uneven

Do you ever feel like this?

I often think of the inequities of the world. I guess they have existed since the dawn of time but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to stomach. Perhaps it's a selfish reaction to why does it seem so easy for him/her and so hard for me. But I also have a number of friends who seem to constantly struggle

Of my friends there is a growing category of single woman with children. This is likely due to the fact that I have been trying to date for about 8 or 9 months now and most women approx. my age have been married at least once and have at least one child. The fact that they are just friends is a testament to my dismal luck. Not that I don't cherish these friendships. I do!

Anyway the point? Oh point here is that so many of my new friends seem to constantly struggle. If any of you read this and i know a few do. Deal ok?
My struggles. Relationships. Why is it so hard. Every guy at work is married. Every one, there is not one exception other than me! I look at some of them and think "he can get a girl". Toothless or at least missing quite a number of prominent ones, those still hanging out don't look too great. Crude, rude, disrespectful towards woman. And on and on. I know I'm not perfect. Far from it perhaps but I should be like a shining bastion on a foggy night!

Dude at church, doesn't really "work" much. Wise ass, some days I'd like to introduce him to my 5 brothers and sisters at the end of my right arm. He drives a Lexus SUV and develops real estate. Also owns a bunch of car washes with a friend of mine. Been working for them nights and weekends lately cause I'm so hard up for cash. Lots flowing in. Just more flowing out. It's all in the flow. You know. So we show up last Saturday and he gets me started, then leaves. I work my ass off for 9 hours to the point where i can hardly move. Slept from 6PM Sat night to 8AM Sunday morning. For this I'm paid $8/hr!

Now as I'm writing the check to the college freshman who cuts my grass in VT w/ my tractor and I pay for gas @ $10/hr I realize there is an inequity. So I tell Lexus man to fork off. Recently spoke to a friend w/3 young children. She is in nursing school and has very little. Finances are hard for her. I recently asked her to ride with a bunch of us this weekend. But it's so much harder for her isn't it. Someone to watch the kids, time away from her studies, money for the restaurant we'll likely stop at. No wonder women hate and mistrust us guys. Somewhere some guy screwed her and although she's OK, everything is at least twice as hard for her.

The folks who live next door to me. This isn't the nicest place to live. They have 3 full size vans. Not really sure why. None of them run right and two have been replaced at least once since I've been here. The man looks 60 to me and the woman somewhere between 30 and 50. She seems to have been ridden hard and put up wet more than once. You can just tell these folks are struggling. There is always crap on their lawn. Most of the time I'm not really sure what it even is. They park one of their GD vans in front of my house all the time. It infuriates me. The garbage men won't empty my can cause there is not enough road from the the damn van to get to it. How would I help them?

The receptionist in our office. She is so cute and single and 26y/o. I know she really wants a boyfriend. That's been made clear even to someone who is oblivious of the standard signs, signals, whatever. She is struggling, supporting her brother working as a receptionist (i'm guessing doesn't pay real well) no kids but lonely. Believe me I know. I've serviced her PC a couple of times. Replaced parts with used ones I have laying around. I need not be in her apartment again.

There are so many more stories, that I'm directly involved with. The Lexus driving bastards of the world keep getting richer and the poor bastards of the world keep breaking their backs to that end. And here I am whining. Someone who makes far too much money, spends even more because I plan poorly and am missing something really big. I know I am. So what should I/we do?

Give alms. I guess and don't buy a Lexus.

it happened this year

I may use this for as running tally


A recount of to the best of my remembrance all incidences of injury. These would be in no particular order of severity, chronology or whatever.

1. I hit a deer. Yes ran into it while running. It was dark OK?

2. Caught my hair on fire while welding.

3. Got a respectable shard of metal in my right eye.

4. Chain saw blade broke and wrapped around my arm. No stitches.

5. Was sprayed by a skunk.

6. knee injury forcing me to miss Shamrock marathon

7. Got in a fight with a guy and a knife. I won against guy. I think knife was ahead 2 points on me.

8. was hit by a car only last week. I think I bruised my hip. Hurts a bit.

9. Very slight electric shock today on a 480Volt 3 phase circuit. Silly. No external wounds.

10. Wonder if broken hearts count? Wounded pride? Assassinated character?

I need to talk to my mom. I'm really not this klutzy, clumsy, foolhardy etc. I think I barely ever got hurt as a kid.

This here is pure documentation. Read with southern accent.

the stuff of peace

I'm such a simpleton. I don't ask for much. I do without much more than most folks I know. My life is so very simple and maybe that's the problem. All you complexites out there have no idea what you're missing. I think perhaps I'm projecting my values and freedoms on others. Most of the rest of you are too caught up in your stuff! Physical and logical stuff.

What do you need all that crap for? It's weighing you down and holding you back! You can't make a run for it if you need to. All your stuff would be clattering along behind like the cans they tie to the back of the wedding "get away" cars.

I went to the beach a few nights ago with a book, towel and refilled bottle of water. Totally on a whim. Needed to get my mind off all the stuff at work. Drop everything and go to the beach. Most of you could not do that. Admit it. It's a major planning evolution. I wanted to relax and read. Smell the salt air, listen to the waves and the gulls.

What I got instead was a beach full of people who brought their stuff with them! Skinny teenage girls who would have been attractive were it not for the "F" word splattering out of their amazingly large mouths thrice per sentence. Totally obliterating the ocean and the gulls. Makes you wish you could take a video and show it to them 10-15 years from now. Two young "men" (very loose use of that term) deciding to beat on each other suddenly clearing the beach of about 50 or 60 sick-o's who needed to watch? What stuff were they fighting over?!

Could be my fault for going to ghetto beach. But it makes you wonder, age old ponderings. If we are so offensive, so trashy, so intolerant of our close brothers and sisters. How can we find peace. How can people of vastly different cultures, beliefs, values ever hope to do better than at best, mild disdain. At worst war.

It's all about the stuff. Think about it. They have the oil, we have the food, over there has the diamonds, those folks have the best beaches, etc and on and on. Trade deficits, global economy that's not really "economic" if it's being controlled and manipulated by a few. The few are human, fallible, selfish and want more fucking stuff!

Blame

Have you noticed not only how easy it is to place blame? And at least for me lately how necessary? One very stupid case in point. Last week one morning at 2AM my phone rang. It was the alarm monitoring company. Our alarm at the office was going off again. I installed the alarm system, did all the wiring and programming of the panel.

After I completed the work I wanted to train the "guys" to use it. We have a monthly field meeting where all are present. During the meeting I explained its use to 40 glassy eyed dudes and said we would go down ofter the meeting and have everyone give it a try. No one wanted to try it! And I'm #1 on the call list when the alarm goes off. We had 7 false alarms that 1st week. One each day.

Back to 2AM. I get the call it's down pouring, thunder and lightening and I was actually asleep. Sleep is good. So I call the office no answer of course, dial into the panel, unfortunately the dial-in feature works on the office side not the shop/warehouse side. Wracking my brain, who is working late tonight. Usually no one this late.

OK damn it I'll go. So I drive in, alarm still going off. I find the main shop entrance door wide open and note that the lock is in bad repair. Takes me several closes and some wriggling to make it lock and latch. So I surmise that the door was not fully latched and blew open in the high winds. Oh I was all ready to connect to the panel and find out who armed the system. I wanted a name! But why? So I could berate or belittle them. You dumb, me smart.

This wasn't even any ones fault. Course would have been nice if someone said, "Hey this lock is broken." In an effort to analyse things I note that I should have insisted that hands on training happen. I should have insisted the technician take the wiring diagram I drew. Then maybe he would not have destroyed a pressure transducer by hooking up backwards. Strict conformance to a layout of a superheater I designed. Then it would have fit without field modification. And a good number more.

As I look back I allowed in all these situations the latitude of failure. Not disaster really just little irritating SNAFU's. So when I say "Here take this drawing or diagram or these instructions." and they say "I don't need that." I need to be sure they understand I'll run the "you stupid moron flag with their name on it" to the top of the pole for all to see. This isn't blame but more of a peer bashing. Also very embarrassing to have it done by the "paperwork" guy. That's me they think I do paperwork all day.

It's a funny world we live in but I'm going to try and avoid the immediate desire to place blame. Gather all the facts and solve the problem. Then if someone still needs an attitude adjustment I'll run the flag to the top of the pole.

Code Tweaks

Mainly colors. Twas very blah before. Also way too much white for my new monitor. This thing is bright. Can't believe you have to edit the html to change these colors. s'why it took me so long

Ask

I was just pondering Preacherman's sermon and resolving that we all have an off day. Sorry dude. You sucked today. For some reason and don't look for the logic here cause there's none, I began thinking of a very simple hymn which I always loved. I believe it's entitled "Seek Ye first the Kingdom of God."

I began to wonder, because one of the lines says, "Ask and it shall be given unto you" so I began to wonder, have I asked? I don't think I have asked. Another line is "Seek and Ye shall find." "Knock and the door shall be opened unto you." Well I've seeked or is it sought. Not quite sure about the knocking part.

Could it be that simple? Of course not, but what really strikes me as odd is that something so important to me was not brought before him for consideration. It seems on one level as though "He" should already know what it is. I mean for Pete's sake I've been floundering around down here for months. Are you paying attention? Why do you need a personal invitation? Wave whatever it is you wave or blink your eyes, nod you head, wiggle your nose. I don't know.

So if I come before you and ask for that which you already know I want, you'll what? Thou shall not put the Lord to the test. Is that a commandment? Seems like it should be if it's not. If you could effect this, would you? Do you prefer the chaos theory? Everything happens for a reason. Bull shit.

So here goes, you know that thing we don't talk about. I'd like for something to happen. Doesn't need to be overnight. But could you do some sorta like positive continual progress? Nothing fancy. Not miracle-ish. Perhaps a nudge. Kinda like the amoeba.

Now that I've deliberately thought this your way and even vaguely written what I want you'll be timed for your execution.

Cool that's done what next?
World peace. Oh lower gas prices!