stars

There is no light pollution in Southern Vermont. I always forget how many stars you can see at night. So many more than here or other places I have lived. Christmas was good this year back in the other "V" state. So many things are different now. I didn't recognize my brothers kids. Literally didn't know who they were. This stupid misunderstanding has been a travesty. While my brother is still a self centered ass...words directly from the mouth of his 17 y/o son...he is still my brother. I won't let that hurt my relationship with his kids or his wife any longer.

The kids all played together...the adults all drank together and mom was so very happy...

Christmas Pictures

Lots of new things for 2010...and the hope of one more reconciliation. It's going to be a great year.

1 down

Spoke with my brother for the 1st time in over 3 years yesterday. I told him I love him and will always be here for him if he needs me. That did not appear to mean much to him. He has grown into a very selfish and self centered man. I don't really know him anymore. He is no longer the shy little brother that I protected as a youth. He isn't the little guy I would allow to play with the "big" kids to keep him close and keep an eye on him. I was grateful that he seemed to listen and we have exchanged phone numbers to stay in touch.

There is one more broken relationship in my life. Someone I have no tie to except a deep desire to know and be known by her. I do not know how to go about repairing the damage. I have neither the courage or the wisdom to know how to begin. But I kneel in church every Sunday and pray God will help repair this cherished friendship. If there is a God out there somewhere...he/she knows my heart and knows I need help.

I pray that it will not require three years.

There is a phrase, "The burden of this is intolerable". It fits.

up

Wandering aimlessly. My only purpose now is school. I have no other focus at all. I think I'm falling into depression. Friends urge me to see a Dr. get some "pills". I won't do it. I will tough my way through it. I will get up each day and go to work. And if that is all my life is...then that is all it is.

I miss her every day. There have been so many others, meaningless wastes of time and energy. I was with one and realized I was lonely. How do you tell someone you're lonely even though they are right there?! Seems pretty cruel and I just can't be cruel like that. So you lie, a little white "save the feelings" lie. What difference...

And I dream about her. Sometimes I wake up remembering that she's gone, and it's a pit...and it's as those old cartoon's that ended with the screen closing in to black from the outside to the center. Which way is up. Melissa Etheridge stays in the player in the truck. Playing over and over. I lack for nothing materially. Yet I'd trade it all for that truest friendship. Someone who checks on you...makes sure you are ok. Someone who knows you and your faults and doesn't bat an eye.

How do you find that? How do you move from here to there? Which way is up?

my web

O no, I see,
I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,

The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.

-Coldplay-

Feelings hurt and I'm too proud
to run screaming right out loud
I miss you so I must confess
Oh such a fucking great big mess

Dry my eyes and push on hard
Keep breathing, moving, hold up my guard
No end in sight no plan in play
to clear this tangled broken web away

When all is lost...how does one know
How do you just...stop the flow
Second guessing every action you take
Doing nothing for fear of mistake

And all the time and along the way
If I ever caused you trouble...
I never meant to cause you trouble

-Gern-

all the leaves are brown

And the skis are gray.

This was a very bad week. A week to remember to forget. Two people at work lost their fathers this week, A fellow student killed themselves and I found out Thursday that my mom had a stroke. And I still morn a loss which I can not begin to describe and which has taken away a piece of me that I may never get back.

In the bleak mid winter frosty wind made moan........

I have been a wreck lately. I am loosing myself to the darkness. I don't even care anymore and I guess it shows. It's such an effort to put on a smile and be positive. I feel so bad for my co-workers. I try to just stay in my little place and not bug them so they don't get sucked down in the Whirlpool.

So I've made an emergency trip to VT. Odd thing is she is doing better. It's good news and I'm grateful. But I still have these recurring dreams of singing the bass solo of Rutter's Requiem at her service...I can't do that.

Father let this cup pass from me. I can not drink this wine. I can not drink this wine. I'm on the brink of complete meltdown every moment lately. If this cloud doesn't pass soon I'll be wearing a new kind of jacket with long sleeves that tie around in the back and reside in a soundproof padded room so no one can hear me make odd noises.

While much of the above may be exaggeration...I can't take a lot, lot more. They say he knows our limits. I'm beginning to question...

free me

One day you just get tired of crying
Runnin' can't escape the beating heart
One day you just get tired of dying
Living can't escape the beating march
But a higher bloom unveils
In a low down dirty day
And all that dreams entail
Come and take your suffering away
This eye looks with love
This eye looks with judgment
Free me take the sight out of this eye

-Edie Brickell-

Free me from this lack of faith
Save me from falling away
Catch me when I am unkind
Keep me of a simple mind
When I falter when I slip
Buoy me up don't let me trip
If I don't pass on your love
Free me...

-Gern-

Irene

To followup on a question from the last post about Aunt Irene, actually Great Aunt Irene...she is still with us although I believe her body is all but dead, the mind isn't quite at peace yet.

We believe she is afraid to die possibly because she thinks my Dad needs her. The Hospice worker said if she was put at peace she would likely die shortly after. I am told by my sister that my father very lovingly and beautifully told her that we would all be ok. That we loved her and it was ok for her to rest. He told her it was ok for her to be with Jesus and her loved ones that had gone on before her.

I understand it was so moving and touching that everyone there was in tears. Who is this man that claims to be my father? Why am I learning about the breadth of his dimensions and depth of his feelings so late in life? Is this new or have I not been paying attention? I feel so isolated and alone down here like my family is fading away. I call them so often I'm afraid I'm becoming a pest.

The weird thing is that we weren't close to Irene growing up. However it is way too sobering watching her deteriorate, somewhat less than 80lbs now and the mind giving up logical thought and reason. It's not fair God. It's not right to continue to drag this on. She has done her work here. Volunteered for over 40 years at the clinic and likely many other things.

But I digress. Irene seems to be very much stuck. Eventually her body will completely give up on her. But for now she continues to live for others. Caught in some sort of cruel misunderstanding. Life is full of them.

step

Into the light
step in to the light
you've earned your rest
time and this world have exacted their best

Step to the light
where no darkness exists
no shadow - no gray - no waver

Step too the light
they wait for you there
gram and gramps, uncle john....
longing to see you healed, restored to perfection

Step into the light
follow its glow
the strongest woman we've known
strength leaves you now, let it flow
you won't need it
not where you go

Step into the light
you must leave us behind
we'll carry on in your place
for a time

Step into the light
enough is enough
no more pills no more suffering
no more, no more of that stuff

Step off to the light
what a burden it's been
the top rung of our family ladder
not vacant, now the next of your kin

Be at perfect - perfect peace
please prepare the way
I'm on the ladder
but two steps away

Bless you Irene and the life that you lived
may the light warm you always where always you live

Expounding

Days of our lives. I've been digesting something a friend and fellow blogger wrote about recently. They wrote the days of their life passing by and no one seemed to notice. I feel this way myself. More often than not. But for some reason I keep thinking about the Soap Opera titled "The Days of Our Lives." As I think about this I realize the human condition is way more universal than we understand or perhaps like to admit. We want to think the pain, torment, turmoil or what-ever is unique unto us...but it's not. Billions of people have come before us. They have lived, died, loved, lost, hurt, been hurt, felt alone, lonely, listless and on and on and on. Look at the songs that are sung, that we listen to. Why do they resonate so clearly with us? Are these song writers also mind readers? No they have gone through the same shit, fell flat on their face in the same way and drawn the same short straw we have at one time or another.

Does this realization (revelation) make us (me) feel any better? Worse? Less special? More integrated? No. What it does make me think is that there is always a kinder. gentler way of handling a situation. While I want to believe that I always choose that option, I am going to strive to be more conscious of it.

So the days of our lives are passing by. Not many of them are all that special or memorable. I submit that we need to make an effort to add something special to others days whenever we can. If we do it enough, maybe what goes around what will come back around.

where I've been

They say you can get anything you want. If your wallet is fat enough you can, at the very least rent happiness. However that is bullshit. You can indulge yourself in anything you can think of and in my case many things I'd never be able to imagine.

Las Vegas invented Faux...it is the epitome of falseness. The lights the music the crazy low prices of some things to get you to indulge in the others. I've never been terribly tempted by that stuff. There is a cool computerized fountain system that does an awesome show after dark with multicolored lights. The shows are pretty great too.

Where "Sin City" fell grotesquely short was getting her off my mind for one moment. Perhaps if I'd actually wanted it to work it might have. I was in a place designed and built from the ground up for fun. Hundreds and hundreds of acres of it. Yet all I could think of was, "What is she doing tonight and with whom?"

Back from the land of make believe. Back to work tomorrow. Back to hoping. Back.

things i miss

Someone to talk with.

Noise in the house made by someone else.

Kissing.

Having dinner with someone special.

Looking forward to something fun.

Love.

Being truly happy.

Cuddling up at night.

Waking up and feeling like i slept.

Sex.

Personal phone calls.

Friends that contact me with something to do.

A day without tears.

Plans.

Teasing and being teased.

Hugs.

Feeling as though there is meaning in this life.

Her.

Having things work out my way now and then.

Holding hands.

Telling someone special, "I love you."

NH

The New Hampshire trip is over. I'm very glad to be back home. Over the last 2 years it's become more difficult for me to be away. I don't like it. Weird.

On the flip side I had been working too hard and too long this year without a vacation. It literally took me from Saturday till Thursday before I felt relaxed. I could finally feel the anxiety leave me. What an amazingly good feeling to be free of that. I'm gonna work hard to prevent it from coming back to that extent again. Not sure how but that's my plan anyway.

The weather wasn't the greatest. Even the days we did hike were hazy and foggy. The pictures below aren't too bad. Another year we will hope for clearer sky.

NH Pictures

weather

socked in with crummy weather. read two books yesterday. today will be just as bad. no more hiking this year. but we had two great hikes anyway and I was able to release my echo. looking forward to getting home. looking forward to what time will bring. praying for good things to begin to unfold.

change

Plans change...things happen. I try not to be amazed by the myriad of bizarre events that continue to plague my existence.

I keep thinking...after a while God even gave Job a break. I mean is this fun for you. How much stress can Gern take. Let's see if we can break him. May I have one visit with mom when she isn't in distress?

Maybe I'm a bad person. Perhaps too self centered. It's not about me. I'm just a part of the whole and right now wishing I was not. I just want to be on the top of a mountain where no one can find me. No one knows I exist and where the silence is so deep you can taste it. The view is so breath taking you feel like you can fly.

Yet I'm here in Vermont in my sister's living room again. Over 4 hours away from the White mountains of New Hampshire and trying to figure out why my mom thinks her collar bone that she broke 2 days ago is healed already. She's so confused. Maybe its the pain medicine. Maybe she's just slipping further and further away from us. I feel like I should tie a mental rope around her to keep her here. How do you do that?

My friend had to rush off to KY to do a funeral which was a Godsend because he is driving me crazy after only 3 days. I keep praying for a normal life. For someone to enjoy a vacation with. It's too weird to spend this much time with another guy. He's my best friend in the whole world...yet I need smaller doses.

I'm sorry buddy. I love you but we need to plan smaller more frequent visits. And I need a change. But not this change...one that doesn't involve the hospital or any medical procedure at all. Is this too much to ask?

close

I will be as close to God as one can get physically this coming week. (on the East Coast anyway) That is if you think of Heaven as being up which I do. So I'm a simpleton.

Mount Washington in the White Mountains of New Hampshire is the highest point on this side of the country. On a clear day you can see the ocean if you look east from the top.

I miss the mountains sometimes. But while I'm gone...I miss here. As I write this I haven't even left yet but I have such a pang over someone I will miss while being so far away. I will call out to her across the mountain tops of New Hampshire leaving an echo traveling through time and space. One day it's essence may reach her.

One day I will hold her in my arms and it will be ok to do so. One day...one day...one day

Fading

We are loosing her. She seems to continually take two steps forward and three steps back. Which makes it all so deceiving. Poor Dad with two extremely sick women to care for, I don't know how he does it. But it is taking a toll on him...sapping slightly more energy each day than he gets back that night. I hear it in his voice. I see it in his face and he knows it.

The self preservation instinct does not kick in for him. He allows the stress and strain of it all to devour his life force sacrificially. I one day hope to be half the man he is. Three years ago I ran away from my family. I ran here to save myself. To become a whole person again. How selfish is that? How self serving? They need my help...but what can I do from here. How simply convenient for me.

I don't know how any single person could ever live there. So little to do. So hard to make a living. Single income households all but extinct. After a while even the beauty of the mountains, valleys, trees, dirt roads and covered bridges becomes meaningless when you don't know where you'll get the money to pay the oil company for heat. The beauty of it all is wonderful and valuable, but you can't burn it in the fireplace or eat it. So you trade it for bill boards and Mercury Blvd and summers so oppressively hot that one can't survive without air conditioning.

And through all this there is the thoughts of those left behind. With home values plummeting. Businesses, churches, schools, Dr's offices and even two wings of the hospital closed down. It's like I got out in time and those left behind are out of luck. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I also selfishly wish my sister was here. I miss her so much. She seems to be the only one that really knows me...the only one willing to accept me for all my faults and love me anyway. And believe me that's no small thing because I have lots.

Yet I was drawn here. There is a purpose for my move. There is a plan (not my own) that I be here. She brightens my life. She makes me feel alive, whole, purposeful. I would hold her one day. I would welcome a chance to be there. We would make everything brand new.

I'm way off topic here...I should erase it but...

F'n U-haul Day

Thursday is U-haul day. The U-haul is reserved and if I have to load it myself...so be it.

I hate being this way. Why does it have to come to this? We had an understanding, an agreement.

I've been more than fair...more than patient...

Everyone has their limit. Everyone has a finite capacity for generosity.

The limits reached, the line is crossed, time is up.

Thursday is moving day!

NBN

Nothing but net.

Some days it seems like I can't miss. Today would not have been one of those days. :)
On those days I think that the NBA really missed out. But in truth as much as I like basketball and enjoy to play or just shoot hoops...when I was on the team in HS I got tired of it every day. Day after day. I guess too much of anything is too much. I can be profound eh.

But I love my little elementary school where I play, it's never crowded and if other guys do show up to play they usually are about my speed so I don't feel like a grandpa. The other thing I like about it is there is almost always one of 2 or 3 men, (younger fathers) with their sons there. I love the look of joy on their little faces, their dads spending time with them...nothing in the world is more important for them than that very moment. We can learn a lot from children. Children gravitate towards happiness. They let their day play out in a happy way and fabricate things to be happy about if they don't naturally occur.

Yes my little Saturday morning ritual is pretty darn important to me. I didn't shoot very well today but I saw joy and it was beautiful. Really beautiful.

Vermont

So good to be back home. The trip was fine but there is an underlying issue that taints everything in my life right now. It's my own fault I guess because I let it. In some ways I feel as though I deserve it.

Foolish thoughts. I talked with my sister a lot. Trying to get a woman's perspective. Trying to figure things out. Trying to rid myself of this issue. I've never felt this way before. It eats at you. Makes you want to do something when nothing can be done. What would I do. Shake my fist, foam at the mouth, act irrationally?

Someday happiness will come. Someday I will wrap my arms around and never...ever let go.


VT Pictures

Home

When I was in the Navy I always thought of Vermont as home. Even after the service wherever I lived seemed temporary. Seemed like a stepping stone to returning home to Vermont. Maybe it's true that you can never go "home" again. Maybe Home is not so much a place as an ideal.

I did return to Vermont and try to make it home again. The longer I stayed the less I believed it to be home. Through countless events, circumstances and intentional life changes I've returned home to Virginia nearly three years now. These three years haven't been the easiest, or the happiest. Yet I am stronger, standing on more solid ground and looking forward to something wonderful in my life...I need to believe in this something wonderful.

Some say home is where you hang your hat. I am not one of these folks. These wondering people. I believe home is where your heart is. Home is where your love is freely given and warmly received. My home is in Newport News, Virginia and as I sit here in Vermont in my sisters living room, as much as I love her and all my family...I long to get back Home.

4-ever

If love never lasts forever...

some days are so much harder than others. Why is that I wonder. It's hard to wrap my head around what it's all for anymore. Everything seems so pointless. Eating, sleeping (little), drinking (heavily), working and studying. And repeat...f'n pointless.


Give me things that won't get lost...

What doesn't get lost anymore. Everything is disposable, contacts, water filters, cars, relationships. It's all temporary, of course life is temporary but when there doesn't seem to be anything to hold on to. Nothing to roll home for.

You only want the things you can't get...

Desperado...I am the quintessential desperado. Or maybe not, because I'm not even out riding fences. Tears don't even come anymore. I try to let them out. I'm in my wide open prison.


Some days are just too hard. Today I need a friend. I need a friend today.

cornered

Not sure why but I have the last 6 to 9 months anyway, felt like I had the market cornered on sadness. I thought at least I'm best at something. Today as I pulled into the church parking lot (10 minutes late) I notice someone bent almost half over. After parking and walking toward the door I recognize a man I admire very much. He's a mans man. As far as I ever thought he has everything I lack and then some. Always seems happy, smiling, glad to see you and the slightest hint of male cockiness.

Today here he is openly weeping into a tissue. I mean completely, uncontrollably, letting it all out. Now I've done this, more times than I'd like to admit and I didn't have the good sense to go outside. I thought to myself if our roles were reversed. Would I want him to walk by and pretend he didn't see me, or come over hug me and say, "I love you?" In truth as embarrassing as it would be I choose the latter. Yet what I did was the former. Why did I do that? Am I gutless? Uncaring? Maybe I don't have enough strength left to share any out.

Please know my friend...I do love you. This world is too cold and this life is too short to let someone you know and care about suffer alone.

God give me the strength to never let this opportunity pass again.

Giving back

Two mini stories slightly related. It's on my mind and this will be a record of it.

One evening after spending time with the girlfriend at the time, I was still in high school for reference...my car broke down on the way home. It was about 10 miles to our house. I walked back to her place and knocked like crazy but she would not wake up. I could even see her through the window. Asleep. So I began the long trek home. It was dead of winter and snowing and after midnight. There were virtually no cars going by but I started putting my thumb out hoping. Someone did stop and gave me a ride all the way into town. This left me only a mile or so to walk. I was grateful.

A couple of weeks later driving that same road I saw someone trying to hitch a ride and felt that I owed the favor back. This turned out to be so scary. The guy wanted to smoke pot in my car and was overall a rough character. I was relieved when he got out.

When I moved back here I had almost no plan what-so-ever. But I knew my friend mj would rent me a room and I could establish myself from there and she did. It made things so much easier and I was grateful. Although I was sorta squeezed out by her mother and brother it was still a life saver for a few months.

At the end of last year I had the opportunity to return this favor back to the general cosmos. However once again the favor came with ramifications that were unexpected and painful if not scary. I firmly believe this has caused a loss in my life which I will regret for the rest of time and while this situation is almost resolved...yes still not quite damn it. I'm not completely certain I can recover what I've lost.

So no good deed goes unpunished and hope must prevail.

faith

Preacherman hasn't inspired me in a while. Today was good. Inspired may be the wrong word. Spoke to me is the idea. The sermon spoke to me today. I think a good sermon should speak to you. It might not speak the same thing to each individual but it should have some relevance in your life.

So I didn't ask anyone else, "Was it good for you?" but I should have.

He has described faith in this way before, (The assurance of things hoped for the belief in things not seen) But he took it a good bit further today. Talking about the relationship between faith and risk. The greater the risk the greater the faith. I have taken some risks lately based upon things hoped for and these things have mostly not worked out. But here's the thing, I refuse to loose faith of that yet not seen. Because I know it exists. I have not seen it and it is not yet appropriate but I have faith and feel led keep this faith.

The risk is enormous. The faith is enormous. The potential reward is enormous. I will continue to hold the faith, keep focused on that not seen. Love will win one day. Love must always win.

How

How many times can the heart be broken before it will fail to mend?

How many hurtful words must be spoken before love comes to an end?

How many times can you watch her walk away before hope looses hold?

How many glances nonchalant equal a hello?

How many genuine smiles add up to a kiss?

How many offhanded comments to generate a hint?

How many hints are required for one to make a move?

How many moves will fail before the chances improve?

How many times must the wheel squeak before it gets the grease?

How much grease will be applied before the wheel gets replaced?

How many times can you look in her eyes without falling?

And I ask you...How far can you fall without breaking your heart?

conventional

More specifically unconventional. I imagine most people are hardest on themselves. It's difficult to look back over ones life when there isn't much you're proud of. I'm not totally down on myself but as for a mark on the world I'll be lucky to leave the slightest blemish. At 44 y/o I'm single, alone most of the time, have no children, formal education and not much of a purpose.

I feel like it's akin to the old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, did it make a sound?" "If you go through your life and no one remembers you, did you exist?" Now don't worry I'm not falling deeper into depression. Just pondering.

I've done so many things in an unconventional manner. I know I'm not absolutely unique in this...but I don't know many who have trod the same path. Out of high school I joined the Navy. Enlisted. I wasn't the top of my HS class, I think 4th maybe. Don't hold me to it. After the Navy I married my ex, one of only 3 women I dated the entire 6 years of Naval experience. Long six years! Our marriage wasn't terrible but it was unspokenly decided that we just weren't ready for children. After 12 years we weren't married anymore either.

I always felt like I'd get a "real" education. But I always landed such good jobs and I suppose I was just lazy. I've moved far away from any family and yet I seem to be healthier here. My sister and I have always been close but we are so much closer now. These last few months have been quite troubled for me. Without the countless conversations I'm not sure I could have made it through. Perhaps I'm not yet through.

I always thought there was some magic formula for how to live your life that I didn't know about. Or perhaps I was sick that day. Seemed as though everyone else knew what to do. I mostly stand around in abject awe and wonder, staring trying to figure it out. Something I find increasingly difficult is decisions. Stupid stuff like furniture. Which is why I have virtually none. Should I paint the wall this color or that? So it doesn't get painted. I know this sounds ridiculously stupid and it is. But how much more enjoyable it is to make such decisions with a second opinion!

So I'm plodding through life minimally. Cooking what I like to eat. Doing what I like to do. Choosing in virtually all things what I want. It feels so selfish. The desire to share is ever present. This too is likely selfish since it would be unloading some of the burden of decisions. Unloading sounds pretty wonderful. Maybe the crux of this whole issue is my propensity to continuously look back at what I haven't done or what I feel I've done wrong instead of trying to get it right from here. This is where I probably need help. At least I have made one decision. Working towards this education thing. Maybe I'll buy an easy boy or something. Start small...wonder what color..........

Biding

Biding my time. Waiting for something to work out. I know it will. It has to work out, I've sulked, cried, morned and allowed myself to slip into such a dark and awful place that faith had left me. Some strength came to me this week. I've finally resolved a living arrangement problem that has plagued me for months and now I know things will work out my way and how I desire.

I know this because I can feel it in my heart and in my soul. It's a wonderful feeling saying, wait...be patient a bit longer. Right around the corner is something you've prayed about for many months now. Coming your way is the answer to these prayers.

I do believe this. I must believe this. I am going to will it into being. And I am going to be grateful to the cosmos for this resolution. The feeling of relief is pure and the joy is returning to life.

I'm thankful, patient, hopeful and grateful

within

shine on.
never concede
follow your heart
love sets you free

love with your all
give without reserve
never give up
don't loose your nerve

the rarity of a mutuality
beyond all known
should not be let go
will not let you down

face the truth of your fear
test resolve
keep love near

hidden emotions
build on their own
no outlet
insist to be known

One day will come to light
all that is and has been
no more hiding or avoiding
Love - Love within

smarter than

I'm not smarter than my calculator. Which probably makes no sense. We had to by this ridiculous calculator for Calculus. It's got more buttons on it than the control panel at Kennedy Space Center NASA. I seriously need to figure out how to make it work for a test Tuesday. Totally dreading sitting down with this thing.

The biggest problem. It's sunny out today. I don't even want to do this.

Heavy

Mistakes weigh heavy
pieces continue to break away and wither
losses add up against insignificant wins
regrets and remorse burden
the weight of the cross leaves impressions
imprints of the hard wood grain don't completely fade

Lightness and beauty recede
left with ugliness, money and greed
pushing away and leaving the fold
no place for the loner
no longer belong, fit in, enjoy

Sleep rarely stays long
angst and bitterness reside
unwanted guests accentuate loneliness
days become weeks and months

Smiles are rare and hurt...fake
not bothering to pretend...slipping
flooded and drowning the black dog draws down
teeth embedded - skin compromised
fighting free no option

if you loved me like that

Beginners


The above is a long story, but I've never read a more perfect description of LOVE...

The start is a bit difficult because of all the dialog. Persevere because if you don't cry at the demonstration of love this man has for his wife then you're dead inside. I have read this a number of times lately mainly to make sure I'm not dead inside.

If someone loved me like this I'd live every moment like it was our last together...I'd be their knight in resplendent armour...I'd stop the world.

doubt

Calculus and Linear geometry...whatever that is. I had somehow gotten it into my head that I need to complete a degree in mechanical engineering. Shouldn't take much more than oh ten years or so. I took the math placement a second time since I was initially placed in "introduction to math" which sounds kinda like the 4th grade and I was a bit too proud for that.

So now I find myself in this class furiously taking notes and almost completely unable to keep the verse out of my head. I'm wondering what is wrong with my brain. It is desperately trying to write poetry during math class. I am unable to remember any of it after the class is over. It's such a drain, life leaching this math that no one should be subjected to. I design mechanical systems all the time. The few times I could have used calculus to determine something I was able to come close with geometry and a couple extra steps.

But here's the thing...what would I do? Where would I be if my job evaporated? I wouldn't be able to sell this house fast enough. So is a ten year plan good enough? Was turning down a promotion to VP of Operations and a 6 figure salary a good idea? Was it selfish? Or does it matter? No one counts on me for anything. I answer to no one and have no one.

So what is this push for? What's the point? I'm beginning to feel like I did the last few years I lived in Vermont. I have to do something. Even if it's fucking wrong. I just have to do something. Nothing is not acceptable. Maybe someday I'll share the fruits of these labors with someone who'll look at me and never...ever look back. If not at least I can help the Nieces and Nephews through college.

to do or not to do

Is life what you make it or do you make what you can of life? I spent the evening with my ex and her boyfriend who is a really nice guy. We road around through Hampton, Poquoson, Grafton and Newport News. Then we had dinner. Sondra is one of the Happiest persons I have ever known. She really doesn't let much get her down and she attracts happy people to herself. She has life wisdom. She has that which I do not. Perhaps that is how we stayed married for so long. I am grateful that her life is happy.

As I think about what seems wrong lately, the little things in life are missing. Little joys. Friendships are less. I don't hear from or stay in touch with anyone. I'm not building new memories to cherish. I'm not living...just existing. I recently received a big raise and offer of promotion. And I'm scared to death. I feel like I'm loosing myself. More work is less me.

I have lots of time off with no plans for vacation. How do you take vacation by yourself? I used to just go to Vermont. I don't want that anymore. I need new experiences. That's what I need. Something really new. I need to get the hell out of here.

seek

Far off lone and gray
distance a powerful enemy
proximity
routes and runs - errant paths
by and way

Forging - moving - progress not
desire, longing, hope through action
thrust toward closeness. physical
groping, clinging, clambering

Want and lust - animal need
heat not realized
through the void between
passion lurking - ebbing
sigh

The night passing
.slowly
..slowly
...slowly
....by

Long

too long for you
I long for you
to breathe your breath
accept your gaze
to you all my days

I would read the pores
of your precious face
and taste your lips
oh taste - O taste

to smell your neck
hold you near
know your curves
catch your tear

Long - I long for you
Long - Long I Long
I Long - Long for you
molasses
time speeds past
ever reaching
pushing
last

This is water

Kenyon Commencement

The above is a somewhat long read...maybe 10 minutes. But I read slow. I found it to be profoundly True and I know one of my many failings.

I tend to blunder through life wondering when it's going to treat me kindly. Believing that I am essentially a good person and deserve something. I wasn't always like this. At least I don't think I was always this bad. Yet perhaps that is another example of my limited and self centered thinking. It's so hard to exorcise myself from the equation. I can see the very faint light off in a great distance and I realize that the ability to do this should lead to a significant lessening of loneliness and an increase in happiness.

Where does one find the strength? You can't simply run around screaming: This is water! This is water! This is water!

Grace

And who am I that for my sake my Lord should take frail flesh and die?

Two amazing things in barely a week. I have been feeling overwhelmingly sorry for myself lately. I don't seem to grow in wisdom as I grow in age.

I visited a friend last week. A friend I hadn't seen in almost a year. For no good reason except being busy and allowing time to go by. I had on my mind catching up with my dear friend as well as selfishly dumping my shit on her. Mainly because she is so wise and helpful. Something she mentioned in the first few minutes of my visit led to her disclosure of an awful ordeal she had endured recently. The stress of which I'm not sure I could have managed. I was looking down and shaking my head doing my best to keep the tears from welling up over the eyelids. How can anyone deny responsibility to their children.
Looking up there were tears running down her face. My tears joined immediately. We sat together and wept and held hands living into each others vulnerability. I don't even know how to thank God for a friend such as this. She also heard my sadness and held me as I cried again.

Who has a friend like that? Anyone? Speak up because I know I'm blessed.

Number two. One is really enough but this is icing. I learned this week that a woman I dated for over a year during 2003 and 2004 got engaged this week. She is a beautiful soul. Someone I think of often. We had to part because of her severe M.S. We were living together and in love. I became more and more afraid that she would fall and hurt herself. She fell so often. Insisted on going up and down the stairs. Doing more than she should. Back then I couldn't even afford my own car no less the care she needed. We split for her benefit. She never forgave me. I have prayed for her ever since. Some wonderful man has fallen in love with her and is in a place in his life where he can take care of her.

God is Good. God is Perfect. God is Love

note

When I was a young boy, perhaps 7 or 8 I recall an incident with my Dad. I don't recall the details so much as the outcome. I had done something bad. I did so many bad things back then. Take your pick. I've absolutely no idea which it was. But the point is what happened. Oh and I'm pretty sure I lied about it, whatever it was also.

When Dad found out I figured I was in for a spanking. Yet what I got was, "Gern, I'm very disappointed in you." That's it. I was off scott free for about an hour. Until the gravity of it all settled in. Gravity sometimes settles slowly. Later in my room I thought about the man I admired more than any other. Still do. Honestly, Dad has 3 engineering degrees. He IS the smartest man I've ever known. He's also humble and to my knowledge not missed a Sunday of church in the 44 years I've been around.

So this man so important to me was so done with me I wasn't even worth punishing. Not worthy of a smack or slap or anything. I cried the most bitter tears I've ever cried in my life, and I have spent no small portion of my time since then endeavoring not to disappoint him. Not too long after the incident he held me and told me he loved me. I thought I might never stop crying. The weight lifted from me at that moment...incalculably heavy.

I have disappointed others in my life I'm sure. We always hurt the ones we love. I hope that I have healed most of these hurts.

There is someone whom I have disappointed and/or hurt. It's nearly the gravity of my preceding story. The depth of my transgression is such that they no longer care enough to hit back. They have taken their leave of me. I have cried over and over, prayed, pestered my poor sister and several of my friends to death over this. No one has any useful advise. What do you tell someone who is morning the death of a friendship? I wouldn't know, nor does anyone else.

I have this idea that I will, upon seeing this friend next have something both humble and eloquent to say. Several times while talking with my sister, she has said, "That's beautiful. Have you told her that? I wish someone cherished me that way." Trouble is I never have a pencil or paper at these moments and no matter what, by the time I do. It's gone. I know how I feel in my heart. But I can't seem to consciously hold on to it.

So I carry a piece of paper in my back right pocket. It has two very brief statements on it. I won't go anywhere without it. Should I run into this friend at the very least I can offer this.

I will hold the Christ Light for you in the night-time of your fear. I will hold my hand out to you speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping. When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow till we've seen this journey through.

Come to my window

By Melissa Etheridge


I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Just to reach you

Keeping my eyes open
I cannot afford to sleep
Giving away promises
I know that I can't keep
Nothing fills the blackness
That has seeped into my chest
I need you in my blood
I am forsaking all the rest

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Oh to reach you

Low

How low can you go?

Pretty low actually. I do this to myself. Over and over and I don't learn from my mistakes. Whenever something happens that seems insurmountable...awful, irreconcilable I react in the most idiotic ways. Withdrawing away from all that is important to me. Recoiling from my mainstays in life. Securing the downward spiral.

Even as it is happening, the internal struggle to do what is best vs what will hurt the least begins. The trouble is that what will hurt the least at the moment takes away things that can never be gotten back.

I have this list of "things" at work. One the the items on the list says; "For every minute you are angry you loose 60 seconds of happiness you can never get back." I think that applies to more than anger. Think about the experiences lost by denying oneself that which is most important. All those lost seconds...spending time with those you love, laughter, smiles, fellowship, spiritual renewal, prayer.

One must not allow ego to deny life. As I come back I seem to understand, value, appreciate. Maybe this post will help me remember.

One can only hope...eh

I

like my soap in a bar...not a bottle

my book in my hand...not on a screen

my music on a cd...not an mp3

my beer in a bottle...not a can

prefer 2 wheels...over 4

rather have one special friend...than one hundred acquaintances

prefer to talk...than text

rather see you...than im you

prefer free weights...to chains, pulleys and levers

rather bourbon...over scotch

enjoy some local blues and a beer...than fight the crowds at a "happening" bar

see the truth deep in the eyes of love...than anything else

be content with who I am...than succumb to popularity

wait for what is right...vs what is available

Joy

Completely cloudless deep blue sky. Somewhere between 70 and 80 degrees. I can recall moments on a day like that where everything melts away. No care, hope, expectation, dream, desire...nothing exists but me and the heat of the sun.

I think that is what God's love must be like. The washing over of pure joy. Those moments are too few and far between. You can't always re-create them. You must be open to them and allow them to occur. Savoring every drop of liquid happiness that you can.

Last night produced one such moment for me. I was open to sharing a nice time with two wonderful people...what I received was a gift beyond measure. Something you can't merely say "thank you" for. Sharing time with someone dear to us is what life is all about.

Random chaos or predestination. Two opposite ends of the cosmic spectrum. I choose to hope the reality is somewhere between. It is so human and failing to continuously ask, "why?". Did you plan this for "us" God? Are you testing us? Or is this as random as spinning a coin and waiting to see which side faces up?

I can not conceive of the possibility of feeling confident about an answer for any of the above questions. What I do know is that last night...was "sunshine" quality joy. Experienced while in the presence of one of God's creatures. Whom I deeply care about and yes even love.

If this isn't what life is about...then please leave me blissfully ignorant.