Thursday is U-haul day. The U-haul is reserved and if I have to load it myself...so be it.
I hate being this way. Why does it have to come to this? We had an understanding, an agreement.
I've been more than fair...more than patient...
Everyone has their limit. Everyone has a finite capacity for generosity.
The limits reached, the line is crossed, time is up.
Thursday is moving day!
Nothing but net.
Some days it seems like I can't miss. Today would not have been one of those days. :)
On those days I think that the NBA really missed out. But in truth as much as I like basketball and enjoy to play or just shoot hoops...when I was on the team in HS I got tired of it every day. Day after day. I guess too much of anything is too much. I can be profound eh.
But I love my little elementary school where I play, it's never crowded and if other guys do show up to play they usually are about my speed so I don't feel like a grandpa. The other thing I like about it is there is almost always one of 2 or 3 men, (younger fathers) with their sons there. I love the look of joy on their little faces, their dads spending time with them...nothing in the world is more important for them than that very moment. We can learn a lot from children. Children gravitate towards happiness. They let their day play out in a happy way and fabricate things to be happy about if they don't naturally occur.
Yes my little Saturday morning ritual is pretty darn important to me. I didn't shoot very well today but I saw joy and it was beautiful. Really beautiful.
So good to be back home. The trip was fine but there is an underlying issue that taints everything in my life right now. It's my own fault I guess because I let it. In some ways I feel as though I deserve it.
Foolish thoughts. I talked with my sister a lot. Trying to get a woman's perspective. Trying to figure things out. Trying to rid myself of this issue. I've never felt this way before. It eats at you. Makes you want to do something when nothing can be done. What would I do. Shake my fist, foam at the mouth, act irrationally?
Someday happiness will come. Someday I will wrap my arms around and never...ever let go.
VT Pictures
When I was in the Navy I always thought of Vermont as home. Even after the service wherever I lived seemed temporary. Seemed like a stepping stone to returning home to Vermont. Maybe it's true that you can never go "home" again. Maybe Home is not so much a place as an ideal.
I did return to Vermont and try to make it home again. The longer I stayed the less I believed it to be home. Through countless events, circumstances and intentional life changes I've returned home to Virginia nearly three years now. These three years haven't been the easiest, or the happiest. Yet I am stronger, standing on more solid ground and looking forward to something wonderful in my life...I need to believe in this something wonderful.
Some say home is where you hang your hat. I am not one of these folks. These wondering people. I believe home is where your heart is. Home is where your love is freely given and warmly received. My home is in Newport News, Virginia and as I sit here in Vermont in my sisters living room, as much as I love her and all my family...I long to get back Home.
If love never lasts forever...
some days are so much harder than others. Why is that I wonder. It's hard to wrap my head around what it's all for anymore. Everything seems so pointless. Eating, sleeping (little), drinking (heavily), working and studying. And repeat...f'n pointless.
Give me things that won't get lost...
What doesn't get lost anymore. Everything is disposable, contacts, water filters, cars, relationships. It's all temporary, of course life is temporary but when there doesn't seem to be anything to hold on to. Nothing to roll home for.
You only want the things you can't get...
Desperado...I am the quintessential desperado. Or maybe not, because I'm not even out riding fences. Tears don't even come anymore. I try to let them out. I'm in my wide open prison.
Some days are just too hard. Today I need a friend. I need a friend today.
Not sure why but I have the last 6 to 9 months anyway, felt like I had the market cornered on sadness. I thought at least I'm best at something. Today as I pulled into the church parking lot (10 minutes late) I notice someone bent almost half over. After parking and walking toward the door I recognize a man I admire very much. He's a mans man. As far as I ever thought he has everything I lack and then some. Always seems happy, smiling, glad to see you and the slightest hint of male cockiness.
Today here he is openly weeping into a tissue. I mean completely, uncontrollably, letting it all out. Now I've done this, more times than I'd like to admit and I didn't have the good sense to go outside. I thought to myself if our roles were reversed. Would I want him to walk by and pretend he didn't see me, or come over hug me and say, "I love you?" In truth as embarrassing as it would be I choose the latter. Yet what I did was the former. Why did I do that? Am I gutless? Uncaring? Maybe I don't have enough strength left to share any out.
Please know my friend...I do love you. This world is too cold and this life is too short to let someone you know and care about suffer alone.
God give me the strength to never let this opportunity pass again.
Two mini stories slightly related. It's on my mind and this will be a record of it.
One evening after spending time with the girlfriend at the time, I was still in high school for reference...my car broke down on the way home. It was about 10 miles to our house. I walked back to her place and knocked like crazy but she would not wake up. I could even see her through the window. Asleep. So I began the long trek home. It was dead of winter and snowing and after midnight. There were virtually no cars going by but I started putting my thumb out hoping. Someone did stop and gave me a ride all the way into town. This left me only a mile or so to walk. I was grateful.
A couple of weeks later driving that same road I saw someone trying to hitch a ride and felt that I owed the favor back. This turned out to be so scary. The guy wanted to smoke pot in my car and was overall a rough character. I was relieved when he got out.
When I moved back here I had almost no plan what-so-ever. But I knew my friend mj would rent me a room and I could establish myself from there and she did. It made things so much easier and I was grateful. Although I was sorta squeezed out by her mother and brother it was still a life saver for a few months.
At the end of last year I had the opportunity to return this favor back to the general cosmos. However once again the favor came with ramifications that were unexpected and painful if not scary. I firmly believe this has caused a loss in my life which I will regret for the rest of time and while this situation is almost resolved...yes still not quite damn it. I'm not completely certain I can recover what I've lost.
So no good deed goes unpunished and hope must prevail.
