I'm not smarter than my calculator. Which probably makes no sense. We had to by this ridiculous calculator for Calculus. It's got more buttons on it than the control panel at Kennedy Space Center NASA. I seriously need to figure out how to make it work for a test Tuesday. Totally dreading sitting down with this thing.
The biggest problem. It's sunny out today. I don't even want to do this.
Mistakes weigh heavy
pieces continue to break away and wither
losses add up against insignificant wins
regrets and remorse burden
the weight of the cross leaves impressions
imprints of the hard wood grain don't completely fade
Lightness and beauty recede
left with ugliness, money and greed
pushing away and leaving the fold
no place for the loner
no longer belong, fit in, enjoy
Sleep rarely stays long
angst and bitterness reside
unwanted guests accentuate loneliness
days become weeks and months
Smiles are rare and hurt...fake
not bothering to pretend...slipping
flooded and drowning the black dog draws down
teeth embedded - skin compromised
fighting free no option
Beginners
The above is a long story, but I've never read a more perfect description of LOVE...
The start is a bit difficult because of all the dialog. Persevere because if you don't cry at the demonstration of love this man has for his wife then you're dead inside. I have read this a number of times lately mainly to make sure I'm not dead inside.
If someone loved me like this I'd live every moment like it was our last together...I'd be their knight in resplendent armour...I'd stop the world.
Calculus and Linear geometry...whatever that is. I had somehow gotten it into my head that I need to complete a degree in mechanical engineering. Shouldn't take much more than oh ten years or so. I took the math placement a second time since I was initially placed in "introduction to math" which sounds kinda like the 4th grade and I was a bit too proud for that.
So now I find myself in this class furiously taking notes and almost completely unable to keep the verse out of my head. I'm wondering what is wrong with my brain. It is desperately trying to write poetry during math class. I am unable to remember any of it after the class is over. It's such a drain, life leaching this math that no one should be subjected to. I design mechanical systems all the time. The few times I could have used calculus to determine something I was able to come close with geometry and a couple extra steps.
But here's the thing...what would I do? Where would I be if my job evaporated? I wouldn't be able to sell this house fast enough. So is a ten year plan good enough? Was turning down a promotion to VP of Operations and a 6 figure salary a good idea? Was it selfish? Or does it matter? No one counts on me for anything. I answer to no one and have no one.
So what is this push for? What's the point? I'm beginning to feel like I did the last few years I lived in Vermont. I have to do something. Even if it's fucking wrong. I just have to do something. Nothing is not acceptable. Maybe someday I'll share the fruits of these labors with someone who'll look at me and never...ever look back. If not at least I can help the Nieces and Nephews through college.
Is life what you make it or do you make what you can of life? I spent the evening with my ex and her boyfriend who is a really nice guy. We road around through Hampton, Poquoson, Grafton and Newport News. Then we had dinner. Sondra is one of the Happiest persons I have ever known. She really doesn't let much get her down and she attracts happy people to herself. She has life wisdom. She has that which I do not. Perhaps that is how we stayed married for so long. I am grateful that her life is happy.
As I think about what seems wrong lately, the little things in life are missing. Little joys. Friendships are less. I don't hear from or stay in touch with anyone. I'm not building new memories to cherish. I'm not living...just existing. I recently received a big raise and offer of promotion. And I'm scared to death. I feel like I'm loosing myself. More work is less me.
I have lots of time off with no plans for vacation. How do you take vacation by yourself? I used to just go to Vermont. I don't want that anymore. I need new experiences. That's what I need. Something really new. I need to get the hell out of here.
Far off lone and gray
distance a powerful enemy
proximity
routes and runs - errant paths
by and way
Forging - moving - progress not
desire, longing, hope through action
thrust toward closeness. physical
groping, clinging, clambering
Want and lust - animal need
heat not realized
through the void between
passion lurking - ebbing
sigh
The night passing
.slowly
..slowly
...slowly
....by
too long for you
I long for you
to breathe your breath
accept your gaze
to you all my days
I would read the pores
of your precious face
and taste your lips
oh taste - O taste
to smell your neck
hold you near
know your curves
catch your tear
Long - I long for you
Long - Long I Long
I Long - Long for you
molasses
time speeds past
ever reaching
pushing
last
