my web

O no, I see,
I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,

The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.

-Coldplay-

Feelings hurt and I'm too proud
to run screaming right out loud
I miss you so I must confess
Oh such a fucking great big mess

Dry my eyes and push on hard
Keep breathing, moving, hold up my guard
No end in sight no plan in play
to clear this tangled broken web away

When all is lost...how does one know
How do you just...stop the flow
Second guessing every action you take
Doing nothing for fear of mistake

And all the time and along the way
If I ever caused you trouble...
I never meant to cause you trouble

-Gern-

all the leaves are brown

And the skis are gray.

This was a very bad week. A week to remember to forget. Two people at work lost their fathers this week, A fellow student killed themselves and I found out Thursday that my mom had a stroke. And I still morn a loss which I can not begin to describe and which has taken away a piece of me that I may never get back.

In the bleak mid winter frosty wind made moan........

I have been a wreck lately. I am loosing myself to the darkness. I don't even care anymore and I guess it shows. It's such an effort to put on a smile and be positive. I feel so bad for my co-workers. I try to just stay in my little place and not bug them so they don't get sucked down in the Whirlpool.

So I've made an emergency trip to VT. Odd thing is she is doing better. It's good news and I'm grateful. But I still have these recurring dreams of singing the bass solo of Rutter's Requiem at her service...I can't do that.

Father let this cup pass from me. I can not drink this wine. I can not drink this wine. I'm on the brink of complete meltdown every moment lately. If this cloud doesn't pass soon I'll be wearing a new kind of jacket with long sleeves that tie around in the back and reside in a soundproof padded room so no one can hear me make odd noises.

While much of the above may be exaggeration...I can't take a lot, lot more. They say he knows our limits. I'm beginning to question...