Preposterous Pondering

Illusion

2011-11-06T17:51:00.003-05:00

And if you think your life is complete confusion because your neighbors' got it made...Just remember that it's a Grand Illusion...and deep inside we're all the same.

We're all fucked up and the truth is that even when we've found that which is perfect and the thing sought after for seemingly endless time...we won't want it or be happy with it or grateful to the Universe for offering it to us.

The point being that life is complete confusion and the best we can hope for is fleeting moments of partial clarity.

The rest is bullshit...

GAMES

2010-11-13T17:22:00.002-05:00

I don't wanna live here no more
I don't wanna stay
Ain't gonna spend the rest of my life
Quietly fading away

Games people play, you take it or leave it
Things that they say, just don't make it right
If I'm tellin' you the truth right now, do you believe it
Games people play in the middle of the night...

APP

So fucking sick and tired of the games. Just leave me the fuck alone! All ya'll

easy

2010-10-02T12:27:00.003-04:00

It used to be so easy to be your lover.
We wandered through the days like they had no end
But now that you are gone, I'm undercover
I just can't think about you as a friend.

Take it easy on me
It should be easy to see
I'm getting lost in the crowd
Nearly crying out loud
Just want you to know
I know that you have to go
It's all up to you
But whatever you do
Take it easy on me

-LRB-

I knew that you had to go
but the thing that you didn't know
It's not so easy you see
repeatedly loosing someone special to me
Never asked for the slightest thing
but...look past the surface and see who's within
to much for you to be
I can't be less than the guy...that is me

-Gern-

fools and sages

2010-09-23T16:22:00.001-04:00

A guy in crummy old Newport News.
Met a girl who was smart and funny...but was soon off on a cruise.
In two short weeks and four dates she had softened his heart.
She wouldn't believe he could feel this way at the start.

Then she distanced herself from this Newport News dude.
To avoid becoming attached...the chance to brood...
To not have to miss him or wonder what he was about.
Where he might be or with whom he might go out.

He felt she was lucky, was sure as can be
that this tactic could never work for me.
He missed her already...she's not even gone.
Must hide what he felt...endeavor to move on.

Yet he held to a twinkle of hope and cheer.
In three months time this woman so fair.
Might return and give thought to the guy she left here.
And lower her guard without the slightest of care.

behind

2010-08-08T19:31:00.003-04:00

one behind, I'm always one behind.
Can't move around, why can't I find?
the will, desire , drive or guts
to live forward and give her my love.

so long now I've thought of the cruelty I find...
So many of us are always one behind.
I'm as bad as the rest. Maybe even worse.
no fun anymore ...fighting this curse..

one behind...I'm one behind
she was so sweet, so loving, so kind
yet I could not find...
the strength to come out from that place or that time
to live forward, to move away from the one left behind.

The pattern so clear
even to a fool like me
now she's the one behind...how can I be free?
How do you move along leaving the rest behind?
Is love a real word? Does it even mean anything?
Should it be stricken from my vocabulary.

So never again
Will I hurt those so dear
So true so beautiful and find
God forgive me...he does
and I just don't get why.

ashes

2010-07-03T21:11:00.002-04:00

I close my eyes
only for a moment
and the moment's gone
all my dreams
pass before my eyes a curiosity
dust in the wind
all we are is dust in the wind

And all your money
won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind
all we are is dust in the wind
dust in the wind
everything is dust in the wind

Rulers make bad lovers
You better put your kingdom up for sale
Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now--do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.

We are dust and to dust we will return.
So what? Why are the moments of joy so few and far between?
And who would want another minute of this worthless life?
it is very over now, who wants the pieces or the home?
So it's time to move on. Time to take stock
time to leave it all behind...no one will even know

Freedom

2010-05-31T20:04:00.003-04:00

We all know that freedom isn't free. But how long must we go on killing each other? The vast majority of the conflicts that result in loss of life stem from a religious authority. Or at least from claims of religious ties. How can we in good conscious decide to kill someone? I think we all as individuals need to stand up and say, "no more!" We don't need to do the evil deeds of the greedy. How does one unite humanity in a mission, not of peace but just of a lack of murder and hate.

I'm probably a simpleton, couldn't we all just choose to get along? The individuals are too removed from the responsibility of what goes on in these wars. If our leaders can't exhibit a conscious perhaps we all as individuals need to. Wouldn't that bring about the most amazing rapid halt to it all?

lost souls

2010-05-20T18:34:00.004-04:00

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

- Pink Floyd -

Can you see the true wretch that is me?
Have you known the way that things can't be?
Do you laugh in the face of pure misery?
What's the name that old movie? The one you won't ever see.
Will you struggle but never be free? Sit in front of that same TV?
From this place we both must flee. A better option there has to be.
How I wish you were here.

- Gern -

in the breeze

2010-05-01T19:00:00.002-04:00

knees in the breeze...the the best bike weather all week. I think the bike is happy. As hard as this year has been I just can't be sad when I'm on the bike. It's like being in another world or maybe being another person. Not sure.

Edification - Because Harleys are V-twins and the "V" is arranged longitudinally on the bike, the front cylinder gets all or the vast majority of the cooling air. So you can always tell a Harley rider who is experienced or who at least loves his bike by the angle of his knees in the breeze. Forming a human air duct to cool that rear cylinder.

I love my Harley...my knees are always about 30 degrees off straight forward.

men, boys and toys

what good

2010-04-03T18:38:00.009-04:00

What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know, except insofar as a kind of understanding must precede every action. The thing is to understand myself, to see what God truly wishes me to do; the thing is to find a truth for me, to find the idea I can live and die for, What would be the use of discovering so-called objective truth, of mastering all the systems of philosophy and being able if required, to discuss them all and reveal the inconsistencies within each; what good would it do me to be able to develop a theory of the state and synthesize all details into one whole, and so create a world I did not live in, but only held up for others to see; what good would it do me to be able to explain the meaning of Christianity if it had no deeper significance for my life; what good would it do me if truth herself stood before me, cold and naked, not caring whether I recognized her or not, and producing in me a shudder of terror rather than a trusting devotion? Indeed I do not deny that I yet acknowledge an imperative of understanding and that with it one can control men, but it must be taken up into my life, and that is what I now recognize as the most important thing.

- Soren Kierkegaard -

I do not presume to taint this with my substandard thought. Existentialism.....

- Gern -

end

2010-03-07T19:01:00.002-05:00

Must all good things come to an end? Must we be constantly reminded of how fragile and fleeting life is? Does anyone out there get to relax into the knowing that tomorrow that "good thing" will still be there?

I guess the answer is no...I lost a thing this weekend. I've known of the upcoming loss for some time but I didn't realize it would effect me so. I've taken this thing for granted. Assumed it would always be there and not availed myself of it nearly as often as I could have...maybe should have. I seem to be loosing so many things lately. I have this desperate nervousness that seems to linger about me. It's so very uncomfortable. I try to just be ok...how do you do that?

Everything seems to be falling away, work, school, personal stuff. I need to succeed on one or more of these. I need to win. Need something good to happen. I want that second chance. I won't screw it up this time. I won't....

2nd

2010-02-27T00:35:00.003-05:00

What do you do when love comes along
And offers your heart a chance to move on
With no guarantees, no safety net
You trust what you feel, you take that first step

Just close your eyes
Reach for the moment
Before it slips by
Here is your second chance
Take it and fly

The weight of the world, the need to survive
Has made you believe, that you've got no right
Then out of the blue, you meet someone
Who offers a place, warm as the sun

Just close your eyes
Reach for the moment
Before it slips by
Here is your second chance
Take it and fly

- Trisha Yearwood -

Never believed in the second chance
too hard to conceive...too hard that dance
The pain and the heartache are washing away
to begin anew and abandon the fray

It's too tempting too sweet
that nectar, that love
too hard to compete
cannot give up

Will hurt come again
if patterns hold true
it's more likely than not
what should one do

Risk it again
with great risk there be
the great reward
perhaps this time for me

- Gern -

Valentine

2010-02-14T14:10:00.003-05:00

I think about things that won't ever be
and can't see the forest because of the tree
what if I can't be happy without
these things that will never...ever work out.

Choices made and history is written
decisions that divide and dissect my world
no one will care...or even listen

The path that I take is narrow...one way
you can't double back or from the path stray
almost to the curve beyond which you can't see
that left behind...that lost to me

I can't call for help...can't undo the done
along this path I go...a path made for one.

If it ends will it widen?
At the end might I find,
the Love that's escaped me, my valentine.

Farewell

2010-01-27T19:56:00.002-05:00

Great Aunt Irene took her leave of this life Monday 1/25/2010 at approx 12:30 in the afternoon. Safe journey, move boldly into what is next.

Shallow Water

2010-01-24T14:27:00.004-05:00

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog
I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah

Choke me in the shallow waters
Before I get too deep

What I am is what I am
Are you what you are or what?

- Edie Brickell -

I'm not aware of valuable things
I know what I know and have what that brings
Philosophy is to question the why of it all
Religion is the package of how - and it's small
Wrapping it up with a nice little bow
Here's what to think, here's what you know

I couldn't care about all these odd things
Can't give advise, can't save my own skin
Philosophy forges a new path or fresh road
When the old way we've used doesn't lead to truth
Religion has a plot and a plan the way mapped out
Sometimes we can't go there...not by that route

Do you know what I mean? d-do ya?
Am what I am and truth is for me - are you what you want or...what?

- Gern -

stars

2009-12-31T16:12:00.002-05:00

There is no light pollution in Southern Vermont. I always forget how many stars you can see at night. So many more than here or other places I have lived. Christmas was good this year back in the other "V" state. So many things are different now. I didn't recognize my brothers kids. Literally didn't know who they were. This stupid misunderstanding has been a travesty. While my brother is still a self centered ass...words directly from the mouth of his 17 y/o son...he is still my brother. I won't let that hurt my relationship with his kids or his wife any longer.

The kids all played together...the adults all drank together and mom was so very happy...

Christmas Pictures

Lots of new things for 2010...and the hope of one more reconciliation. It's going to be a great year.

1 down

2009-12-21T22:18:00.002-05:00

Spoke with my brother for the 1st time in over 3 years yesterday. I told him I love him and will always be here for him if he needs me. That did not appear to mean much to him. He has grown into a very selfish and self centered man. I don't really know him anymore. He is no longer the shy little brother that I protected as a youth. He isn't the little guy I would allow to play with the "big" kids to keep him close and keep an eye on him. I was grateful that he seemed to listen and we have exchanged phone numbers to stay in touch.

There is one more broken relationship in my life. Someone I have no tie to except a deep desire to know and be known by her. I do not know how to go about repairing the damage. I have neither the courage or the wisdom to know how to begin. But I kneel in church every Sunday and pray God will help repair this cherished friendship. If there is a God out there somewhere...he/she knows my heart and knows I need help.

I pray that it will not require three years.

There is a phrase, "The burden of this is intolerable". It fits.

up

2009-12-04T17:37:00.003-05:00

Wandering aimlessly. My only purpose now is school. I have no other focus at all. I think I'm falling into depression. Friends urge me to see a Dr. get some "pills". I won't do it. I will tough my way through it. I will get up each day and go to work. And if that is all my life is...then that is all it is.

I miss her every day. There have been so many others, meaningless wastes of time and energy. I was with one and realized I was lonely. How do you tell someone you're lonely even though they are right there?! Seems pretty cruel and I just can't be cruel like that. So you lie, a little white "save the feelings" lie. What difference...

And I dream about her. Sometimes I wake up remembering that she's gone, and it's a pit...and it's as those old cartoon's that ended with the screen closing in to black from the outside to the center. Which way is up. Melissa Etheridge stays in the player in the truck. Playing over and over. I lack for nothing materially. Yet I'd trade it all for that truest friendship. Someone who checks on you...makes sure you are ok. Someone who knows you and your faults and doesn't bat an eye.

How do you find that? How do you move from here to there? Which way is up?

my web

2009-11-21T18:02:00.003-05:00

O no, I see,
I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,

The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.

-Coldplay-

Feelings hurt and I'm too proud
to run screaming right out loud
I miss you so I must confess
Oh such a fucking great big mess

Dry my eyes and push on hard
Keep breathing, moving, hold up my guard
No end in sight no plan in play
to clear this tangled broken web away

When all is lost...how does one know
How do you just...stop the flow
Second guessing every action you take
Doing nothing for fear of mistake

And all the time and along the way
If I ever caused you trouble...
I never meant to cause you trouble

-Gern-

all the leaves are brown

2009-11-13T20:28:00.004-05:00

And the skis are gray.

This was a very bad week. A week to remember to forget. Two people at work lost their fathers this week, A fellow student killed themselves and I found out Thursday that my mom had a stroke. And I still morn a loss which I can not begin to describe and which has taken away a piece of me that I may never get back.

In the bleak mid winter frosty wind made moan........

I have been a wreck lately. I am loosing myself to the darkness. I don't even care anymore and I guess it shows. It's such an effort to put on a smile and be positive. I feel so bad for my co-workers. I try to just stay in my little place and not bug them so they don't get sucked down in the Whirlpool.

So I've made an emergency trip to VT. Odd thing is she is doing better. It's good news and I'm grateful. But I still have these recurring dreams of singing the bass solo of Rutter's Requiem at her service...I can't do that.

Father let this cup pass from me. I can not drink this wine. I can not drink this wine. I'm on the brink of complete meltdown every moment lately. If this cloud doesn't pass soon I'll be wearing a new kind of jacket with long sleeves that tie around in the back and reside in a soundproof padded room so no one can hear me make odd noises.

While much of the above may be exaggeration...I can't take a lot, lot more. They say he knows our limits. I'm beginning to question...

free me

2009-10-29T18:37:00.003-04:00

One day you just get tired of crying
Runnin' can't escape the beating heart
One day you just get tired of dying
Living can't escape the beating march
But a higher bloom unveils
In a low down dirty day
And all that dreams entail
Come and take your suffering away
This eye looks with love
This eye looks with judgment
Free me take the sight out of this eye

-Edie Brickell-

Free me from this lack of faith
Save me from falling away
Catch me when I am unkind
Keep me of a simple mind
When I falter when I slip
Buoy me up don't let me trip
If I don't pass on your love
Free me...

-Gern-

Irene

2009-10-24T10:28:00.001-04:00

To followup on a question from the last post about Aunt Irene, actually Great Aunt Irene...she is still with us although I believe her body is all but dead, the mind isn't quite at peace yet.

We believe she is afraid to die possibly because she thinks my Dad needs her. The Hospice worker said if she was put at peace she would likely die shortly after. I am told by my sister that my father very lovingly and beautifully told her that we would all be ok. That we loved her and it was ok for her to rest. He told her it was ok for her to be with Jesus and her loved ones that had gone on before her.

I understand it was so moving and touching that everyone there was in tears. Who is this man that claims to be my father? Why am I learning about the breadth of his dimensions and depth of his feelings so late in life? Is this new or have I not been paying attention? I feel so isolated and alone down here like my family is fading away. I call them so often I'm afraid I'm becoming a pest.

The weird thing is that we weren't close to Irene growing up. However it is way too sobering watching her deteriorate, somewhat less than 80lbs now and the mind giving up logical thought and reason. It's not fair God. It's not right to continue to drag this on. She has done her work here. Volunteered for over 40 years at the clinic and likely many other things.

But I digress. Irene seems to be very much stuck. Eventually her body will completely give up on her. But for now she continues to live for others. Caught in some sort of cruel misunderstanding. Life is full of them.

step

2009-10-04T17:18:00.002-04:00

Into the light
step in to the light
you've earned your rest
time and this world have exacted their best

Step to the light
where no darkness exists
no shadow - no gray - no waver

Step too the light
they wait for you there
gram and gramps, uncle john....
longing to see you healed, restored to perfection

Step into the light
follow its glow
the strongest woman we've known
strength leaves you now, let it flow
you won't need it
not where you go

Step into the light
you must leave us behind
we'll carry on in your place
for a time

Step into the light
enough is enough
no more pills no more suffering
no more, no more of that stuff

Step off to the light
what a burden it's been
the top rung of our family ladder
not vacant, now the next of your kin

Be at perfect - perfect peace
please prepare the way
I'm on the ladder
but two steps away

Bless you Irene and the life that you lived
may the light warm you always where always you live

Expounding

2009-09-10T19:56:00.003-04:00

Days of our lives. I've been digesting something a friend and fellow blogger wrote about recently. They wrote the days of their life passing by and no one seemed to notice. I feel this way myself. More often than not. But for some reason I keep thinking about the Soap Opera titled "The Days of Our Lives." As I think about this I realize the human condition is way more universal than we understand or perhaps like to admit. We want to think the pain, torment, turmoil or what-ever is unique unto us...but it's not. Billions of people have come before us. They have lived, died, loved, lost, hurt, been hurt, felt alone, lonely, listless and on and on and on. Look at the songs that are sung, that we listen to. Why do they resonate so clearly with us? Are these song writers also mind readers? No they have gone through the same shit, fell flat on their face in the same way and drawn the same short straw we have at one time or another.

Does this realization (revelation) make us (me) feel any better? Worse? Less special? More integrated? No. What it does make me think is that there is always a kinder. gentler way of handling a situation. While I want to believe that I always choose that option, I am going to strive to be more conscious of it.

So the days of our lives are passing by. Not many of them are all that special or memorable. I submit that we need to make an effort to add something special to others days whenever we can. If we do it enough, maybe what goes around what will come back around.

where I've been

2009-09-07T17:28:00.003-04:00

They say you can get anything you want. If your wallet is fat enough you can, at the very least rent happiness. However that is bullshit. You can indulge yourself in anything you can think of and in my case many things I'd never be able to imagine.

Las Vegas invented Faux...it is the epitome of falseness. The lights the music the crazy low prices of some things to get you to indulge in the others. I've never been terribly tempted by that stuff. There is a cool computerized fountain system that does an awesome show after dark with multicolored lights. The shows are pretty great too.

Where "Sin City" fell grotesquely short was getting her off my mind for one moment. Perhaps if I'd actually wanted it to work it might have. I was in a place designed and built from the ground up for fun. Hundreds and hundreds of acres of it. Yet all I could think of was, "What is she doing tonight and with whom?"

Back from the land of make believe. Back to work tomorrow. Back to hoping. Back.

things i miss

2009-08-31T22:17:00.006-04:00

Someone to talk with.

Noise in the house made by someone else.

Kissing.

Having dinner with someone special.

Looking forward to something fun.

Love.

Being truly happy.

Cuddling up at night.

Waking up and feeling like i slept.

Sex.

Personal phone calls.

Friends that contact me with something to do.

A day without tears.

Plans.

Teasing and being teased.

Hugs.

Feeling as though there is meaning in this life.

Her.

Having things work out my way now and then.

Holding hands.

Telling someone special, "I love you."

NH

2009-08-24T17:10:00.008-04:00

The New Hampshire trip is over. I'm very glad to be back home. Over the last 2 years it's become more difficult for me to be away. I don't like it. Weird.

On the flip side I had been working too hard and too long this year without a vacation. It literally took me from Saturday till Thursday before I felt relaxed. I could finally feel the anxiety leave me. What an amazingly good feeling to be free of that. I'm gonna work hard to prevent it from coming back to that extent again. Not sure how but that's my plan anyway.

The weather wasn't the greatest. Even the days we did hike were hazy and foggy. The pictures below aren't too bad. Another year we will hope for clearer sky.

NH Pictures

weather

2009-08-22T04:05:00.003-04:00

socked in with crummy weather. read two books yesterday. today will be just as bad. no more hiking this year. but we had two great hikes anyway and I was able to release my echo. looking forward to getting home. looking forward to what time will bring. praying for good things to begin to unfold.

change

2009-08-18T16:13:00.005-04:00

Plans change...things happen. I try not to be amazed by the myriad of bizarre events that continue to plague my existence.

I keep thinking...after a while God even gave Job a break. I mean is this fun for you. How much stress can Gern take. Let's see if we can break him. May I have one visit with mom when she isn't in distress?

Maybe I'm a bad person. Perhaps too self centered. It's not about me. I'm just a part of the whole and right now wishing I was not. I just want to be on the top of a mountain where no one can find me. No one knows I exist and where the silence is so deep you can taste it. The view is so breath taking you feel like you can fly.

Yet I'm here in Vermont in my sister's living room again. Over 4 hours away from the White mountains of New Hampshire and trying to figure out why my mom thinks her collar bone that she broke 2 days ago is healed already. She's so confused. Maybe its the pain medicine. Maybe she's just slipping further and further away from us. I feel like I should tie a mental rope around her to keep her here. How do you do that?

My friend had to rush off to KY to do a funeral which was a Godsend because he is driving me crazy after only 3 days. I keep praying for a normal life. For someone to enjoy a vacation with. It's too weird to spend this much time with another guy. He's my best friend in the whole world...yet I need smaller doses.

I'm sorry buddy. I love you but we need to plan smaller more frequent visits. And I need a change. But not this change...one that doesn't involve the hospital or any medical procedure at all. Is this too much to ask?

close

2009-08-14T15:09:00.005-04:00

I will be as close to God as one can get physically this coming week. (on the East Coast anyway) That is if you think of Heaven as being up which I do. So I'm a simpleton.

Mount Washington in the White Mountains of New Hampshire is the highest point on this side of the country. On a clear day you can see the ocean if you look east from the top.

I miss the mountains sometimes. But while I'm gone...I miss here. As I write this I haven't even left yet but I have such a pang over someone I will miss while being so far away. I will call out to her across the mountain tops of New Hampshire leaving an echo traveling through time and space. One day it's essence may reach her.

One day I will hold her in my arms and it will be ok to do so. One day...one day...one day

Fading

2009-08-02T12:57:00.007-04:00

We are loosing her. She seems to continually take two steps forward and three steps back. Which makes it all so deceiving. Poor Dad with two extremely sick women to care for, I don't know how he does it. But it is taking a toll on him...sapping slightly more energy each day than he gets back that night. I hear it in his voice. I see it in his face and he knows it.

The self preservation instinct does not kick in for him. He allows the stress and strain of it all to devour his life force sacrificially. I one day hope to be half the man he is. Three years ago I ran away from my family. I ran here to save myself. To become a whole person again. How selfish is that? How self serving? They need my help...but what can I do from here. How simply convenient for me.

I don't know how any single person could ever live there. So little to do. So hard to make a living. Single income households all but extinct. After a while even the beauty of the mountains, valleys, trees, dirt roads and covered bridges becomes meaningless when you don't know where you'll get the money to pay the oil company for heat. The beauty of it all is wonderful and valuable, but you can't burn it in the fireplace or eat it. So you trade it for bill boards and Mercury Blvd and summers so oppressively hot that one can't survive without air conditioning.

And through all this there is the thoughts of those left behind. With home values plummeting. Businesses, churches, schools, Dr's offices and even two wings of the hospital closed down. It's like I got out in time and those left behind are out of luck. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I also selfishly wish my sister was here. I miss her so much. She seems to be the only one that really knows me...the only one willing to accept me for all my faults and love me anyway. And believe me that's no small thing because I have lots.

Yet I was drawn here. There is a purpose for my move. There is a plan (not my own) that I be here. She brightens my life. She makes me feel alive, whole, purposeful. I would hold her one day. I would welcome a chance to be there. We would make everything brand new.

I'm way off topic here...I should erase it but...

F'n U-haul Day

2009-07-29T18:00:00.001-04:00

Thursday is U-haul day. The U-haul is reserved and if I have to load it myself...so be it.

I hate being this way. Why does it have to come to this? We had an understanding, an agreement.

I've been more than fair...more than patient...

Everyone has their limit. Everyone has a finite capacity for generosity.

The limits reached, the line is crossed, time is up.

Thursday is moving day!

NBN

2009-07-25T10:28:00.004-04:00

Nothing but net.

Some days it seems like I can't miss. Today would not have been one of those days. :)
On those days I think that the NBA really missed out. But in truth as much as I like basketball and enjoy to play or just shoot hoops...when I was on the team in HS I got tired of it every day. Day after day. I guess too much of anything is too much. I can be profound eh.

But I love my little elementary school where I play, it's never crowded and if other guys do show up to play they usually are about my speed so I don't feel like a grandpa. The other thing I like about it is there is almost always one of 2 or 3 men, (younger fathers) with their sons there. I love the look of joy on their little faces, their dads spending time with them...nothing in the world is more important for them than that very moment. We can learn a lot from children. Children gravitate towards happiness. They let their day play out in a happy way and fabricate things to be happy about if they don't naturally occur.

Yes my little Saturday morning ritual is pretty darn important to me. I didn't shoot very well today but I saw joy and it was beautiful. Really beautiful.

Vermont

2009-07-22T08:53:00.008-04:00

So good to be back home. The trip was fine but there is an underlying issue that taints everything in my life right now. It's my own fault I guess because I let it. In some ways I feel as though I deserve it.

Foolish thoughts. I talked with my sister a lot. Trying to get a woman's perspective. Trying to figure things out. Trying to rid myself of this issue. I've never felt this way before. It eats at you. Makes you want to do something when nothing can be done. What would I do. Shake my fist, foam at the mouth, act irrationally?

Someday happiness will come. Someday I will wrap my arms around and never...ever let go.

VT Pictures

Home

2009-07-18T22:37:00.004-04:00

When I was in the Navy I always thought of Vermont as home. Even after the service wherever I lived seemed temporary. Seemed like a stepping stone to returning home to Vermont. Maybe it's true that you can never go "home" again. Maybe Home is not so much a place as an ideal.

I did return to Vermont and try to make it home again. The longer I stayed the less I believed it to be home. Through countless events, circumstances and intentional life changes I've returned home to Virginia nearly three years now. These three years haven't been the easiest, or the happiest. Yet I am stronger, standing on more solid ground and looking forward to something wonderful in my life...I need to believe in this something wonderful.

Some say home is where you hang your hat. I am not one of these folks. These wondering people. I believe home is where your heart is. Home is where your love is freely given and warmly received. My home is in Newport News, Virginia and as I sit here in Vermont in my sisters living room, as much as I love her and all my family...I long to get back Home.

4-ever

2009-07-15T11:57:00.005-04:00

If love never lasts forever...

some days are so much harder than others. Why is that I wonder. It's hard to wrap my head around what it's all for anymore. Everything seems so pointless. Eating, sleeping (little), drinking (heavily), working and studying. And repeat...f'n pointless.

Give me things that won't get lost...

What doesn't get lost anymore. Everything is disposable, contacts, water filters, cars, relationships. It's all temporary, of course life is temporary but when there doesn't seem to be anything to hold on to. Nothing to roll home for.

You only want the things you can't get...

Desperado...I am the quintessential desperado. Or maybe not, because I'm not even out riding fences. Tears don't even come anymore. I try to let them out. I'm in my wide open prison.

Some days are just too hard. Today I need a friend. I need a friend today.

cornered

2009-07-05T15:55:00.003-04:00

Not sure why but I have the last 6 to 9 months anyway, felt like I had the market cornered on sadness. I thought at least I'm best at something. Today as I pulled into the church parking lot (10 minutes late) I notice someone bent almost half over. After parking and walking toward the door I recognize a man I admire very much. He's a mans man. As far as I ever thought he has everything I lack and then some. Always seems happy, smiling, glad to see you and the slightest hint of male cockiness.

Today here he is openly weeping into a tissue. I mean completely, uncontrollably, letting it all out. Now I've done this, more times than I'd like to admit and I didn't have the good sense to go outside. I thought to myself if our roles were reversed. Would I want him to walk by and pretend he didn't see me, or come over hug me and say, "I love you?" In truth as embarrassing as it would be I choose the latter. Yet what I did was the former. Why did I do that? Am I gutless? Uncaring? Maybe I don't have enough strength left to share any out.

Please know my friend...I do love you. This world is too cold and this life is too short to let someone you know and care about suffer alone.

God give me the strength to never let this opportunity pass again.

Giving back

2009-07-03T10:59:00.002-04:00

Two mini stories slightly related. It's on my mind and this will be a record of it.

One evening after spending time with the girlfriend at the time, I was still in high school for reference...my car broke down on the way home. It was about 10 miles to our house. I walked back to her place and knocked like crazy but she would not wake up. I could even see her through the window. Asleep. So I began the long trek home. It was dead of winter and snowing and after midnight. There were virtually no cars going by but I started putting my thumb out hoping. Someone did stop and gave me a ride all the way into town. This left me only a mile or so to walk. I was grateful.

A couple of weeks later driving that same road I saw someone trying to hitch a ride and felt that I owed the favor back. This turned out to be so scary. The guy wanted to smoke pot in my car and was overall a rough character. I was relieved when he got out.

When I moved back here I had almost no plan what-so-ever. But I knew my friend mj would rent me a room and I could establish myself from there and she did. It made things so much easier and I was grateful. Although I was sorta squeezed out by her mother and brother it was still a life saver for a few months.

At the end of last year I had the opportunity to return this favor back to the general cosmos. However once again the favor came with ramifications that were unexpected and painful if not scary. I firmly believe this has caused a loss in my life which I will regret for the rest of time and while this situation is almost resolved...yes still not quite damn it. I'm not completely certain I can recover what I've lost.

So no good deed goes unpunished and hope must prevail.

faith

2009-06-28T12:04:00.002-04:00

Preacherman hasn't inspired me in a while. Today was good. Inspired may be the wrong word. Spoke to me is the idea. The sermon spoke to me today. I think a good sermon should speak to you. It might not speak the same thing to each individual but it should have some relevance in your life.

So I didn't ask anyone else, "Was it good for you?" but I should have.

He has described faith in this way before, (The assurance of things hoped for the belief in things not seen) But he took it a good bit further today. Talking about the relationship between faith and risk. The greater the risk the greater the faith. I have taken some risks lately based upon things hoped for and these things have mostly not worked out. But here's the thing, I refuse to loose faith of that yet not seen. Because I know it exists. I have not seen it and it is not yet appropriate but I have faith and feel led keep this faith.

The risk is enormous. The faith is enormous. The potential reward is enormous. I will continue to hold the faith, keep focused on that not seen. Love will win one day. Love must always win.

How

2009-06-24T13:05:00.003-04:00

How many times can the heart be broken before it will fail to mend?

How many hurtful words must be spoken before love comes to an end?

How many times can you watch her walk away before hope looses hold?

How many glances nonchalant equal a hello?

How many genuine smiles add up to a kiss?

How many offhanded comments to generate a hint?

How many hints are required for one to make a move?

How many moves will fail before the chances improve?

How many times must the wheel squeak before it gets the grease?

How much grease will be applied before the wheel gets replaced?

How many times can you look in her eyes without falling?

And I ask you...How far can you fall without breaking your heart?

conventional

2009-06-15T15:13:00.002-04:00

More specifically unconventional. I imagine most people are hardest on themselves. It's difficult to look back over ones life when there isn't much you're proud of. I'm not totally down on myself but as for a mark on the world I'll be lucky to leave the slightest blemish. At 44 y/o I'm single, alone most of the time, have no children, formal education and not much of a purpose.

I feel like it's akin to the old saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, did it make a sound?" "If you go through your life and no one remembers you, did you exist?" Now don't worry I'm not falling deeper into depression. Just pondering.

I've done so many things in an unconventional manner. I know I'm not absolutely unique in this...but I don't know many who have trod the same path. Out of high school I joined the Navy. Enlisted. I wasn't the top of my HS class, I think 4th maybe. Don't hold me to it. After the Navy I married my ex, one of only 3 women I dated the entire 6 years of Naval experience. Long six years! Our marriage wasn't terrible but it was unspokenly decided that we just weren't ready for children. After 12 years we weren't married anymore either.

I always felt like I'd get a "real" education. But I always landed such good jobs and I suppose I was just lazy. I've moved far away from any family and yet I seem to be healthier here. My sister and I have always been close but we are so much closer now. These last few months have been quite troubled for me. Without the countless conversations I'm not sure I could have made it through. Perhaps I'm not yet through.

I always thought there was some magic formula for how to live your life that I didn't know about. Or perhaps I was sick that day. Seemed as though everyone else knew what to do. I mostly stand around in abject awe and wonder, staring trying to figure it out. Something I find increasingly difficult is decisions. Stupid stuff like furniture. Which is why I have virtually none. Should I paint the wall this color or that? So it doesn't get painted. I know this sounds ridiculously stupid and it is. But how much more enjoyable it is to make such decisions with a second opinion!

So I'm plodding through life minimally. Cooking what I like to eat. Doing what I like to do. Choosing in virtually all things what I want. It feels so selfish. The desire to share is ever present. This too is likely selfish since it would be unloading some of the burden of decisions. Unloading sounds pretty wonderful. Maybe the crux of this whole issue is my propensity to continuously look back at what I haven't done or what I feel I've done wrong instead of trying to get it right from here. This is where I probably need help. At least I have made one decision. Working towards this education thing. Maybe I'll buy an easy boy or something. Start small...wonder what color..........

Biding

2009-06-12T13:09:00.006-04:00

Biding my time. Waiting for something to work out. I know it will. It has to work out, I've sulked, cried, morned and allowed myself to slip into such a dark and awful place that faith had left me. Some strength came to me this week. I've finally resolved a living arrangement problem that has plagued me for months and now I know things will work out my way and how I desire.

I know this because I can feel it in my heart and in my soul. It's a wonderful feeling saying, wait...be patient a bit longer. Right around the corner is something you've prayed about for many months now. Coming your way is the answer to these prayers.

I do believe this. I must believe this. I am going to will it into being. And I am going to be grateful to the cosmos for this resolution. The feeling of relief is pure and the joy is returning to life.

I'm thankful, patient, hopeful and grateful

within

2009-06-02T22:40:00.008-04:00

shine on.
never concede
follow your heart
love sets you free

love with your all
give without reserve
never give up
don't loose your nerve

the rarity of a mutuality
beyond all known
should not be let go
will not let you down

face the truth of your fear
test resolve
keep love near

hidden emotions
build on their own
no outlet
insist to be known

One day will come to light
all that is and has been
no more hiding or avoiding
Love - Love within

smarter than

2009-05-30T09:28:00.002-04:00

I'm not smarter than my calculator. Which probably makes no sense. We had to by this ridiculous calculator for Calculus. It's got more buttons on it than the control panel at Kennedy Space Center NASA. I seriously need to figure out how to make it work for a test Tuesday. Totally dreading sitting down with this thing.

The biggest problem. It's sunny out today. I don't even want to do this.

Heavy

2009-05-29T09:24:00.002-04:00

Mistakes weigh heavy
pieces continue to break away and wither
losses add up against insignificant wins
regrets and remorse burden
the weight of the cross leaves impressions
imprints of the hard wood grain don't completely fade

Lightness and beauty recede
left with ugliness, money and greed
pushing away and leaving the fold
no place for the loner
no longer belong, fit in, enjoy

Sleep rarely stays long
angst and bitterness reside
unwanted guests accentuate loneliness
days become weeks and months

Smiles are rare and hurt...fake
not bothering to pretend...slipping
flooded and drowning the black dog draws down
teeth embedded - skin compromised
fighting free no option

if you loved me like that

2009-05-28T09:55:00.004-04:00

Beginners

The above is a long story, but I've never read a more perfect description of LOVE...

The start is a bit difficult because of all the dialog. Persevere because if you don't cry at the demonstration of love this man has for his wife then you're dead inside. I have read this a number of times lately mainly to make sure I'm not dead inside.

If someone loved me like this I'd live every moment like it was our last together...I'd be their knight in resplendent armour...I'd stop the world.

doubt

2009-05-23T08:00:00.002-04:00

Calculus and Linear geometry...whatever that is. I had somehow gotten it into my head that I need to complete a degree in mechanical engineering. Shouldn't take much more than oh ten years or so. I took the math placement a second time since I was initially placed in "introduction to math" which sounds kinda like the 4th grade and I was a bit too proud for that.

So now I find myself in this class furiously taking notes and almost completely unable to keep the verse out of my head. I'm wondering what is wrong with my brain. It is desperately trying to write poetry during math class. I am unable to remember any of it after the class is over. It's such a drain, life leaching this math that no one should be subjected to. I design mechanical systems all the time. The few times I could have used calculus to determine something I was able to come close with geometry and a couple extra steps.

But here's the thing...what would I do? Where would I be if my job evaporated? I wouldn't be able to sell this house fast enough. So is a ten year plan good enough? Was turning down a promotion to VP of Operations and a 6 figure salary a good idea? Was it selfish? Or does it matter? No one counts on me for anything. I answer to no one and have no one.

So what is this push for? What's the point? I'm beginning to feel like I did the last few years I lived in Vermont. I have to do something. Even if it's fucking wrong. I just have to do something. Nothing is not acceptable. Maybe someday I'll share the fruits of these labors with someone who'll look at me and never...ever look back. If not at least I can help the Nieces and Nephews through college.

to do or not to do

2009-05-13T21:45:00.010-04:00

Is life what you make it or do you make what you can of life? I spent the evening with my ex and her boyfriend who is a really nice guy. We road around through Hampton, Poquoson, Grafton and Newport News. Then we had dinner. Sondra is one of the Happiest persons I have ever known. She really doesn't let much get her down and she attracts happy people to herself. She has life wisdom. She has that which I do not. Perhaps that is how we stayed married for so long. I am grateful that her life is happy.

As I think about what seems wrong lately, the little things in life are missing. Little joys. Friendships are less. I don't hear from or stay in touch with anyone. I'm not building new memories to cherish. I'm not living...just existing. I recently received a big raise and offer of promotion. And I'm scared to death. I feel like I'm loosing myself. More work is less me.

I have lots of time off with no plans for vacation. How do you take vacation by yourself? I used to just go to Vermont. I don't want that anymore. I need new experiences. That's what I need. Something really new. I need to get the hell out of here.

seek

2009-05-09T22:41:00.003-04:00

Far off lone and gray
distance a powerful enemy
proximity
routes and runs - errant paths
by and way

Forging - moving - progress not
desire, longing, hope through action
thrust toward closeness. physical
groping, clinging, clambering

Want and lust - animal need
heat not realized
through the void between
passion lurking - ebbing
sigh

The night passing
.slowly
..slowly
...slowly
....by

Long

2009-05-05T07:55:00.000-04:00

too long for you
I long for you
to breathe your breath
accept your gaze
to you all my days

I would read the pores
of your precious face
and taste your lips
oh taste - O taste

to smell your neck
hold you near
know your curves
catch your tear

Long - I long for you
Long - Long I Long
I Long - Long for you
molasses
time speeds past
ever reaching
pushing
last

This is water

2009-04-30T13:12:00.004-04:00

Kenyon Commencement

The above is a somewhat long read...maybe 10 minutes. But I read slow. I found it to be profoundly True and I know one of my many failings.

I tend to blunder through life wondering when it's going to treat me kindly. Believing that I am essentially a good person and deserve something. I wasn't always like this. At least I don't think I was always this bad. Yet perhaps that is another example of my limited and self centered thinking. It's so hard to exorcise myself from the equation. I can see the very faint light off in a great distance and I realize that the ability to do this should lead to a significant lessening of loneliness and an increase in happiness.

Where does one find the strength? You can't simply run around screaming: This is water! This is water! This is water!

Grace

2009-04-22T22:13:00.003-04:00

And who am I that for my sake my Lord should take frail flesh and die?

Two amazing things in barely a week. I have been feeling overwhelmingly sorry for myself lately. I don't seem to grow in wisdom as I grow in age.

I visited a friend last week. A friend I hadn't seen in almost a year. For no good reason except being busy and allowing time to go by. I had on my mind catching up with my dear friend as well as selfishly dumping my shit on her. Mainly because she is so wise and helpful. Something she mentioned in the first few minutes of my visit led to her disclosure of an awful ordeal she had endured recently. The stress of which I'm not sure I could have managed. I was looking down and shaking my head doing my best to keep the tears from welling up over the eyelids. How can anyone deny responsibility to their children.
Looking up there were tears running down her face. My tears joined immediately. We sat together and wept and held hands living into each others vulnerability. I don't even know how to thank God for a friend such as this. She also heard my sadness and held me as I cried again.

Who has a friend like that? Anyone? Speak up because I know I'm blessed.

Number two. One is really enough but this is icing. I learned this week that a woman I dated for over a year during 2003 and 2004 got engaged this week. She is a beautiful soul. Someone I think of often. We had to part because of her severe M.S. We were living together and in love. I became more and more afraid that she would fall and hurt herself. She fell so often. Insisted on going up and down the stairs. Doing more than she should. Back then I couldn't even afford my own car no less the care she needed. We split for her benefit. She never forgave me. I have prayed for her ever since. Some wonderful man has fallen in love with her and is in a place in his life where he can take care of her.

God is Good. God is Perfect. God is Love

note

2009-04-10T21:05:00.004-04:00

When I was a young boy, perhaps 7 or 8 I recall an incident with my Dad. I don't recall the details so much as the outcome. I had done something bad. I did so many bad things back then. Take your pick. I've absolutely no idea which it was. But the point is what happened. Oh and I'm pretty sure I lied about it, whatever it was also.

When Dad found out I figured I was in for a spanking. Yet what I got was, "Gern, I'm very disappointed in you." That's it. I was off scott free for about an hour. Until the gravity of it all settled in. Gravity sometimes settles slowly. Later in my room I thought about the man I admired more than any other. Still do. Honestly, Dad has 3 engineering degrees. He IS the smartest man I've ever known. He's also humble and to my knowledge not missed a Sunday of church in the 44 years I've been around.

So this man so important to me was so done with me I wasn't even worth punishing. Not worthy of a smack or slap or anything. I cried the most bitter tears I've ever cried in my life, and I have spent no small portion of my time since then endeavoring not to disappoint him. Not too long after the incident he held me and told me he loved me. I thought I might never stop crying. The weight lifted from me at that moment...incalculably heavy.

I have disappointed others in my life I'm sure. We always hurt the ones we love. I hope that I have healed most of these hurts.

There is someone whom I have disappointed and/or hurt. It's nearly the gravity of my preceding story. The depth of my transgression is such that they no longer care enough to hit back. They have taken their leave of me. I have cried over and over, prayed, pestered my poor sister and several of my friends to death over this. No one has any useful advise. What do you tell someone who is morning the death of a friendship? I wouldn't know, nor does anyone else.

I have this idea that I will, upon seeing this friend next have something both humble and eloquent to say. Several times while talking with my sister, she has said, "That's beautiful. Have you told her that? I wish someone cherished me that way." Trouble is I never have a pencil or paper at these moments and no matter what, by the time I do. It's gone. I know how I feel in my heart. But I can't seem to consciously hold on to it.

So I carry a piece of paper in my back right pocket. It has two very brief statements on it. I won't go anywhere without it. Should I run into this friend at the very least I can offer this.

I will hold the Christ Light for you in the night-time of your fear. I will hold my hand out to you speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping. When you laugh I'll laugh with you. I will share your joy and sorrow till we've seen this journey through.

Come to my window

2009-04-03T16:16:00.003-04:00

By Melissa Etheridge

I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Just to reach you

Keeping my eyes open
I cannot afford to sleep
Giving away promises
I know that I can't keep
Nothing fills the blackness
That has seeped into my chest
I need you in my blood
I am forsaking all the rest

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Oh to reach you

Low

2009-03-27T21:57:00.005-04:00

How low can you go?

Pretty low actually. I do this to myself. Over and over and I don't learn from my mistakes. Whenever something happens that seems insurmountable...awful, irreconcilable I react in the most idiotic ways. Withdrawing away from all that is important to me. Recoiling from my mainstays in life. Securing the downward spiral.

Even as it is happening, the internal struggle to do what is best vs what will hurt the least begins. The trouble is that what will hurt the least at the moment takes away things that can never be gotten back.

I have this list of "things" at work. One the the items on the list says; "For every minute you are angry you loose 60 seconds of happiness you can never get back." I think that applies to more than anger. Think about the experiences lost by denying oneself that which is most important. All those lost seconds...spending time with those you love, laughter, smiles, fellowship, spiritual renewal, prayer.

One must not allow ego to deny life. As I come back I seem to understand, value, appreciate. Maybe this post will help me remember.

One can only hope...eh

I

2009-03-19T21:36:00.001-04:00

like my soap in a bar...not a bottle

my book in my hand...not on a screen

my music on a cd...not an mp3

my beer in a bottle...not a can

prefer 2 wheels...over 4

rather have one special friend...than one hundred acquaintances

prefer to talk...than text

rather see you...than im you

prefer free weights...to chains, pulleys and levers

rather bourbon...over scotch

enjoy some local blues and a beer...than fight the crowds at a "happening" bar

see the truth deep in the eyes of love...than anything else

be content with who I am...than succumb to popularity

wait for what is right...vs what is available

Joy

2009-01-25T12:58:00.004-05:00

Completely cloudless deep blue sky. Somewhere between 70 and 80 degrees. I can recall moments on a day like that where everything melts away. No care, hope, expectation, dream, desire...nothing exists but me and the heat of the sun.

I think that is what God's love must be like. The washing over of pure joy. Those moments are too few and far between. You can't always re-create them. You must be open to them and allow them to occur. Savoring every drop of liquid happiness that you can.

Last night produced one such moment for me. I was open to sharing a nice time with two wonderful people...what I received was a gift beyond measure. Something you can't merely say "thank you" for. Sharing time with someone dear to us is what life is all about.

Random chaos or predestination. Two opposite ends of the cosmic spectrum. I choose to hope the reality is somewhere between. It is so human and failing to continuously ask, "why?". Did you plan this for "us" God? Are you testing us? Or is this as random as spinning a coin and waiting to see which side faces up?

I can not conceive of the possibility of feeling confident about an answer for any of the above questions. What I do know is that last night...was "sunshine" quality joy. Experienced while in the presence of one of God's creatures. Whom I deeply care about and yes even love.

If this isn't what life is about...then please leave me blissfully ignorant.

fear

2008-12-23T17:07:00.003-05:00

If you love something (someone)...sometimes you have to let it (them) go. I've heard this said. They say if (they) love you (they) will return to you. Perhaps this is the mindset for turning a grown offspring loose in the world. I doubt I'll ever know that feeling and I don't know if that deepens or lessons my sadness. The degree of change being insignificant.

I have to let someone go. I have to give them their freedom. Why don't I love them enough? How do you fight the fear that says you will loose them? You will loose that which is good about yourself that they bring out in you. You will never find someone who looks at you that way again, that makes you feel relevant, special, important.

know that I am trying...know that I care...know that I mean well

silent scream

<

2008-11-19T19:31:00.003-05:00

Some say "bad things only happen to good people." What is good and bad, right and wrong? Pure speculation might say that all is relative. And that may be. The analytical part of my brain says that these adjectives only have meaning in context. The problem here is that I have an extremely sensitive moral and social center, tied permanently to my emotional self.

Bail now if you don't like it...I'm going deeper.

I believe that I tend to take things harder than others, or at least am far less able to hide the abject poisonous venom devouring my insides each time some seemingly grand injustice happens in the (or should I say my) world. Because in truth I'm not that caring about the world as a whole. I can't be. I don't have the strength to weep that much. Nor do I have the fortitude to right enough wrongs (even in my small circle) to seemingly make squat of a difference.

I think...and hope that staying completely open to joy is what exposes those of us to a deeper sorrow and sharper pain when something or someone important is hurt or taken away from us. Often the simplest thing can have more value than all the rest of the world put together. It might just be something we cling to. Helping us shed the darkness for a bit longer. There are those that might say this is a weakness of character or an over sensitive, emotional makeup. Again I believe that to be relative. I can no more change my stance than a gay person can choose to be straight. So how do we deal with the intense difficulties that we face. Tears help a lot. I find that I know I'm real at these moments. I exist and matter at least to myself. I have often wished to be one of these seemingly oblivious people that nothing can effect. A rock. I envision (not sure why) an man who can no matter what has happened sit down and watch football settling into the happiest place he could ever want to be. I don't have one of these happy places. Why is that? Am I too aloof?

A recent loss has drug all this up for me. I firmly believe we can never truly find great joy and happiness if we are not open and vulnerable to hurt and sadness...yet even in the full knowledge of that I still often stand in abject awe and wonder at the pain and sorrow that seems to rain down upon me. Sometimes I ask, am I awake? Did that really happen? Firmly believing that I'm not such a bad person and how in the fuck could such a thing....

And so bad things happen to good people. Or sensitive people experience the lowest of low in order to soar to the highest of high.

nuff said

stupid shit i think about

2008-11-08T09:20:00.003-05:00

stupid shit seems an apt title for many of my posts.

My mom's open heart surgery is scheduled for this Thursday. I need to call her today. She is really scared. I am too in a surreal way...kind of detached and selfish. I have a calm feeling that she will make it through fine but there is always that chance that she may not. She is quite weak.

I have had a dream of singing at my moms funeral ever since I sang Rutters' Requiem...I don't know, 15 years ago I guess. I dream that I am to sing the bass solo of the Requiem. It's very low and stretches my voice almost to it's limit. It's very uncomfortable...yet perhaps Requiem should be uncomfortable.

It's starts out so low and very quiet..."Libera me domine de morte aeterna" - "Lord I pray deliver me from deaths everlasting fire". If I don't think of the English I'm ok...but if I indulge myself I loose it in hopeless gasping sobs. Mom turned 75 in September and I sent her flowers for her birthday. She liked them quite a bit I think based upon her thank you note. Written in an unsteady hand on an enormous piece of paper. She also pointed out that now being 75 she is 3/4 of the way to heaven.

I don't think anyone enjoys hearing song in Latin anymore. And I don't think the 1st born son should have to sing at his mothers funeral. She is going to be fine. Yet the day will come for the song. Who will have the fortitude to sing?

far

2008-11-02T13:45:00.003-05:00

how to keep the loneliness away

need to keep the sadness at bay

prevent this chipping, chiseling, carving away

of the self I halfway like...into a self I hardly know.

watching them two by two walking to their cars smiling
or whole families laughing with the rest of the day to look forward to.

and me, watching her walk away. always leaving...for a while I stay.

then to this over sized house I race. never dreamt it another lonely place.
yet I can still manage a smile as I envision her face.

All you need is Love

2008-10-17T18:37:00.002-04:00

This line - says about all there is to say

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time.

thank you John

Time

2008-10-13T21:35:00.003-04:00

I know I've written about time before and I thought I need not duplicate myself and add my inane thoughts to the electronic clutter more than once. But as I looked through this blog I rapidly lost patience with myself and the unbelievable gobs of useless things I have written. Whew.

So here it is...Time. Time scares me. The passage of it weighs heavy on my mind. Thoughts of what did I do...yesterday, last week...month...year...decade eat away at my ok-ed-ness. Making me feel really not ok most of the time. Now I'm not sure if this is a mid-life thing or not. But I feel strangulated by my inability to achieve a specific thing of such importance that it consumes me to the point that I do LITTLE else. It seems like I need to break a mirror and rush through to the other side in order to continue on. Can I live without the shattered reflections left behind? What if I don't like the other side of the mirror?

All the while time marches on. Things are changing, evolving, morphing and moving away as I scream at my mirror. If I do (and I know I should) pursue other things that are very likely important too. Will "the" thing be lost forever and can I live with the chance of that happening. Nearly everyone around me seems to have it together. Know what they are about, where they are going and how to get there. What ridiculous character flaw is doing this to me. I think about surgically removing this flaw and wonder who I would be. But yes I believe I would if I could.

So time continues to continue. And I continue to make little mistakes. Are they cumulative? Do they eventually add up to something enormous? What am I supposed to do? I don't have a set something or someone. My nature is to be there for and to help others. I need an "other". Someone to love and give myself to. At least this is what I think I need, maybe I'm full of shit. Maybe I need a vacation. Maybe I need a massage.

One thing is for sure I am as stuck as I have ever been and time is not. My arms are not long enough to reach the world that is steadily leaving me behind. I need to be unstuck. I wonder if I can take that on as a goal. I'll need to think about that.

Sigh

2008-10-02T13:04:00.002-04:00

Letting go

Sometimes we must let go of something. Sometimes this something feels essential. I can only hope for anyone that goes through this...including myself, that the man behind the curtain has a replacement in mind and not just another lesson in loss and grieving.

Hope was fired from my work today. She has over the last year become my confidant and close friend. I honestly don't know how to face tomorrow. She calls me her office husband. I don't know that anyone knows me better. Weird as that may seem to say I'm pretty sure it's true. There is nothing romantic in the slightest, just a mutual caring and respect the breadth and depth of which I have not found before in anyone. She has a way of listening and responding giving me what I need to keep going without pandering. She has succeeded where family, friends and my priest have failed.

Now I know we can stay in touch...likely will. This is a chunk of something that I feel very unwilling to let go of. I'm whining I suppose. But also I hope that this entry will alert the cosmos of a good soul.

gonna miss ya

dumb stuff

2008-09-25T19:04:00.001-04:00

To all readers:

Yes all 3 of you. The computer guy, the one with more certifications than brains misunderstood the security settings on this site and wound up locking a number of you out for several weeks. Just goes to show you that Microsoft Certifications are completely useless. Maybe they look nice hanging on the wall. Anyway we are back on track here and open for public viewing again. There is no promise of anything worth reading. But hey, nothing new.

Peace

download

2008-09-21T12:24:00.003-04:00

Forgive me blog

It has been 31 days since my last entry. I struggle with a number of things outside my control...foolish man that I am. I let my heart hurt perhaps out of self pity or maybe loathing.

I want and desire, crave and seek without regard to others. I look at the happiness others enjoy and wonder if they are faking it. Is that possible. How do they drag themselves out of the muck. I put on a fake smile and laugh at someones joke. Not having heard a word they said.

I see her across the room but am frightened to approach. I want to talk with her but nothing comes out of my mouth. I would give everything without hesitation to know if she still thinks about me. Is it possible to have done something so awful that I can never be forgiven? I have no outlet but you blog. Who can I confide in about this? How can I share this weakness with anyone without their complete loss of respect?

Moving on. Going through the motions of eating food and work and exercise. Settling into a routine as fulfilling as diet coke. Loosing ground, missing out. Singleness, loss, inwardness, doubt.

So blog forgive me for my absence. Thank you for listening. I'll be back.

Ponder worthy

2008-08-20T16:56:00.000-04:00

“The opportunity of a lifetime must be seized within the lifetime of the opportunity.”
Leonard Ravenhill

Justaditty

2008-08-19T22:01:00.003-04:00

The Gift of Love

Though I may speak with bravest fire
And have the gift to all inspire
But have not love, my words are vain
as sounding brass and hopeless gain

Though I may give all I possess
And striving so my love profess
But not be given by love within
The profit soon turns strangely thin

Come spirit come our hearts control
Our spirits long to be made whole
Let inward love guide every deed
By this we worship and are freed

She describes infinity

2008-08-06T12:08:00.003-04:00

Boundless, limitless, beyond reach, without end....

Light. I always think of light when I think of infinity. Which truthfully isn't that often since it makes my brain hurt. There are those, (few in number...yet some) who have some bizarre impression that I have half a brain or more. If that were true I could ponder infinity without brain pain.

So Light. Light is energy. Radiant energy to be exact. Created in a number of different ways, or should I say loosed (set free) in a number of ways. Traveling at a ridiculously high rate of speed, forever. Yes infinitely. It doesn't slow down, it doesn't stop. Where does it go? I guess the answer is everywhere. It may and likely does dissipate to the point where it is completely undetectable. But it keeps on going.

We experience light visually, it's effect (warmth) we feel on our skin as the radiation gives up its energy destroying some of our cells and turning them brown.

She radiates a warmth, it's her very own light energy released by the neuro-electro-chemical processes of "her". And it touches everyone around her, bathes them in glow. And she has control over this radiation, directing its effect more fully to one...or denying its effect as she sees fit. People gather to her sharing the warmth.

I'm certain everyone knows when she is absent. There is a noticeable reduction in the radiation levels. Perhaps she needs to share the infinite with others. We can not hoard that to ourselves. Share the wealth with someone else.

She describes infinity
radiant smile of warmth and light
effects of proximity
she might smile at me

without beginning or end
I can't place her from past
never changing...yet always new
thoughts and dreams which must last

soulful moments, touch and smell
music, harmony, a summer breeze
sharing without speaking, in tune so well
starting over in the middle, never yielding or admitting defeat
maintaining presence for sometime, someday

she describes infinity - energy can not be created or destroyed - transformed, focused, absorbed, combined, kinetic

Goals and Dreams

2008-07-15T19:33:00.002-04:00

I was recently made aware of the difference between a goal and a dream. Goals are written down, assigned a date, parameters, obstacles are identified as well as the resources necessary for achievement. This (to me) makes such perfect sense as I realize I have no goals and so many dreams.

A friend of mine recently told me she was going to start taking classes this fall working towards a "goal" that will forward her career...maybe offer her some additional independence. She has a vision, time frame, knows the obstacles and resources necessary. How brave! How marvelous. I'm so proud of her and envious.

Having a goal doesn't mean you'll achieve it. Having a dream doesn't mean anything at all. This is insanely pragmatic for me. I'm scared to death but I am going to set some goals. Tonight. Figure this out.

I love to dream...but some of the dreams need to transform into reality. Otherwise why dream?

Take

2008-07-08T18:57:00.002-04:00

My take on shit...

I don't believe in "everything happens for a reason". Don't get me wrong I'd like to. It would be wonderful if every little detail were part of the grand plan. I guess I'm just not that narcissistic to think that the "All powerful" needs to manage the happenings of my life. Again I believe more in monitoring than managing. Lately I hope you've been a bit busy big guy. :)

So as far as driving your own destiny I think we more like nudge it along making ridiculously coarse course corrections the best that we can. We have free will...right? Or so we are led to believe. If we were going to have a fully managed existence we'd still be in Eden and the catchy old phrase an "apple a day" would be sacrilege.

What can anyone take away from this? Have you ever had that feeling? An urging one way or another in a situation. Maybe that's all we get. To my remembrance whenever I've ignored it...I've regretted it.

So I take charge, I try to nudge my life in the direction I hope to go. I have a direction driven existence. There is a purpose and a plan to everything I do. It's not grandiose, sometimes it may be considered foolhardy. The pursuit of happiness eh. There are no whimsical decisions. I don't think I'm butting heads with the almighty...just taking care of the light work.

So if you've read this and are thinking, "WTF?" Send me a bill for your time.

cheers

From the top

2008-06-25T06:41:00.003-04:00

I'm gonna sing this from the top of Mt. Washington this summer. I know for a fact God is there.

O Lord on high we pray thee guide us and keep our souls in thine own care. When dark our way with light provide us. Teach us thy righteousness to share. Lead thou us on through dangers low'ring. Be thou our shield in fears over powering. Oh let thy mercy ever be our guard. Over our lives keep watch and ward. Over our lives keep watch and ward.

Virginia P. Marwick

Set to music by none other than W. A. Mozart

Love the one you're with

2008-06-10T21:18:00.002-04:00

she's frightfully intelligent. her smile is kind, warm and filled with a depth of sadness I can not know. She is forbidden, far away yet at the forefront of my thoughts. to pursue...is wrong, counter productive...sinful. Yet I do. she has made me weep and yearn. I realized today for the first time in 43 years what pre-occupation means. While I should have been working. Duh!

Can you loose something you never had? The hope of an idea fading into the most unlikely unfulfilled dream. It slips ever farther away until you're not sure what it ever really was. And the vague memory of it brings on a feeling of such angst. The bible speaks of weeping and gnashing of teeth. This approaches the torment.

I could settle. The opportunity present and tempting. The search exhausting, consuming and tiresome. Perhaps this brilliant author who wrote "Love the one you're with" would advise this course. I don't believe I can steer my life down that path. The hope of long shot Eros more enticing than a sure Agape. It's like two objects hurling through space in extreme close proximity with just the slightest difference of heading and no control over said heading. Soon...no matter what they'll be light years apart. But for a time...so very very close.

Dying on the vine

2008-05-19T09:50:00.002-04:00

Left hanging there...ripe and ready, yet unplucked. What cruel joke is this? How much can one stand before madness. Spies everywhere...Observing, mentally recording. Will this fruit ever become wine?

Dying, dying, dying on the vine

Whitesnake & John Rutter

2008-05-07T21:34:00.003-04:00

"Requiem" vs "How do you know when it's love"

I remember the day Sondra moved out. Quite a few people helped her. I recall being so grateful that she had friends that cared and would help her. The majority I didn't know. But there was another inter-racial couple from church that helped. I'm still not sure how I felt about that.

I remember it all like yesterday. It was a cold day in January, snow on the ground...I made Coffee and hot cocoa and some things for people to eat. I just could not help them...I was paralyzed. I threw up as they drove down that very long driveway. For several hours after they all left I could hardly breathe. Funny as I think back on it...no one checked on me or called me to see if I was ok. No one. Not my family, friends, priest...I hadn't really thought about that till now. Ted and Noah (my other super great friend) probably didn't know it was happening. I was more macho then...not much but more.

Not sure where this is going, so hang on it could get messy. I've been thinking about profound losses in my life. Dad's father, Mom's mother, Sondra. My Mom is so very sick, morbidly I think of her death and for some bizarre reason I always feel like I'm going to be obligated to sing the bass solo from Rutter's Requiem. Dumb huh? I mean I've sung it before, but it's quite difficult and there is no way I wouldn't get choked up. None.

So how do you know if it's love? I can't tell you but it lasts forever. Bull shit. How do you know when it's ok to say; "I love you". When it's love is the good better? Help me please I don't remember. For sure the bad is worse. Disappointment, expectations, rejection, anger.

So Rutter, the man who wrote much of the most beautiful sacred music and had no faith whatever, and death...mainly death...Where is thy sting? People die, relationships die, faith dies...sometimes hope dies. Death collecting it's spoils and still we write songs. God bless the songwriters that amidst the death, disappointment, anger and etc...still write the songs. And God help us the day the music dies.

Peace all...peace

six double U

2008-04-09T17:35:00.003-04:00

Seeing without looking. Self conscious purposefully not looking. I noticeably try not to notice you noticing me.

I wonder if you can hear my voice? Do you like it? Are you embarrassed? Ridiculous broad spectrum thoughts...Pondering

Have I spoken to enough people yet? Can I go talk with you now? Is it blatantly obvious? It must be!! It feels blatant. I should just carry a sign.

I read the emails, text's and chats....over and over. Just to ease the feeling of missing you. How desperately idiotic is that?

I know that it can not be...know the right thing to do and yet I do not do it. Foolish moron! I should just break my own heart instead of waiting for you to do it.

Been in this neighborhood before. Not down this street though. It's different...nice...familiar...yet new and exciting.

Waiting, watching, wondering, waisting, weathering and wanting

She

2008-04-02T08:32:00.002-04:00

Her entire face smiles. At once mischievous and sad. I can not look at her without smiling...and weeping.

Her voice breaks the silence gently. Sound rippling through the void from her lips to my ears. The melody reminds of a brightly lit kitchen. Smelling fresh and clean and new.

She is real. I've breathed in her scent, slowly, carefully...trembling with it's effects. The subtlety of her perfume mixed with her natural scents could conquer armies.

Memorizing her face for later...each time we are together I commit another detail to memory. Perfecting her image in my minds eye. I can see her whenever and wherever. She is everywhere, yet seldom "here".

She is real. I've kissed her lips. Silky, soft, desirable...moist, full, willing, wonderful. Lustful, alive, hungry and barely controlled I smile.

To meet her gaze is dangerous. I could get lost in those eyes. Carma, radiance, warmth. The eyes say, hold me, keep me, know me...

She IS

Work = Force x distance

2008-01-16T18:34:00.000-05:00

Work requires energy.

Can you really miss someone you don't know?

How much energy say in joules, does it take to completely shut someone out?

To push them so far away you'll never see, hear or know them again.

I wonder if I'll ever feel the need to do that. What does it feel like?

It must be horrific. Like opening the space shuttle door outside the atmosphere. The sound alone would freeze you if the sudden change in temperature to absolute zero didn't.

Energy, expending energy missing a creature that has expended exponentially more...

All things work towards equilibrium. The energy must be disbursed and absorbed. Utilized.

How much energy does a look of bewilderment take, how much to completely clear the brain of all thought, add in some tears, some grasping for straws, labored breathing, a couple sleepless nights. Prayers of forgiveness, healing for the hurt.

I'm sure I've left things out...I'll never possess the energy to do such a thing.

I hope not anyway.

And then

2008-01-15T13:05:00.000-05:00

And then...nothing
no wait something long overdue...new

and then...nothing
the rug, no the whole floor ripped out from beneath
you fall yet remain standing
said to be impossible there is no thought
not even the notion that there is no thought
looking through what you are looking at you see nothing
yet are unafraid.

and then...back
breathe, you've not been breathing
first breathe, then cry, then breathe and cry.

And then...too much
too many thoughts
reeling in search of something familiar
nothing
sitting down...standing is wasteful

and then...and then...and then

breakfast

Struggling

2008-01-06T11:26:00.000-05:00

I am struggling in my mind to find if I have actually done something wrong. I am so completely unsure. As I assumed natural attrition took place. The three became 2, and then one and then none. Wait a minute the idea was to stop at one.

In my zest for sharing and openness with the "last girl standing" I shared that I was hurt a bit by another and it was recent. I feel absolutely awful. Beating myself up for days now. How does one forgive oneself when we act outside our own guidelines.

It's unclear to me how I got in this mess. I mean why did I let it happen. It was unclear how I was going to get out. Without hurting anyone. The odd thing is that loosing each one of these gals hurt me. And yet it was necessary. Truthfully a blessing that I didn't have to do it. The one who got hurt was the kindest and sweetest. She made me cupcakes on Christmas day. Who will forgive me for this? Will God forgive me? I don't feel forgiven. Will she ever forgive...speak to me again?

Wretched man that I am...who will save me from this body of sin and death?

Suckin wind

2007-12-29T08:07:00.000-05:00

And then there were two. The trinity dissolved on Christmas day. My favorite; the one who stole my heart, gave it back on our Lord's natal day. This was done with her kids just 15ft away. Now I'm sure they didn't hear. Yet it allowed for no discussion. I didn't get to say goodbye. We spent 3 nights a week together for the last 6 weeks and now nothing.

She doesn't want to be uncomfortable (in an email) so no communication. I see her on the IM. A timid hello...followed by the most resounding silence. She claims to be a fundamental Christian. It's all wrapped up in a nice neat package. She's saved, good to go. No need to treat people with loving kindness. No need to step outside of your comfort zone to spare the feelings or ease the hurt of another of God's created.

I'm pretty sure Christ would not have responded quite this way. Maybe I haven't digested the bible and marked all the spots that reinforce my viewpoint. So secure in her exclusionistic boxed up world. If that's really the way to be a Christian, I'll have no part of it.

You'll never see this Peggy, so your comfort is ensured. I hope you find someone as narrow minded as you to navigate your lives together through the narrow paths in your over sized SUV. The world outside your box is vast and beautiful and in need and hurting. But never mind eh. We'll attend to it.

Peace to you

Trinity

2007-12-21T05:40:00.000-05:00

The Christian phenomenon. How can three be one and one be three? It's a conundrum, a paradox. We don't have the ability to understand more than that it is not comprehensible.

Now this is not a religious or spiritual writing. It is about the three who are not one but three. And they are not really aware of the other two, yet not ignorant of the fact the there are other(s). Why couldn't they be three in one. Would be much easier, but then perhaps I'd be dating God. And I'm guessing he/she/they are a bit busy for casual dinners at the Thai place. The quintessential question, does God like sushi?

Back to subject, I have never done this before. You'd think by almost 43 I'd already have this experience under my belt. But no. In the past women have faded so quickly it never mattered. I'd have 2 or 3 or 4, turn around and realize there were none. So quickly it'd make your head spin. So what's the deal? Three that won't give up? It's unprecedented. I mean in a sense it's not a bad problem. But then how does one proceed without hurting at least 2 people. Possibly all three.

And the one I like the most is the most reluctant which goes in my mind to prove that we really do want that which is hardest to achieve. In this case even though she treats me with the least kindness. Picks at my religious liberalism, my political views (liberalism), my abundance of gay and lesbian friends. The fact that I like bow ties. She got angry with me for handling a difficult situation passively. Which I might add worked quickly, to my advantage and no one got angry! I have to ask myself what I see in her. And deep down I'm really afraid it's the chase. If I catch her I'm afraid I'll loose interest. How frigging screwed up is that?

The remaining 2 are both really nice and kind and fun to be with. They deserve the lions share of my time, not meany pants. I believe I will stop chasing, this is why people play games. There is an underlying meanness in all this shit. I feel as though it is completely unavoidable. Upon my next visit I hope to have dissolved this trinity.

Not for me

2007-11-18T07:25:00.000-05:00

How is it that you are still hurting me? I thought we would spend Thanksgiving together. They say with each hurt you build a scale a toughness against the next...well not for me.

I know in my head that you are wrong. I deserve better than this and you deserve what you get. You've no idea what you threw away with yesterdays trash. Why can't I be angry....it's not for me.

I hate you, I love you, I miss you and I wish I'd never met you. I wish I could save other men from you. The only person I really feel I wish for a time machine to go back and avoid that day. Skip it, take a nap, go out of town...fantasy is not for me.

Why do I still think about you. Wonder how you are. If your mom is better, how you dad is holding up and even if you might just call me. You're a death, a Cancer a stain on my life. You are not for me!

how

2007-10-23T18:40:00.000-04:00

How does stuff get lost? Matter can neither be created or destroyed. So when we say "it's lost" we just don't know where it is. But where did it go. Did it get bored with us? Maybe it doesn't feel comfortable being around us anymore. Maybe it found someone new to be around.

Do we look for it? We do if it meant something to us. Maybe we look more desperately than we should. Perhaps we even morn its loss. Is this a result of our own carelessness? Is it anothers doing? How long should we look? How deep, how far, how wide? Can it be replaced? Or was it just slightly unique unto itself? Different, special, precious.

Stuff lost, such a cost. Give me things that wont get lost. Like a coin that wont get tossed rollin home to you.

Revelation

2007-10-12T22:28:00.000-04:00

I've had a revelation this evening. Reading a book I have learned something about myself that I don't like.

Time is a wasting. What is time, this intangible thing which never takes a break. Waits for no man (or woman) and yet leaves no one behind. The only thing that time leaves in it's wake is memories. I want to build memories to cherish. As I look back there are precious few. This is no ones fault but my own.

Time is sort of like the wind. However we at least can describe wind. Wind is the movement of air. It is not the air, but the movement. It is not the force that causes the movement but the movement. Wind is a noun I think, that gives name to the result of an action. This is becoming a bit unwieldy. And no I'm not smoking weed.

Time is not the passage of such. Nor the specific nano-second called now. It's not a depiction of the millenia past nor is it a measure of a specific interval. Time is the constancy of change. It is the unrelenting wearing down of all things, including the birth (and immediate degradation) of new things.

Time is a concept, a principal, an awareness of our human frailty. The conversion of time into precious beautiful memories is my new chief goal. The building, sharing and giving of LOVE to those in my life the tools of construction.

Time and wind and love.....and love

poison...don't read this

2007-09-29T07:06:00.000-04:00

missed again

thought maybe busyness would make up for loneliness. totally stupid, indiscriminately signing up for things...not the answer!

As a result of stupidness:

I must help clean up the church grounds today, drive to Williamsburg and sing in Latin, French and Italian...and English. Buy a Tuxedo! Yeah that's in the budget! Install a new 3 phase breaker in the basement with a fused disconnect and prepare a weatherproof power distribution box for the upcoming Oktoberfestival.

I don't want to do any of these things!

just bitchin

10-4

Random thoughts from VT.

2007-09-22T13:01:00.000-04:00

Where does all the dust come from? when no one goes in or out. how can there be such dust? do mice eat soap or just crap on it? why is it so much like a time warp here? I can't sleep in this house anymore. I'll be sleeping fine in VA and then i could stay awake for a month here.

I miss my audio equipment. I have picked out the "A" list to listen to while here. Currently playing the Kyrie from Messe Solenelle. Sung by the Men and Boys of St. Lukes Evanston IL. Mighty nice with 1 HP/channel into the lows and mid range, 60watt/channel of crystal tube amp clarity into the tweeter and super tweeters. Little Tim Allen Haw-haw more power.

So the air in here was so stale I opened all windows and doors at midnight when I arrived and it got right cool by morning. Nice. Got my six mile run in before the heat of day. So much nicer running on the dirt roads here. Beat the 1 1/4 mile hill that used to always kick my butt. So I know I'm in pretty good shape.

Just waiting for the replacement realtor to get here and have a little meeting. Then off to town, repair the server in families biz, then off to Stratton Mtn to service and perform some training on the CCTV sys at the PD up there. Dinner with family, happy 76 b-day mom and off to Dorset Mtn for many many drinks with the Ed & Steve show. They always have me up when I'm in town. Church in Arlington tomorrow and fly back for hopeful sleep and back to work.

May write more later. St. Lukes is calling.

OK - So why is it when people start having network problems they suddenly decide to re-wire everything. JHC if it worked for 3 or 4 years the way it was...leave the GD wires alone. Please I beg you. Please leave my wires alone. I'm not sure the pain and anguish is coming through. OK I'll get back down in the basement and try to figure out what happened. Course no one remembers.

Patterns

2007-09-18T21:23:00.000-04:00

What makes us recognize some patterns especially those obscure, like the shape of a cloud or random stars in the sky.

Yet we fail to see others as clear as the nose on our face. The familiar passive aggressive behavior of that new someone we're dating. The backstabbing habits of the new fat girl in accounting. The psycho chick that won't go away and treats you like crap.

I see happy puppies in the clouds and soothing interstellar shapes in the stars. Failing to acknowledge the damaging and often hurtful behavior of the nutcases all around.

Thank God for the few really good folks that remind us there is a reason to get up each day and continue to regularly breath in and out.

Milestone

2007-09-09T15:04:00.000-04:00

For whatever it's worth. One year ago today I returned to Virginia from Vermont. It's been about the fastest year I can recall...or can't recall. Grateful to those who shared parts of it with me.

Been here a year and still living out of boxes. I like to take things slow.

Alphabet

2007-09-02T08:00:00.000-04:00

Are you listening

Before you leave I'd like to know

Companion is not a description

Desire fades with time

Exhausting, time consuming

Forget that suggestion...

Grand scheme of things

Happens all the time

Insomnia

Juxtapose...the good and the ugly

Kindness is not enough

Loud enough to

Making excuses is not necessary

Narcissistic

Omnipresence for whom

Powerful are the words

Quiet are the dreams

Respect?

Sincerity

Tenacious is the norm

Universal lack of reason

Volumes spoken without a sound

Words are lost

X - Tough any help here

You will not get it

Zen - right

pencil neck

2007-08-22T21:10:00.000-04:00

Spilling coffee in your favorite keyboard does not make you a geek. Having a favorite keyboard...that makes you a geek.

If you only need to read this once you are a geek:

if
$girlfriend <> 0
then
Dim possibility_of_getting_laid as N

possibility_of_getting_laid = 0 + i

while dating
i=0 + numb_of_dates
end while
end if

You are a geek if you have more than a cursory understanding of what the Internet is, how it works, or that computers actually have other uses.

Your likelihood of being a geek increases with the number of acronyms you know.

You might be a geek if you have more than 5 no...1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8...more than 8 computers.

You could be a geek if you think "it" is an acronym

Lastly you are most definitely a geek if you use or even know what Lynx is...command line Internet browsing...palease

Wander

2007-08-12T08:54:00.000-04:00

All my mistakes. Made more than a few. I can't go back. I don't want to and the rest is not applicable. How accurate can they be? I did all those things. Wretched man that I am. Who will rescue me from this body of death?

I wonder as I wander...aimlessly. Where am I going and will I ever get to finish this song. When will all my mistakes lead me to you?

Chasing the Wind

2007-08-07T20:26:00.000-04:00

Love is all that exists. All else is vanity, illusion and a chasing after the wind. Can not get those words out of my head. I fear as though I have been chasing after the wind (a poetic expression of an act of futility) most of my adult life.

I believe I was only ever truly happy in the early years of my marriage, some 17 years ago, when we were so involved with the youth group. I know in my heart that endeavor was not vanity or futile.

Sometimes (not often luckily) I think about what I want to do...Do! Do? Ah...I don't want to do anything. I want to be something...someone. I want to be someone who quietly goes about his life and is admired and respected as a good and kind person. Someone to trust...to rely on...to love.

As much as I want this and am very introverted I find my inner self screaming for attention. Notice me! Love me! Break bread with me and share with me. Love is all there is and it is all I want. To seek it is chasing after the wind.

The kids of my youth group of the past are all grown. Many are married, some have children, one is even a widow. Life continues to dump upon us while we chase the wind building our illusions. Sometimes when the illusions fail life is so damn raw and real that we can't sleep...can hardly breath.

So many times the bible talks about washing, cleansing. Wash me though and through of my wickedness. Lift the illusions and bring it on...life raw

inalienable

2007-07-04T08:44:00.000-04:00

RIGHTS.

We have rights! We're Mericans. We have the right to Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We have the right to wage war on Tarror.

We will spread democracy if we have to kill every one of em. Then they'll be free! And the world will be safer. We'll have the right to drive a Ford Gargantuan or whatever. We'll take what we need and what makes us rich because it makes us happy. We have the right.

Why aren't we "Americans" spreading Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Where does it say in the Declaration of Independence that we have the right to arrogance? That we can force our views and beliefs on all those who differ or who have the oil?

Our forefathers decided to break from England because we had developed an identity of our own. Something that worked for us and it was different. We embraced the diversity of folks from all over the world with dreams and vision. We refused to tolerate the ideals of a Nation remote and removed from us telling us what to do, how to think and why. We were willing to die to the last to be free from this.

What is so different for Iraq? Look out Iran and Afghanistan. You're next.

On this day of independence and freedom I'm saying a prayer for those whom we are "Americanizing", for the blockheads who decided this is necessary and of course for all the people over there dieing in the senselessness of it all.

When ever I hear that song, "I'm proud to be an American..." initially I want to smash the radio...then I wonder would the artist still sing those words?

I wouldn't....would you?

Unknown

2007-07-01T20:19:00.000-04:00

my song is love unknown,

Interestingly beautiful hymn. It describes to us how much God in Christ loves us...

Who am I that for my sake my Lord should take frail flesh and die?

And yet why isn't this Love enough? Why do we seek the love of another? Some of us it seems might spend our whole lives in this quest. And what do we do when the importance of this search outweighs all else. When the distraction of it becomes so great that we can't think. Can hardly breath.

How do we take a gigantic step back and evaluate our priorities? Is it ever OK to seek first a love here on earth?

But enough of waxing rhetorical. I am seeking peace from a hurt, broken human being. It doesn't even make sense.

O my friend, my friend indeed, who at my need his life did spend.

uneven

2007-06-16T08:31:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel like this?

I often think of the inequities of the world. I guess they have existed since the dawn of time but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to stomach. Perhaps it's a selfish reaction to why does it seem so easy for him/her and so hard for me. But I also have a number of friends who seem to constantly struggle

Of my friends there is a growing category of single woman with children. This is likely due to the fact that I have been trying to date for about 8 or 9 months now and most women approx. my age have been married at least once and have at least one child. The fact that they are just friends is a testament to my dismal luck. Not that I don't cherish these friendships. I do!

Anyway the point? Oh point here is that so many of my new friends seem to constantly struggle. If any of you read this and i know a few do. Deal ok?
My struggles. Relationships. Why is it so hard. Every guy at work is married. Every one, there is not one exception other than me! I look at some of them and think "he can get a girl". Toothless or at least missing quite a number of prominent ones, those still hanging out don't look too great. Crude, rude, disrespectful towards woman. And on and on. I know I'm not perfect. Far from it perhaps but I should be like a shining bastion on a foggy night!

Dude at church, doesn't really "work" much. Wise ass, some days I'd like to introduce him to my 5 brothers and sisters at the end of my right arm. He drives a Lexus SUV and develops real estate. Also owns a bunch of car washes with a friend of mine. Been working for them nights and weekends lately cause I'm so hard up for cash. Lots flowing in. Just more flowing out. It's all in the flow. You know. So we show up last Saturday and he gets me started, then leaves. I work my ass off for 9 hours to the point where i can hardly move. Slept from 6PM Sat night to 8AM Sunday morning. For this I'm paid $8/hr!

Now as I'm writing the check to the college freshman who cuts my grass in VT w/ my tractor and I pay for gas @ $10/hr I realize there is an inequity. So I tell Lexus man to fork off. Recently spoke to a friend w/3 young children. She is in nursing school and has very little. Finances are hard for her. I recently asked her to ride with a bunch of us this weekend. But it's so much harder for her isn't it. Someone to watch the kids, time away from her studies, money for the restaurant we'll likely stop at. No wonder women hate and mistrust us guys. Somewhere some guy screwed her and although she's OK, everything is at least twice as hard for her.

The folks who live next door to me. This isn't the nicest place to live. They have 3 full size vans. Not really sure why. None of them run right and two have been replaced at least once since I've been here. The man looks 60 to me and the woman somewhere between 30 and 50. She seems to have been ridden hard and put up wet more than once. You can just tell these folks are struggling. There is always crap on their lawn. Most of the time I'm not really sure what it even is. They park one of their GD vans in front of my house all the time. It infuriates me. The garbage men won't empty my can cause there is not enough road from the the damn van to get to it. How would I help them?

The receptionist in our office. She is so cute and single and 26y/o. I know she really wants a boyfriend. That's been made clear even to someone who is oblivious of the standard signs, signals, whatever. She is struggling, supporting her brother working as a receptionist (i'm guessing doesn't pay real well) no kids but lonely. Believe me I know. I've serviced her PC a couple of times. Replaced parts with used ones I have laying around. I need not be in her apartment again.

There are so many more stories, that I'm directly involved with. The Lexus driving bastards of the world keep getting richer and the poor bastards of the world keep breaking their backs to that end. And here I am whining. Someone who makes far too much money, spends even more because I plan poorly and am missing something really big. I know I am. So what should I/we do?

Give alms. I guess and don't buy a Lexus.

it happened this year

2007-06-15T19:47:00.000-04:00

I may use this for as running tally

A recount of to the best of my remembrance all incidences of injury. These would be in no particular order of severity, chronology or whatever.

1. I hit a deer. Yes ran into it while running. It was dark OK?

2. Caught my hair on fire while welding.

3. Got a respectable shard of metal in my right eye.

4. Chain saw blade broke and wrapped around my arm. No stitches.

5. Was sprayed by a skunk.

6. knee injury forcing me to miss Shamrock marathon

7. Got in a fight with a guy and a knife. I won against guy. I think knife was ahead 2 points on me.

8. was hit by a car only last week. I think I bruised my hip. Hurts a bit.

9. Very slight electric shock today on a 480Volt 3 phase circuit. Silly. No external wounds.

10. Wonder if broken hearts count? Wounded pride? Assassinated character?

I need to talk to my mom. I'm really not this klutzy, clumsy, foolhardy etc. I think I barely ever got hurt as a kid.

This here is pure documentation. Read with southern accent.

the stuff of peace

2007-06-14T06:56:00.000-04:00

I'm such a simpleton. I don't ask for much. I do without much more than most folks I know. My life is so very simple and maybe that's the problem. All you complexites out there have no idea what you're missing. I think perhaps I'm projecting my values and freedoms on others. Most of the rest of you are too caught up in your stuff! Physical and logical stuff.

What do you need all that crap for? It's weighing you down and holding you back! You can't make a run for it if you need to. All your stuff would be clattering along behind like the cans they tie to the back of the wedding "get away" cars.

I went to the beach a few nights ago with a book, towel and refilled bottle of water. Totally on a whim. Needed to get my mind off all the stuff at work. Drop everything and go to the beach. Most of you could not do that. Admit it. It's a major planning evolution. I wanted to relax and read. Smell the salt air, listen to the waves and the gulls.

What I got instead was a beach full of people who brought their stuff with them! Skinny teenage girls who would have been attractive were it not for the "F" word splattering out of their amazingly large mouths thrice per sentence. Totally obliterating the ocean and the gulls. Makes you wish you could take a video and show it to them 10-15 years from now. Two young "men" (very loose use of that term) deciding to beat on each other suddenly clearing the beach of about 50 or 60 sick-o's who needed to watch? What stuff were they fighting over?!

Could be my fault for going to ghetto beach. But it makes you wonder, age old ponderings. If we are so offensive, so trashy, so intolerant of our close brothers and sisters. How can we find peace. How can people of vastly different cultures, beliefs, values ever hope to do better than at best, mild disdain. At worst war.

It's all about the stuff. Think about it. They have the oil, we have the food, over there has the diamonds, those folks have the best beaches, etc and on and on. Trade deficits, global economy that's not really "economic" if it's being controlled and manipulated by a few. The few are human, fallible, selfish and want more fucking stuff!

Blame

2007-06-10T06:56:00.000-04:00

Have you noticed not only how easy it is to place blame? And at least for me lately how necessary? One very stupid case in point. Last week one morning at 2AM my phone rang. It was the alarm monitoring company. Our alarm at the office was going off again. I installed the alarm system, did all the wiring and programming of the panel.

After I completed the work I wanted to train the "guys" to use it. We have a monthly field meeting where all are present. During the meeting I explained its use to 40 glassy eyed dudes and said we would go down ofter the meeting and have everyone give it a try. No one wanted to try it! And I'm #1 on the call list when the alarm goes off. We had 7 false alarms that 1st week. One each day.

Back to 2AM. I get the call it's down pouring, thunder and lightening and I was actually asleep. Sleep is good. So I call the office no answer of course, dial into the panel, unfortunately the dial-in feature works on the office side not the shop/warehouse side. Wracking my brain, who is working late tonight. Usually no one this late.

OK damn it I'll go. So I drive in, alarm still going off. I find the main shop entrance door wide open and note that the lock is in bad repair. Takes me several closes and some wriggling to make it lock and latch. So I surmise that the door was not fully latched and blew open in the high winds. Oh I was all ready to connect to the panel and find out who armed the system. I wanted a name! But why? So I could berate or belittle them. You dumb, me smart.

This wasn't even any ones fault. Course would have been nice if someone said, "Hey this lock is broken." In an effort to analyse things I note that I should have insisted that hands on training happen. I should have insisted the technician take the wiring diagram I drew. Then maybe he would not have destroyed a pressure transducer by hooking up backwards. Strict conformance to a layout of a superheater I designed. Then it would have fit without field modification. And a good number more.

As I look back I allowed in all these situations the latitude of failure. Not disaster really just little irritating SNAFU's. So when I say "Here take this drawing or diagram or these instructions." and they say "I don't need that." I need to be sure they understand I'll run the "you stupid moron flag with their name on it" to the top of the pole for all to see. This isn't blame but more of a peer bashing. Also very embarrassing to have it done by the "paperwork" guy. That's me they think I do paperwork all day.

It's a funny world we live in but I'm going to try and avoid the immediate desire to place blame. Gather all the facts and solve the problem. Then if someone still needs an attitude adjustment I'll run the flag to the top of the pole.

Code Tweaks

2007-06-09T07:33:00.000-04:00

Mainly colors. Twas very blah before. Also way too much white for my new monitor. This thing is bright. Can't believe you have to edit the html to change these colors. s'why it took me so long