she's frightfully intelligent. her smile is kind, warm and filled with a depth of sadness I can not know. She is forbidden, far away yet at the forefront of my thoughts. to pursue...is wrong, counter productive...sinful. Yet I do. she has made me weep and yearn. I realized today for the first time in 43 years what pre-occupation means. While I should have been working. Duh!
Can you loose something you never had? The hope of an idea fading into the most unlikely unfulfilled dream. It slips ever farther away until you're not sure what it ever really was. And the vague memory of it brings on a feeling of such angst. The bible speaks of weeping and gnashing of teeth. This approaches the torment.
I could settle. The opportunity present and tempting. The search exhausting, consuming and tiresome. Perhaps this brilliant author who wrote "Love the one you're with" would advise this course. I don't believe I can steer my life down that path. The hope of long shot Eros more enticing than a sure Agape. It's like two objects hurling through space in extreme close proximity with just the slightest difference of heading and no control over said heading. Soon...no matter what they'll be light years apart. But for a time...so very very close.
