefs, values ever hope to do better than at best, mild disdain. At worst war.

It's all about the stuff. Think about it. They have the oil, we have the food, over there has the diamonds, those folks have the best beaches, etc and on and on. Trade deficits, global economy that's not really "economic" if it's being controlled and manipulated by a few. The few are human, fallible, selfish and want more fucking stuff!

Blame

Have you noticed not only how easy it is to place blame? And at least for me lately how necessary? One very stupid case in point. Last week one morning at 2AM my phone rang. It was the alarm monitoring company. Our alarm at the office was going off again. I installed the alarm system, did all the wiring and programming of the panel.

After I completed the work I wanted to train the "guys" to use it. We have a monthly field meeting where all are present. During the meeting I explained its use to 40 glassy eyed dudes and said we would go down ofter the meeting and have everyone give it a try. No one wanted to try it! And I'm #1 on the call list when the alarm goes off. We had 7 false alarms that 1st week. One each day.

Back to 2AM. I get the call it's down pouring, thunder and lightening and I was actually asleep. Sleep is good. So I call the office no answer of course, dial into the panel, unfortunately the dial-in feature works on the office side not the shop/warehouse side. Wracking my brain, who is working late tonight. Usually no one this late.

OK damn it I'll go. So I drive in, alarm still going off. I find the main shop entrance door wide open and note that the lock is in bad repair. Takes me several closes and some wriggling to make it lock and latch. So I surmise that the door was not fully latched and blew open in the high winds. Oh I was all ready to connect to the panel and find out who armed the system. I wanted a name! But why? So I could berate or belittle them. You dumb, me smart.

This wasn't even any ones fault. Course would have been nice if someone said, "Hey this lock is broken." In an effort to analyse things I note that I should have insisted that hands on training happen. I should have insisted the technician take the wiring diagram I drew. Then maybe he would not have destroyed a pressure transducer by hooking up backwards. Strict conformance to a layout of a superheater I designed. Then it would have fit without field modification. And a good number more.

As I look back I allowed in all these situations the latitude of failure. Not disaster really just little irritating SNAFU's. So when I say "Here take this drawing or diagram or these instructions." and they say "I don't need that." I need to be sure they understand I'll run the "you stupid moron flag with their name on it" to the top of the pole for all to see. This isn't blame but more of a peer bashing. Also very embarrassing to have it done by the "paperwork" guy. That's me they think I do paperwork all day.

It's a funny world we live in but I'm going to try and avoid the immediate desire to place blame. Gather all the facts and solve the problem. Then if someone still needs an attitude adjustment I'll run the flag to the top of the pole.

Code Tweaks

Mainly colors. Twas very blah before. Also way too much white for my new monitor. This thing is bright. Can't believe you have to edit the html to change these colors. s'why it took me so long

Ask

I was just pondering Preacherman's sermon and resolving that we all have an off day. Sorry dude. You sucked today. For some reason and don't look for the logic here cause there's none, I began thinking of a very simple hymn which I always loved. I believe it's entitled "Seek Ye first the Kingdom of God."

I began to wonder, because one of the lines says, "Ask and it shall be given unto you" so I began to wonder, have I asked? I don't think I have asked. Another line is "Seek and Ye shall find." "Knock and the door shall be opened unto you." Well I've seeked or is it sought. Not quite sure about the knocking part.

Could it be that simple? Of course not, but what really strikes me as odd is that something so important to me was not brought before him for consideration. It seems on one level as though "He" should already know what it is. I mean for Pete's sake I've been floundering around down here for months. Are you paying attention? Why do you need a personal invitation? Wave whatever it is you wave or blink your eyes, nod you head, wiggle your nose. I don't know.

So if I come before you and ask for that which you already know I want, you'll what? Thou shall not put the Lord to the test. Is that a commandment? Seems like it should be if it's not. If you could effect this, would you? Do you prefer the chaos theory? Everything happens for a reason. Bull shit.

So here goes, you know that thing we don't talk about. I'd like for something to happen. Doesn't need to be overnight. But could you do some sorta like positive continual progress? Nothing fancy. Not miracle-ish. Perhaps a nudge. Kinda like the amoeba.

Now that I've deliberately thought this your way and even vaguely written what I want you'll be timed for your execution.

Cool that's done what next?
World peace. Oh lower gas prices!

Provoked

It comes upon one swift. Where from? You say.

Could be the rift of heart's lost love night last.

Mayhap the chicken devoured in haste.

What conjures this flooding freely from past?

Rarely leaning towards times to come.

In hours forbid, flood gates open. Sleepless.

Raging free. Unchecked, unbidden guests.

This thought bid not, with timing sham. Where peace?

Could Moses staff hold the tide? The waters best?

Provoked or not, these thoughts mine with ease

now welcome I. The mind held wide. This test.

Dream

I have a dream, as i think about it...quite often. I do not understand what it's about or where it comes from. Until actually this AM I was quite willing to just have it now and then and not think about it. I also until this morning didn't really believe there was any real significance to dreams. Now and I don't know why I'm not sure.

The Dream - This will be a bit vague but the premise is I'm in school. Pretty sure High School. As the year goes by I find that I can not remember where or when a particular class takes place. Specifically History. Not clear what history. I can even picture the teacher although can not for the life of me remember her name. As the dream proceeds I find that I miss more and more of the class. Culminating in an unbelievable panic and frenzy of study for the final exam. This is assuming I even know when and where that will be.

To my memory I never skipped a class...deliberately or otherwise. I never failed a class or had more than the most moderate of trouble. The dream, or what I remember of it does not seem very intricate or detailed but somehow extremely convincing and real. I wake with a feeling of how could I be so lax as to allow this to happen. I'll never catch up, pass. Too embarrassed to ask for help.

What does all this mean? Something / nothing? Why dream about this? Why not dream about my marriage or divorce, job, family, a certain someone in Richmond, church, sex (yes sex would be...) , dishes in the sink, 4 enormous piles of clean laundry. I'm saying clean.

I knew a man (Episcopal Priest) that was also an amazing interpreter of dreams. I wish you were still with us Joe. I'll bet you'd have a field day with this one huh. I wonder did you pass your legacy on to someone. I know many who knew you as well. Perhaps some of them are reading this?

hide

they fall down
gravity
hot and wet
some run down diminished
drop in the coffee...
returning home?
others puddle on the desk...big

salty, tasty licked back in. not wasted

unbidden
unwanted
betrayal
sensitivity
sexy?
manly?
HA!

wet spots on shirt and pants.

reserve for evenings at home.
Duh!
stop I beg you
let me be
i don't want you
i don't know you
go away

i cave and give reign
not long now
no real pain
it's over thank God...free
again must hide this...me

i think

I think maybe, but not knowing I dare not say.
How could it be anyway?
I said I'd like and gave my pass.
No fruit for trying came my way
the reasons allusive, complex and possibly...cruel?

Oh but not knowing I dare not say.
How could it be anyway.
I said I would.
The reply I met misunderstood.
It seems to be. Perchance it could.
I wait, tap, whisper, I'm good.
And still replies misunderstood.

I'm clear, concise, actions and words
repaid with mud and fog unheard.
Tactics, games true lack of time.
Believe and trust and walk that line.
Where does it lead? From here to where?
The paths at best seem parallel.
At worst obtuse, non-crossing. Hell

How can this be? We dare not say. And does it matter anyway?

Can't seem to

Keep the sink clear of dishes.
Pick up my clothes.
Open, sort,toss and file as appropriate my mail.
Give a shit.
Sleep anywhere but on the floor, what's up with that. Real attractive huh ladies.
Get past this hurdle of my move here. It's like I'm over the hump and stuck on a rock.
Watch TV. Hate it!
Update the church website. Inherited a dinosaur.
Vacuum.
Polish chrome on the Hog. Been in the rain 3 times now. Sucks
Get out and do projects I don't like for bossman. You reading this?
Find someone to spend Friday or Saturday night with. Lame!
Resist that Saturday Cigar. Lately anyway.
Feel like I'm more than just keeping on keepin on.
Buy a new pair of running shoes.
Unpack my summer clothes. Who's still wearing cords!
Build my plane. Had the kit for OMG 6 years!
Finish the config on my Beowulf cluster. Don't ask!
I have 75 nearly finished CAD drawings at work. Why do I start the next?
Buy color ink for printer. Have you seen those prices.
Fix knobs in shower.
Clean, clean, clean. Even the dust is dirty.

What is this a post or a not ta do list.
I'm going to shoot hoops and not do these again.

Death & shades of gray

All things die. Nothing lasts forever. Although they say cockroaches will. Lovely. That's wonderful something to devour the dead wood after the human race is long gone. Or I guess that's termites isn't it? Well same difference.

Remember that song that states If Love never lasts forever.... I think forever is a concept that maybe only God understands. I'm not going to get "religious or even spiritual" promise.

Things - not entirely the right term. People, we all die. Pets, kittens become kats and get old and die. Dogs, pups to dogs and etc. Marriages, relationships, partnerships die. We don't nurture them or cherish them or they become so one sided as to turn into leaches of our souls to the point that we must save ourselves by allowing them to die. And sometimes it becomes necessary to slay them to protect the precious. And for a time (long or short) life goes on.

The sickest saddest thing that is sometimes allowed to die is our hopes and dreams. Sometimes we must let a hope or dream go when it relies upon another not aligned with it. How do we prune our hopes and dreams to be self sufficient? Should we? I don't know the answer to this question. There is a large number of people at my church that are 80 and above! I don't want them to die but they will. I hope they will live on. But do they hope this?

I have other hopes and dreams that may and likely are contrary to the "others" these hopes revolve around. Is this wrong? Should I let them die? I don't know and in some cases have even tried. I have even pursued other dreams that could have eclipsed these yet in turn each of these has fallen upon it's own sword.

I have lost many people dear to me. Whether through actual death or the death of relatedness. Right and wrong seem to be allusive in this confusion of death and loss. I can only hope that this lack of real direction will soon end. That light will shine upon the "right" path and cast shadow on the "wrong" obliterating the thousands of shades of gray.

Oh never failing light, cast back the shades and shadows. Lumen our path. Cast away the doubt. Convict our hearts and minds so to lead us with joy through this life.

Friends

My initial title, "battle" doesn't seem that it could morph from one to the other. Does it? My nephew, (Nicholas, Nicky) would enjoy the use of the word morph. He is quick to impart his 4 years of worldly experience. For him morph has to do with the Power Rangers and usually includes words like "Mighty" and "Thundersord" or some such. Please don't quote.

Nicky has the world simplified down to a level where he is master. This might be a good plan. He is a mighty morphing power ranger complete with, sword, laser weapons and special powers. His dietary intake is provided for him by his mother whom he calls, Elaine or waitress. He will do a thing that he has been ordered to stop at least 3 additional times. His proclamation of being done doing it anyway. He will eat 15 black olives, 1/2 piece of bread less than he takes and a bite or two of the rest of his food. He will gladly (and routinely) locate and take chocolate bars, cookies and other snacks to supplement this amazing diet. His favorite drink, Michelob light. Favorite desert teramisu. Everyone loves and admires Nick. He is a Mans boys man or is that a boys Mans boy? Hmm. Anyway Nick has things figured out. His battles are simple. Violent but simple. And he always wins.

I/we those of us trying to be adults, not so simple. We don't always win. Sometimes it's not clear if we even want to. This is where I was going to talk about my battle. Facing the demon that is no more. Armed with the sword of conviction and the armor of truth. The post that contained these words lost forever. The demon thought to be no more returned and in very short order almost took hold with the grip of despair.

Friends. Friends, relations, partners, lovers. The importance of these types of companions is the similarities. Not the differences. Friends are there for you when in need. It is not a weakness (although it feels like it) to call on them. Friends may become angry if you don't. Friends never judge. They guide you back to the light when all is darkness. They call you on things you would wish to be called on. They hear the subtleties in your voice or written word and acknowledge the plea for help.

I have such friends. Let me be on someones list as such a friend too.

It's all about the hair

Arrived in VT yesterday morning. 7:30 AM after driving all night. The night from, well really 1AM on passed swiftly. Almost without notice. I'm not even clear when it got light. I had two really special things to pass the time. The first and foremost a friend who gave of themselves (on the phone) and was so present for me. I've come to believe that our existence is only realised through relationship. It's like the tree that fell in the woods. If no one heard it did it make a sound? If no one knew us and loved us did we exist at all? The second a book on CD. Those are great for long drives.

Skip this part if you have any sense. Digression!

I'm such a geek. Debugging code at the same time as writing this. My debugger keeps locking the old IBM thinkpad. Moussorgsky - Pictures at an Exhibition is playing on my stereo. I keep hearing a little scratch on the medium highs (left channel). I believe the balance potentiometer on the pre-amp has dirty contacts. Very annoying to an audiophile. There is a fire in the wood stove mainly because the furnace is not working and I can't get the part i need till Monday. Oh my favorite part, the amp, a modified David Haffler 500, Modified to 1 Horsepower per channel into 8 ohms (HAW Haw more power) I can actually disconnect the speaker leads and
arc weld with them! Now how many audiophiles can say that? Anyway the amp has dual 75,000 microfarad mega capacitors. During the intense crescendos they actually almost drain! Now that is music!

Back to the topic.

Yesterday, 7:30AM parents house. Breakfast, conversation little snooze on couch. 10:30 leaving for home and real sleep. Irene finally comes out of the bedroom. As I gaze upon the walking dead and am asked how I am I wonder how many more days she might live. I respond with little kindness, "way better than you!" Her skin has none of the normal color that living people have, but it's not pale either. Scary, it's dark, grey. I think, she's dead. She's already dead! Her body just hasn't acknowledged it yet. Her hair is....no, I'm not a writer there is not explanation. She still has plenty of hair, completely white. It is all bunched up on one side of the top of her head. How does it do that? I understand from Dad that she has not eaten or showered since arriving. Almost 2 weeks now.
Fury rages within me. I saw her in November. She had color and at least 15 more pounds on her bones. Eat Irene. Do you want us to hospitalize you? Horror at my next thought. "How will we pay for that?" She definitely intends to die or just has no desire to consider the most basic necessities of living. Two weeks! Can you imagine? I must get myself home. I have not slept since Thursday night. It's now almost mid day Saturday.

I return to parents house for dinner. Irene doesn't eat. She doesn't even come to the table. Says she's full. Full of what? Shit! Disdain for life! You tell me cause it's not food. There is a birthday cake for her. It was her birthday a few days ago and she insisted on waiting till I got here to
celebrate. Amazing, she came to the table and actually blew out a couple of the candles. Cake is dolled out to the living and the dead alike. The dead took a bite. I did not however witness the swallow. I have been belligerent, spiteful, unkind through the entire meal. I wonder who I am. I
feel ashamed as I utter yet another declaration of my disgust.

Irene's hair looks beautiful for a dead woman. She accompanied my sister, Mother and sister's offspring to the "hair place", front for upper class drug dealing. Who cuts, styles and does a woman's hair for $6.00 and drives a Mercedes, a Lexus and a Lotus! Maybe he just cuts alot of hair. Anyway Irene's hair looks good. Really good as if it belongs on a living person.

Irene is in that place, you know the one. She can remember things from her childhood and earlier adult life flawlessly. Or seemingly so. But she can not remember a conversation from an hour ago. You can not reason with her. You can not alter her conviction. You can not cause her a desire to live. WHAT IS RIGHT? My Dad is going to let her die! She doesn't frigging eat!

Sunday
I am ashamed of my behavior last night. It's 8:30AM, I believe church is at 10AM. I really need to pray today. I wish I knew how. Teach me to pray preacher man. Is it a state of being, state of mind, how I arrange myself physically? Should I prostrate myself and call upon the one? Guide me, lead me, kick me in the ass. Something here. I will go and sing and pray. Need shower.

Hope my hair looks good.

And there is none to help

Going backwards in time. I also pledge to refrain from having all the ridiculous ravings follow a religious theme. However comma as I learned today that my great aunt's condition is worsening. And tell me who at 42 can say their great aunt doesn't have a condition that is worsening? Digression! Um right. The condition, ornarosis( severe and debilitating orneriness. (How many non words can you use in a sentence?) Gotcha beat? OK in addition, possible alzheimer's, dementia, depression, hypertension, any number of cardiac troubles.....stop me please.

This woman who's birthday is today, 93 years young? Is so ornery that she refuses to leave long Island where it costs like a gazillion bucks a month to live. She's on (duh) a fixed income $600/month. I can barely make a week on that and I don't live in the Emerald city! Now if I were the wizard I'd zap her ass back to Kansas. MAJOR DIGRESSION. Reality something she can not face. She has an issue with something that is not a river in Egypt. If you've ever dealt with older folks and ones that are a bit ahh past it, you know that you can reason with them until blue in the face. Sometimes they agree, mostly not. But when they agree they quickly forget that agreement.

IE's - Aunt Irene (Irene from here) You're not OK to live by yourself anymore. Yes I am. But you only eat one or two meals a week. No sometimes three or four. But you don't have the money to maintain your household. There is nothing wrong with it. But you don't take your medicine, your blood pressure is 220/200 and you can't sleep more than an hour or two a night. Oh I sleep fine. But you don't pay your bills, the phone is off, heath insurance canceled (MAJOR FUCKING PANIC), no registration on car. Etc etc for ever. Amen

So you see the ludicrousness of the arguments. And if at a moment she might agree to move or use proceeds from her $750K 3 BR ranch vs giving to the church for her own care. All recollection of that agreement quickly evaporates. So you begin again.

Be not far away for trouble is near and there is none to help. Christs plea to his father as he hung dying on the cross. Earlier he (while praying) had begged God to allow this cup to pass him by and added not my will but yours be done. Oh that this cup of Irene's blood could pass my family by. A Eucharistic metaphor. The cup does pass but as Christians (and please pardon me for those who are not) we must first drink. Irene would like my father to come take care of her. This is just not an option. OMG I'll be taking care of him and mother before long if I'm right. Way too far away anyway. She might say, "be not far from me Art (dad's name)" ....." As it stands none can help. It is like a battle to get behind yourself in ever tightening circles until you might actually disappear. Ever wonder when a dog chases it's tail is it really trying to catch the tail or just see what it looks like from behind?

To sum up this crime against free hard drive space. The above is a peek into why people, families have loved ones committed or declared incompetent. It is how they develop the hardness necessary to ignore and likely trample upon the wishes of loved ones. It is a drink from the cup of the bitterness of age that we hire lawyers, take our elders assets and sock them away hording our sanity and preserving their lives. God help us. God help us if we don't continue to love them, visit them, sit and (agony) talk with them. This may one day be us. God spare those who come after me the burden of my decrepidness!

On the eve of the resurrection I find myself on my third, yes I said third beer in about 30 minutes and am fervently pondering the sacrifice. We (my/our) church held a vigil from Thursday night Maundy Thursday to noon Good Friday. As they of course do every year. Now I took the 5AM to 7AM shift of the Vigil. I found a book on the crucifixion appropriately left in very plain sight for the "watchman of the night." The book written by a woman, seems to me only women can truly understand real sacrifice in these modern times anyway, sought to convey the writers understanding of the necessity of Christs sacrifice. It seems that the writer believes the humiliating death on the cross as a common criminal including the real pain of being strung up and tortured was necessary to demonstrate the completeness of Gods Love for the world. Specifically us, his children in the world. When you really think about it. The central symbol of a cross, modern day equivalent (electric chair) for a faith symbol is Preposterous! But for 2 thousand or more years we have carried this symbol up and down church isles, public streets, into battle and into the most secret places. I believe all of us who claim to be Christian would benefit from closer study of the meaning of this symbol and more specifically what it means to us. I place myself at the forefront of folks who need to do this work.