All you need is Love

This line - says about all there is to say


Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time.

thank you John

Time

I know I've written about time before and I thought I need not duplicate myself and add my inane thoughts to the electronic clutter more than once. But as I looked through this blog I rapidly lost patience with myself and the unbelievable gobs of useless things I have written. Whew.

So here it is...Time. Time scares me. The passage of it weighs heavy on my mind. Thoughts of what did I do...yesterday, last week...month...year...decade eat away at my ok-ed-ness. Making me feel really not ok most of the time. Now I'm not sure if this is a mid-life thing or not. But I feel strangulated by my inability to achieve a specific thing of such importance that it consumes me to the point that I do LITTLE else. It seems like I need to break a mirror and rush through to the other side in order to continue on. Can I live without the shattered reflections left behind? What if I don't like the other side of the mirror?

All the while time marches on. Things are changing, evolving, morphing and moving away as I scream at my mirror. If I do (and I know I should) pursue other things that are very likely important too. Will "the" thing be lost forever and can I live with the chance of that happening. Nearly everyone around me seems to have it together. Know what they are about, where they are going and how to get there. What ridiculous character flaw is doing this to me. I think about surgically removing this flaw and wonder who I would be. But yes I believe I would if I could.

So time continues to continue. And I continue to make little mistakes. Are they cumulative? Do they eventually add up to something enormous? What am I supposed to do? I don't have a set something or someone. My nature is to be there for and to help others. I need an "other". Someone to love and give myself to. At least this is what I think I need, maybe I'm full of shit. Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe I need a massage.

One thing is for sure I am as stuck as I have ever been and time is not. My arms are not long enough to reach the world that is steadily leaving me behind. I need to be unstuck. I wonder if I can take that on as a goal. I'll need to think about that.

Sigh

Letting go

Sometimes we must let go of something. Sometimes this something feels essential. I can only hope for anyone that goes through this...including myself, that the man behind the curtain has a replacement in mind and not just another lesson in loss and grieving.

Hope was fired from my work today. She has over the last year become my confidant and close friend. I honestly don't know how to face tomorrow. She calls me her office husband. I don't know that anyone knows me better. Weird as that may seem to say I'm pretty sure it's true. There is nothing romantic in the slightest, just a mutual caring and respect the breadth and depth of which I have not found before in anyone. She has a way of listening and responding giving me what I need to keep going without pandering. She has succeeded where family, friends and my priest have failed.

Now I know we can stay in touch...likely will. This is a chunk of something that I feel very unwilling to let go of. I'm whining I suppose. But also I hope that this entry will alert the cosmos of a good soul.

gonna miss ya