fear

If you love something (someone)...sometimes you have to let it (them) go. I've heard this said. They say if (they) love you (they) will return to you. Perhaps this is the mindset for turning a grown offspring loose in the world. I doubt I'll ever know that feeling and I don't know if that deepens or lessons my sadness. The degree of change being insignificant.

I have to let someone go. I have to give them their freedom. Why don't I love them enough? How do you fight the fear that says you will loose them? You will loose that which is good about yourself that they bring out in you. You will never find someone who looks at you that way again, that makes you feel relevant, special, important.

know that I am trying...know that I care...know that I mean well


silent scream

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Some say "bad things only happen to good people." What is good and bad, right and wrong? Pure speculation might say that all is relative. And that may be. The analytical part of my brain says that these adjectives only have meaning in context. The problem here is that I have an extremely sensitive moral and social center, tied permanently to my emotional self.

Bail now if you don't like it...I'm going deeper.

I believe that I tend to take things harder than others, or at least am far less able to hide the abject poisonous venom devouring my insides each time some seemingly grand injustice happens in the (or should I say my) world. Because in truth I'm not that caring about the world as a whole. I can't be. I don't have the strength to weep that much. Nor do I have the fortitude to right enough wrongs (even in my small circle) to seemingly make squat of a difference.

I think...and hope that staying completely open to joy is what exposes those of us to a deeper sorrow and sharper pain when something or someone important is hurt or taken away from us. Often the simplest thing can have more value than all the rest of the world put together. It might just be something we cling to. Helping us shed the darkness for a bit longer. There are those that might say this is a weakness of character or an over sensitive, emotional makeup. Again I believe that to be relative. I can no more change my stance than a gay person can choose to be straight. So how do we deal with the intense difficulties that we face. Tears help a lot. I find that I know I'm real at these moments. I exist and matter at least to myself. I have often wished to be one of these seemingly oblivious people that nothing can effect. A rock. I envision (not sure why) an man who can no matter what has happened sit down and watch football settling into the happiest place he could ever want to be. I don't have one of these happy places. Why is that? Am I too aloof?

A recent loss has drug all this up for me. I firmly believe we can never truly find great joy and happiness if we are not open and vulnerable to hurt and sadness...yet even in the full knowledge of that I still often stand in abject awe and wonder at the pain and sorrow that seems to rain down upon me. Sometimes I ask, am I awake? Did that really happen? Firmly believing that I'm not such a bad person and how in the fuck could such a thing....

And so bad things happen to good people. Or sensitive people experience the lowest of low in order to soar to the highest of high.

nuff said

stupid shit i think about

stupid shit seems an apt title for many of my posts.

My mom's open heart surgery is scheduled for this Thursday. I need to call her today. She is really scared. I am too in a surreal way...kind of detached and selfish. I have a calm feeling that she will make it through fine but there is always that chance that she may not. She is quite weak.

I have had a dream of singing at my moms funeral ever since I sang Rutters' Requiem...I don't know, 15 years ago I guess. I dream that I am to sing the bass solo of the Requiem. It's very low and stretches my voice almost to it's limit. It's very uncomfortable...yet perhaps Requiem should be uncomfortable.

It's starts out so low and very quiet..."Libera me domine de morte aeterna" - "Lord I pray deliver me from deaths everlasting fire". If I don't think of the English I'm ok...but if I indulge myself I loose it in hopeless gasping sobs. Mom turned 75 in September and I sent her flowers for her birthday. She liked them quite a bit I think based upon her thank you note. Written in an unsteady hand on an enormous piece of paper. She also pointed out that now being 75 she is 3/4 of the way to heaven.

I don't think anyone enjoys hearing song in Latin anymore. And I don't think the 1st born son should have to sing at his mothers funeral. She is going to be fine. Yet the day will come for the song. Who will have the fortitude to sing?

far

how to keep the loneliness away

need to keep the sadness at bay

prevent this chipping, chiseling, carving away

of the self I halfway like...into a self I hardly know.

watching them two by two walking to their cars smiling
or whole families laughing with the rest of the day to look forward to.

and me, watching her walk away. always leaving...for a while I stay.

then to this over sized house I race. never dreamt it another lonely place.
yet I can still manage a smile as I envision her face.

All you need is Love

This line - says about all there is to say


Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time.

thank you John

Time

I know I've written about time before and I thought I need not duplicate myself and add my inane thoughts to the electronic clutter more than once. But as I looked through this blog I rapidly lost patience with myself and the unbelievable gobs of useless things I have written. Whew.

So here it is...Time. Time scares me. The passage of it weighs heavy on my mind. Thoughts of what did I do...yesterday, last week...month...year...decade eat away at my ok-ed-ness. Making me feel really not ok most of the time. Now I'm not sure if this is a mid-life thing or not. But I feel strangulated by my inability to achieve a specific thing of such importance that it consumes me to the point that I do LITTLE else. It seems like I need to break a mirror and rush through to the other side in order to continue on. Can I live without the shattered reflections left behind? What if I don't like the other side of the mirror?

All the while time marches on. Things are changing, evolving, morphing and moving away as I scream at my mirror. If I do (and I know I should) pursue other things that are very likely important too. Will "the" thing be lost forever and can I live with the chance of that happening. Nearly everyone around me seems to have it together. Know what they are about, where they are going and how to get there. What ridiculous character flaw is doing this to me. I think about surgically removing this flaw and wonder who I would be. But yes I believe I would if I could.

So time continues to continue. And I continue to make little mistakes. Are they cumulative? Do they eventually add up to something enormous? What am I supposed to do? I don't have a set something or someone. My nature is to be there for and to help others. I need an "other". Someone to love and give myself to. At least this is what I think I need, maybe I'm full of shit. Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe I need a massage.

One thing is for sure I am as stuck as I have ever been and time is not. My arms are not long enough to reach the world that is steadily leaving me behind. I need to be unstuck. I wonder if I can take that on as a goal. I'll need to think about that.

Sigh

Letting go

Sometimes we must let go of something. Sometimes this something feels essential. I can only hope for anyone that goes through this...including myself, that the man behind the curtain has a replacement in mind and not just another lesson in loss and grieving.

Hope was fired from my work today. She has over the last year become my confidant and close friend. I honestly don't know how to face tomorrow. She calls me her office husband. I don't know that anyone knows me better. Weird as that may seem to say I'm pretty sure it's true. There is nothing romantic in the slightest, just a mutual caring and respect the breadth and depth of which I have not found before in anyone. She has a way of listening and responding giving me what I need to keep going without pandering. She has succeeded where family, friends and my priest have failed.

Now I know we can stay in touch...likely will. This is a chunk of something that I feel very unwilling to let go of. I'm whining I suppose. But also I hope that this entry will alert the cosmos of a good soul.

gonna miss ya

dumb stuff

To all readers:

Yes all 3 of you. The computer guy, the one with more certifications than brains misunderstood the security settings on this site and wound up locking a number of you out for several weeks. Just goes to show you that Microsoft Certifications are completely useless. Maybe they look nice hanging on the wall. Anyway we are back on track here and open for public viewing again. There is no promise of anything worth reading. But hey, nothing new.

Peace

download

Forgive me blog

It has been 31 days since my last entry. I struggle with a number of things outside my control...foolish man that I am. I let my heart hurt perhaps out of self pity or maybe loathing.

I want and desire, crave and seek without regard to others. I look at the happiness others enjoy and wonder if they are faking it. Is that possible. How do they drag themselves out of the muck. I put on a fake smile and laugh at someones joke. Not having heard a word they said.

I see her across the room but am frightened to approach. I want to talk with her but nothing comes out of my mouth. I would give everything without hesitation to know if she still thinks about me. Is it possible to have done something so awful that I can never be forgiven? I have no outlet but you blog. Who can I confide in about this? How can I share this weakness with anyone without their complete loss of respect?

Moving on. Going through the motions of eating food and work and exercise. Settling into a routine as fulfilling as diet coke. Loosing ground, missing out. Singleness, loss, inwardness, doubt.

So blog forgive me for my absence. Thank you for listening. I'll be back.

Ponder worthy

“The opportunity of a lifetime must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity.”
Leonard Ravenhill

Justaditty

The Gift of Love

Though I may speak with bravest fire
And have the gift to all inspire
But have not love, my words are vain
as sounding brass and hopeless gain

Though I may give all I possess
And striving so my love profess
But not be given by love within
The profit soon turns strangely thin

Come spirit come our hearts control
Our spirits long to be made whole
Let inward love guide every deed
By this we worship and are freed

She describes infinity

Boundless, limitless, beyond reach, without end....

Light. I always think of light when I think of infinity. Which truthfully isn't that often since it makes my brain hurt. There are those, (few in number...yet some) who have some bizarre impression that I have half a brain or more. If that were true I could ponder infinity without brain pain.

So Light. Light is energy. Radiant energy to be exact. Created in a number of different ways, or should I say loosed (set free) in a number of ways. Traveling at a ridiculously high rate of speed, forever. Yes infinitely. It doesn't slow down, it doesn't stop. Where does it go? I guess the answer is everywhere. It may and likely does dissipate to the point where it is completely undetectable. But it keeps on going.

We experience light visually, it's effect (warmth) we feel on our skin as the radiation gives up its energy destroying some of our cells and turning them brown.

She radiates a warmth, it's her very own light energy released by the neuro-electro-chemical processes of "her". And it touches everyone around her, bathes them in glow. And she has control over this radiation, directing its effect more fully to one...or denying its effect as she sees fit. People gather to her sharing the warmth.

I'm certain everyone knows when she is absent. There is a noticeable reduction in the radiation levels. Perhaps she needs to share the infinite with others. We can not hoard that to ourselves. Share the wealth with someone else.

She describes infinity
radiant smile of warmth and light
effects of proximity
she might smile at me

without beginning or end
I can't place her from past
never changing...yet always new
thoughts and dreams which must last

soulful moments, touch and smell
music, harmony, a summer breeze
sharing without speaking, in tune so well
starting over in the middle, never yielding or admitting defeat
maintaining presence for sometime, someday

she describes infinity - energy can not be created or destroyed - transformed, focused, absorbed, combined, kinetic

Goals and Dreams

I was recently made aware of the difference between a goal and a dream. Goals are written down, assigned a date, parameters, obstacles are identified as well as the resources necessary for achievement. This (to me) makes such perfect sense as I realize I have no goals and so many dreams.

A friend of mine recently told me she was going to start taking classes this fall working towards a "goal" that will forward her career...maybe offer her some additional independence. She has a vision, time frame, knows the obstacles and resources necessary. How brave! How marvelous. I'm so proud of her and envious.

Having a goal doesn't mean you'll achieve it. Having a dream doesn't mean anything at all. This is insanely pragmatic for me. I'm scared to death but I am going to set some goals. Tonight. Figure this out.

I love to dream...but some of the dreams need to transform into reality. Otherwise why dream?

Take

My take on shit...

I don't believe in "everything happens for a reason". Don't get me wrong I'd like to. It would be wonderful if every little detail were part of the grand plan. I guess I'm just not that narcissistic to think that the "All powerful" needs to manage the happenings of my life. Again I believe more in monitoring than managing. Lately I hope you've been a bit busy big guy. :)

So as far as driving your own destiny I think we more like nudge it along making ridiculously coarse course corrections the best that we can. We have free will...right? Or so we are led to believe. If we were going to have a fully managed existence we'd still be in Eden and the catchy old phrase an "apple a day" would be sacrilege.

What can anyone take away from this? Have you ever had that feeling? An urging one way or another in a situation. Maybe that's all we get. To my remembrance whenever I've ignored it...I've regretted it.

So I take charge, I try to nudge my life in the direction I hope to go. I have a direction driven existence. There is a purpose and a plan to everything I do. It's not grandiose, sometimes it may be considered foolhardy. The pursuit of happiness eh. There are no whimsical decisions. I don't think I'm butting heads with the almighty...just taking care of the light work.

So if you've read this and are thinking, "WTF?" Send me a bill for your time.

cheers

From the top

I'm gonna sing this from the top of Mt. Washington this summer. I know for a fact God is there.


O Lord on high we pray thee guide us and keep our souls in thine own care. When dark our way with light provide us. Teach us thy righteousness to share. Lead thou us on through dangers low'ring. Be thou our shield in fears over powering. Oh let thy mercy ever be our guard. Over our lives keep watch and ward. Over our lives keep watch and ward.

Virginia P. Marwick

Set to music by none other than W. A. Mozart

Love the one you're with

she's frightfully intelligent. her smile is kind, warm and filled with a depth of sadness I can not know. She is forbidden, far away yet at the forefront of my thoughts. to pursue...is wrong, counter productive...sinful. Yet I do. she has made me weep and yearn. I realized today for the first time in 43 years what pre-occupation means. While I should have been working. Duh!

Can you loose something you never had? The hope of an idea fading into the most unlikely unfulfilled dream. It slips ever farther away until you're not sure what it ever really was. And the vague memory of it brings on a feeling of such angst. The bible speaks of weeping and gnashing of teeth. This approaches the torment.

I could settle. The opportunity present and tempting. The search exhausting, consuming and tiresome. Perhaps this brilliant author who wrote "Love the one you're with" would advise this course. I don't believe I can steer my life down that path. The hope of long shot Eros more enticing than a sure Agape. It's like two objects hurling through space in extreme close proximity with just the slightest difference of heading and no control over said heading. Soon...no matter what they'll be light years apart. But for a time...so very very close.

Dying on the vine

Left hanging there...ripe and ready, yet unplucked. What cruel joke is this? How much can one stand before madness. Spies everywhere...Observing, mentally recording. Will this fruit ever become wine?


Dying, dying, dying on the vine

Whitesnake & John Rutter

"Requiem" vs "How do you know when it's love"

I remember the day Sondra moved out. Quite a few people helped her. I recall being so grateful that she had friends that cared and would help her. The majority I didn't know. But there was another inter-racial couple from church that helped. I'm still not sure how I felt about that.

I remember it all like yesterday. It was a cold day in January, snow on the ground...I made Coffee and hot cocoa and some things for people to eat. I just could not help them...I was paralyzed. I threw up as they drove down that very long driveway. For several hours after they all left I could hardly breathe. Funny as I think back on it...no one checked on me or called me to see if I was ok. No one. Not my family, friends, priest...I hadn't really thought about that till now. Ted and Noah (my other super great friend) probably didn't know it was happening. I was more macho then...not much but more.

Not sure where this is going, so hang on it could get messy. I've been thinking about profound losses in my life. Dad's father, Mom's mother, Sondra. My Mom is so very sick, morbidly I think of her death and for some bizarre reason I always feel like I'm going to be obligated to sing the bass solo from Rutter's Requiem. Dumb huh? I mean I've sung it before, but it's quite difficult and there is no way I wouldn't get choked up. None.

So how do you know if it's love? I can't tell you but it lasts forever. Bull shit. How do you know when it's ok to say; "I love you". When it's love is the good better? Help me please I don't remember. For sure the bad is worse. Disappointment, expectations, rejection, anger.

So Rutter, the man who wrote much of the most beautiful sacred music and had no faith whatever, and death...mainly death...Where is thy sting? People die, relationships die, faith dies...sometimes hope dies. Death collecting it's spoils and still we write songs. God bless the songwriters that amidst the death, disappointment, anger and etc...still write the songs. And God help us the day the music dies.

Peace all...peace

six double U

Seeing without looking. Self conscious purposefully not looking. I noticeably try not to notice you noticing me.

I wonder if you can hear my voice? Do you like it? Are you embarrassed? Ridiculous broad spectrum thoughts...Pondering

Have I spoken to enough people yet? Can I go talk with you now? Is it blatantly obvious? It must be!! It feels blatant. I should just carry a sign.

I read the emails, text's and chats....over and over. Just to ease the feeling of missing you. How desperately idiotic is that?

I know that it can not be...know the right thing to do and yet I do not do it. Foolish moron! I should just break my own heart instead of waiting for you to do it.

Been in this neighborhood before. Not down this street though. It's different...nice...familiar...yet new and exciting.

Waiting, watching, wondering, waisting, weathering and wanting

She

Her entire face smiles. At once mischievous and sad. I can not look at her without smiling...and weeping.

Her voice breaks the silence gently. Sound rippling through the void from her lips to my ears. The melody reminds of a brightly lit kitchen. Smelling fresh and clean and new.

She is real. I've breathed in her scent, slowly, carefully...trembling with it's effects. The subtlety of her perfume mixed with her natural scents could conquer armies.

Memorizing her face for later...each time we are together I commit another detail to memory. Perfecting her image in my minds eye. I can see her whenever and wherever. She is everywhere, yet seldom "here".

She is real. I've kissed her lips. Silky, soft, desirable...moist, full, willing, wonderful. Lustful, alive, hungry and barely controlled I smile.

To meet her gaze is dangerous. I could get lost in those eyes. Carma, radiance, warmth. The eyes say, hold me, keep me, know me...

She IS

Work = Force x distance

Work requires energy.

Can you really miss someone you don't know?

How much energy say in joules, does it take to completely shut someone out?

To push them so far away you'll never see, hear or know them again.

I wonder if I'll ever feel the need to do that. What does it feel like?

It must be horrific. Like opening the space shuttle door outside the atmosphere. The sound alone would freeze you if the sudden change in temperature to absolute zero didn't.

Energy, expending energy missing a creature that has expended exponentially more...

All things work towards equilibrium. The energy must be disbursed and absorbed. Utilized.

How much energy does a look of bewilderment take, how much to completely clear the brain of all thought, add in some tears, some grasping for straws, labored breathing, a couple sleepless nights. Prayers of forgiveness, healing for the hurt.

I'm sure I've left things out...I'll never possess the energy to do such a thing.

I hope not anyway.

And then

And then...nothing
no wait something long overdue...new

and then...nothing
the rug, no the whole floor ripped out from beneath
you fall yet remain standing
said to be impossible there is no thought
not even the notion that there is no thought
looking through what you are looking at you see nothing
yet are unafraid.

and then...back
breathe, you've not been breathing
first breathe, then cry, then breathe and cry.

And then...too much
too many thoughts
reeling in search of something familiar
nothing
sitting down...standing is wasteful

and then...and then...and then


breakfast

Struggling

I am struggling in my mind to find if I have actually done something wrong. I am so completely unsure. As I assumed natural attrition took place. The three became 2, and then one and then none. Wait a minute the idea was to stop at one.

In my zest for sharing and openness with the "last girl standing" I shared that I was hurt a bit by another and it was recent. I feel absolutely awful. Beating myself up for days now. How does one forgive oneself when we act outside our own guidelines.

It's unclear to me how I got in this mess. I mean why did I let it happen. It was unclear how I was going to get out. Without hurting anyone. The odd thing is that loosing each one of these gals hurt me. And yet it was necessary. Truthfully a blessing that I didn't have to do it. The one who got hurt was the kindest and sweetest. She made me cupcakes on Christmas day. Who will forgive me for this? Will God forgive me? I don't feel forgiven. Will she ever forgive...speak to me again?

Wretched man that I am...who will save me from this body of sin and death?