This is water

Kenyon Commencement

The above is a somewhat long read...maybe 10 minutes. But I read slow. I found it to be profoundly True and I know one of my many failings.

I tend to blunder through life wondering when it's going to treat me kindly. Believing that I am essentially a good person and deserve something. I wasn't always like this. At least I don't think I was always this bad. Yet perhaps that is another example of my limited and self centered thinking. It's so hard to exorcise myself from the equation. I can see the very faint light off in a great distance and I realize that the ability to do this should lead to a significant lessening of loneliness and an increase in happiness.

Where does one find the strength? You can't simply run around screaming: This is water! This is water! This is water!

Grace

And who am I that for my sake my Lord should take frail flesh and die?

Two amazing things in barely a week. I have been feeling overwhelmingly sorry for myself lately. I don't seem to grow in wisdom as I grow in age.

I visited a friend last week. A friend I hadn't seen in almost a year. For no good reason except being busy and allowing time to go by. I had on my mind catching up with my dear friend as well as selfishly dumping my shit on her. Mainly because she is so wise and helpful. Something she mentioned in the first few minutes of my visit led to her disclosure of an awful ordeal she had endured recently. The stress of which I'm not sure I could have managed. I was looking down and shaking my head doing my best to keep the tears from welling up over the eyelids. How can anyone deny responsibility to their children.
Looking up there were tears running down her face. My tears joined immediately. We sat together and wept and held hands living into each others vulnerability. I don't even know how to thank God for a friend such as this. She also heard my sadness and held me as I cried again.

Who has a friend like that? Anyone? Speak up because I know I'm blessed.

Number two. One is really enough but this is icing. I learned this week that a woman I dated for over a year during 2003 and 2004 got engaged this week. She is a beautiful soul. Someone I think of often. We had to part because of her severe M.S. We were living together and in love. I became more and more afraid that she would fall and hurt herself. She fell so often. Insisted on going up and down the stairs. Doing more than she should. Back then I couldn't even afford my own car no less the care she needed. We split for her benefit. She never forgave me. I have prayed for her ever since. Some wonderful man has fallen in love with her and is in a place in his life where he can take care of her.

God is Good. God is Perfect. God is Love

note

When I was a young boy, perhaps 7 or 8 I recall an incident with my Dad. I don't recall the details so much as the outcome. I had done something bad. I did so many bad things back then. Take your pick. I've absolutely no idea which it was. But the point is what happened. Oh and I'm pretty sure I lied about it, whatever it was also.

When Dad found out I figured I was in for a spanking. Yet what I got was, "Gern, I'm very disappointed in you." That's it. I was off scott free for about an hour. Until the gravity of it all settled in. Gravity sometimes settles slowly. Later in my room I thought about the man I admired more than any other. Still do. Honestly, Dad has 3 engineering degrees. He IS the smartest man I've ever known. He's also humble and to my knowledge not missed a Sunday of church in the 44 years I've been around.

So this man so important to me was so done with me I wasn't even worth punishing. Not worthy of a smack or slap or anything. I cried the most bitter tears I've ever cried in my life, and I have spent no small portion of my time since then endeavoring not to disappoint him. Not too long after the incident he held me and told me he loved me. I thought I might never stop crying. The weight lifted from me at that moment...incalculably heavy.

I have disappointed others in my life I'm sure. We always hurt the ones we love. I hope that I have healed most of these hurts.

There is someone whom I have disappointed and/or hurt. It's nearly the gravity of my preceding story. The depth of my transgression is such that they no longer care enough to hit back. They have taken their leave of me. I have cried over and over, prayed, pestered my poor sister and several of my friends to death over this. No one has any useful advise. What do you tell someone who is morning the death of a friendship? I wouldn't know, nor does anyone else.

I have this idea that I will, upon seeing this friend next have something both humble and eloquent to say. Several times while talking with my sister, she has said, "That's beautiful. Have you told her that? I wish someone cherished me that way." Trouble is I never have a pencil or paper at these moments and no matter what, by the time I do. It's gone. I know how I feel in my heart. But I can't seem to consciously hold on to it.

So I carry a piece of paper in my back right pocket. It has two very brief statements on it. I won't go anywhere without it. Should I run into this friend at the very least I can offer this.

I will hold the Christ Light for you in the night-time of your fear. I will hold my hand out to you speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping. When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow till we've seen this journey through.

Come to my window

By Melissa Etheridge


I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Just to reach you

Keeping my eyes open
I cannot afford to sleep
Giving away promises
I know that I can't keep
Nothing fills the blackness
That has seeped into my chest
I need you in my blood
I am forsaking all the rest

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Oh to reach you