stars

There is no light pollution in Southern Vermont. I always forget how many stars you can see at night. So many more than here or other places I have lived. Christmas was good this year back in the other "V" state. So many things are different now. I didn't recognize my brothers kids. Literally didn't know who they were. This stupid misunderstanding has been a travesty. While my brother is still a self centered ass...words directly from the mouth of his 17 y/o son...he is still my brother. I won't let that hurt my relationship with his kids or his wife any longer.

The kids all played together...the adults all drank together and mom was so very happy...

Christmas Pictures

Lots of new things for 2010...and the hope of one more reconciliation. It's going to be a great year.

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Spoke with my brother for the 1st time in over 3 years yesterday. I told him I love him and will always be here for him if he needs me. That did not appear to mean much to him. He has grown into a very selfish and self centered man. I don't really know him anymore. He is no longer the shy little brother that I protected as a youth. He isn't the little guy I would allow to play with the "big" kids to keep him close and keep an eye on him. I was grateful that he seemed to listen and we have exchanged phone numbers to stay in touch.

There is one more broken relationship in my life. Someone I have no tie to except a deep desire to know and be known by her. I do not know how to go about repairing the damage. I have neither the courage or the wisdom to know how to begin. But I kneel in church every Sunday and pray God will help repair this cherished friendship. If there is a God out there somewhere...he/she knows my heart and knows I need help.

I pray that it will not require three years.

There is a phrase, "The burden of this is intolerable". It fits.

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Wandering aimlessly. My only purpose now is school. I have no other focus at all. I think I'm falling into depression. Friends urge me to see a Dr. get some "pills". I won't do it. I will tough my way through it. I will get up each day and go to work. And if that is all my life is...then that is all it is.

I miss her every day. There have been so many others, meaningless wastes of time and energy. I was with one and realized I was lonely. How do you tell someone you're lonely even though they are right there?! Seems pretty cruel and I just can't be cruel like that. So you lie, a little white "save the feelings" lie. What difference...

And I dream about her. Sometimes I wake up remembering that she's gone, and it's a pit...and it's as those old cartoon's that ended with the screen closing in to black from the outside to the center. Which way is up. Melissa Etheridge stays in the player in the truck. Playing over and over. I lack for nothing materially. Yet I'd trade it all for that truest friendship. Someone who checks on you...makes sure you are ok. Someone who knows you and your faults and doesn't bat an eye.

How do you find that? How do you move from here to there? Which way is up?