Work = Force x distance

Work requires energy.

Can you really miss someone you don't know?

How much energy say in joules, does it take to completely shut someone out?

To push them so far away you'll never see, hear or know them again.

I wonder if I'll ever feel the need to do that. What does it feel like?

It must be horrific. Like opening the space shuttle door outside the atmosphere. The sound alone would freeze you if the sudden change in temperature to absolute zero didn't.

Energy, expending energy missing a creature that has expended exponentially more...

All things work towards equilibrium. The energy must be disbursed and absorbed. Utilized.

How much energy does a look of bewilderment take, how much to completely clear the brain of all thought, add in some tears, some grasping for straws, labored breathing, a couple sleepless nights. Prayers of forgiveness, healing for the hurt.

I'm sure I've left things out...I'll never possess the energy to do such a thing.

I hope not anyway.

And then

And then...nothing
no wait something long overdue...new

and then...nothing
the rug, no the whole floor ripped out from beneath
you fall yet remain standing
said to be impossible there is no thought
not even the notion that there is no thought
looking through what you are looking at you see nothing
yet are unafraid.

and then...back
breathe, you've not been breathing
first breathe, then cry, then breathe and cry.

And then...too much
too many thoughts
reeling in search of something familiar
nothing
sitting down...standing is wasteful

and then...and then...and then


breakfast

Struggling

I am struggling in my mind to find if I have actually done something wrong. I am so completely unsure. As I assumed natural attrition took place. The three became 2, and then one and then none. Wait a minute the idea was to stop at one.

In my zest for sharing and openness with the "last girl standing" I shared that I was hurt a bit by another and it was recent. I feel absolutely awful. Beating myself up for days now. How does one forgive oneself when we act outside our own guidelines.

It's unclear to me how I got in this mess. I mean why did I let it happen. It was unclear how I was going to get out. Without hurting anyone. The odd thing is that loosing each one of these gals hurt me. And yet it was necessary. Truthfully a blessing that I didn't have to do it. The one who got hurt was the kindest and sweetest. She made me cupcakes on Christmas day. Who will forgive me for this? Will God forgive me? I don't feel forgiven. Will she ever forgive...speak to me again?

Wretched man that I am...who will save me from this body of sin and death?