More specifically unconventional. I imagine most people are hardest on themselves. It's difficult to look back over ones life when there isn't much you're proud of. I'm not totally down on myself but as for a mark on the world I'll be lucky to leave the slightest blemish. At 44 y/o I'm single, alone most of the time, have no children, formal education and not much of a purpose.
I feel like it's akin to the old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, did it make a sound?" "If you go through your life and no one remembers you, did you exist?" Now don't worry I'm not falling deeper into depression. Just pondering.
I've done so many things in an unconventional manner. I know I'm not absolutely unique in this...but I don't know many who have trod the same path. Out of high school I joined the Navy. Enlisted. I wasn't the top of my HS class, I think 4th maybe. Don't hold me to it. After the Navy I married my ex, one of only 3 women I dated the entire 6 years of Naval experience. Long six years! Our marriage wasn't terrible but it was unspokenly decided that we just weren't ready for children. After 12 years we weren't married anymore either.
I always felt like I'd get a "real" education. But I always landed such good jobs and I suppose I was just lazy. I've moved far away from any family and yet I seem to be healthier here. My sister and I have always been close but we are so much closer now. These last few months have been quite troubled for me. Without the countless conversations I'm not sure I could have made it through. Perhaps I'm not yet through.
I always thought there was some magic formula for how to live your life that I didn't know about. Or perhaps I was sick that day. Seemed as though everyone else knew what to do. I mostly stand around in abject awe and wonder, staring trying to figure it out. Something I find increasingly difficult is decisions. Stupid stuff like furniture. Which is why I have virtually none. Should I paint the wall this color or that? So it doesn't get painted. I know this sounds ridiculously stupid and it is. But how much more enjoyable it is to make such decisions with a second opinion!
So I'm plodding through life minimally. Cooking what I like to eat. Doing what I like to do. Choosing in virtually all things what I want. It feels so selfish. The desire to share is ever present. This too is likely selfish since it would be unloading some of the burden of decisions. Unloading sounds pretty wonderful. Maybe the crux of this whole issue is my propensity to continuously look back at what I haven't done or what I feel I've done wrong instead of trying to get it right from here. This is where I probably need help. At least I have made one decision. Working towards this education thing. Maybe I'll buy an easy boy or something. Start small...wonder what color..........
