doubt

Calculus and Linear geometry...whatever that is. I had somehow gotten it into my head that I need to complete a degree in mechanical engineering. Shouldn't take much more than oh ten years or so. I took the math placement a second time since I was initially placed in "introduction to math" which sounds kinda like the 4th grade and I was a bit too proud for that.

So now I find myself in this class furiously taking notes and almost completely unable to keep the verse out of my head. I'm wondering what is wrong with my brain. It is desperately trying to write poetry during math class. I am unable to remember any of it after the class is over. It's such a drain, life leaching this math that no one should be subjected to. I design mechanical systems all the time. The few times I could have used calculus to determine something I was able to come close with geometry and a couple extra steps.

But here's the thing...what would I do? Where would I be if my job evaporated? I wouldn't be able to sell this house fast enough. So is a ten year plan good enough? Was turning down a promotion to VP of Operations and a 6 figure salary a good idea? Was it selfish? Or does it matter? No one counts on me for anything. I answer to no one and have no one.

So what is this push for? What's the point? I'm beginning to feel like I did the last few years I lived in Vermont. I have to do something. Even if it's fucking wrong. I just have to do something. Nothing is not acceptable. Maybe someday I'll share the fruits of these labors with someone who'll look at me and never...ever look back. If not at least I can help the Nieces and Nephews through college.